The World of Yaxlich

Forgotten How To Blog

2008-01-29T12:37:00.000Z

Yaxlich lost his blog. He knew he'd left it somewhere but couldn't find it. Initially he thought it might be hiding underneath his Ninja socks but it wasn't there. Next he tried the vegetable soup place but, alas, it was nowhere to be seen. Then he was struck by a moment of clarity.

It was exactly where he'd left it.

He hopes that blogging is like riding a bike and he hasn't forgotten how to do it.

Songs To Blog About

2007-09-17T16:56:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich regularly gets songs stuck in his head. He doesn't mean this literally. He's never had a piece of 7" vinyl thrust into his cranial cavity or anything like that. What he means is that sometimes he remembers the chorus to a song or just a few words of a song and no matter what he tries, he cannot get the song out of his head. So they're stuck. In his head.

Today Yaxlich has the British Eurovision Song Contest entry from 1982 stuck in his head. It was by a group called Bardot and the song was "One Step Further". It wasn't very good which is why Yaxlich is having a miserable day.

He is going to try and think about Sheena later on this afternoon. He hopes it works.

Overrun By Loonies

2007-09-03T16:05:00.000+01:00

It would appear that the comment section on Yaxlich's previous post was overrun by loonies. He has now deleted the offending comment and apologises to anyone who read it. He thinks that some people are very sad indeed.

In other news, he would like to assure people that he is still alive although suffering from an almighty bout of blogstipation.

How Do They Know?

2007-08-10T00:25:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich found an article in a London newspaper tonight which he thought he would share with you.

A court has released a man caught having sex with sheep. A farmed called police after he saw a man trouserless among his flock. Bert Meijer, 36, was arrested and charged but the case was thrown out because under Dutch law bestiality is illegal only if it can be proved the animal was unwilling.

In other news, Yaxlich would like to apologise for his lengthy delay in posting anything on his blog for a while. This was because:

a) His hands fell off.
b) The Barbie Girl bird flew off to Penge with his blogging mojo and he has only just returned beacuse Virgin Trains only have a bi-monthly service.
c) The Agoraphobic Peruvian spent the last month downloading guinea pig recipes from a remote site in the Andes and was hogging the bandwidth of the flats wi-fi connection.
d) He was on a modelling assignment in Portugal.
e) He was working for the Government on a project that he cannot mention due to signing the Official Secrets Act.
f) He was involved in lengthy legal proceedings in the Netherlands and has only just returned the sheep costume to the fancy dress suppliers after he had lost his Sketchleys receipt.
g) All of the above.

AdSense Of Humour

2007-07-13T02:12:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has just been chuckling at his latest AdSense ads:

Don't Put Up With Piles

Saddest Thing On The Internet

He thinks someone is trying to tell him something. Quite possibly that it's 2AM on Friday 13th and it's time for bed.

Strange Blogging Coincedence

2007-07-13T02:05:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has just learnt that Iggy was born in the same hospital as him.

He wonders if any of his readers are also suffering from a bad case of Farmer Giles too.

The One Where Yaxlich Gets Piles

2007-07-10T15:29:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has a young niece with whom he occasionally chats on MSN Messenger. He only understands every third word she says. She uses some kind of secret code that only teenagers and Scaryduck understand. Every now and then Uncle Yaxlich has to ask his teenage niece to explain what all of the shorthand means. He learnt recently, for example, that TMI stands for Too Much Information.

He wonders if his niece would consider this to be TMI.

Ever since the AP moved into the flat permanently at the beginning of the year, Yaxlich has had to be even more selective with his trips to the toilet. He regularly stores them up for when she might pop out to do some gardening or go to the newsagent to collect her copy of Pan Pipe Weekly. These rare comfort breaks tend to be something of a rush job. No longer can Yaxlich read an entire newspaper in one sitting, he has to get in, get the job done and get out in a matter of minutes.

As a result, Yaxlich has got piles.

Using a cunning arrangement involving a shaving mirror and the edge of the bath, Yaxlich has managed to view this gold medallion award winning collection of fine Shiraz grapes at close hand as he gently dabs at them with the Preparation H. He found it terribly embarrassing going into the chemists to buy the Worlds leading haemorrhoid product to “relieve rectal itch and anal pain”* so he picked up a new toothbrush and some Ralgex at the same time. He was very careful when unpacking the carrier bag to ensure the two products were placed at opposite ends of his bedroom in case a 3am trip to the toilet was required and he picked up the wrong tube.

Tomorrow Yaxlich is going out to buy a childs inflatable ring to put on his office chair.

* if any copywriters are reading this, you might consider giving a pitch to the folks at Preparation H as Yaxlich thinks they could do with a new marketing slogan.

Dramatic Chipmunk

2007-07-06T03:22:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich will blog more about his prolonged absence from t'internet later but, in the meanwhile, he thought he would post some more videos because it's

Lazy
Easy
See above

He is particularly enamoured with the dramatic chipmunk. It makes him laugh. A lot.

If you have not discovered the pleasure of the dramatic chipmunk then he suggests you watch this clip

After that, view the Kill Bill remix

The Lost version is funny too

And finally watch the Dramatic Veronica version. It's not particularly ground breaking but Yaxlich thinks that Veronica is very cute. In fact she made his Beefy McManstick go funny.

Technology

2007-07-05T14:23:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich was experimenting with technology earlier today and he has come to the conclusion that he's not very good at it. He was trying to record a bird that lives outside his flat. Every morning it wakes Yaxlich up with it's cheery singing and he wanted to share it.

This bird doesn't just chirp or chirrup like any normal bird. No. This bird sings the opening line to "I'm A Barbie Girl". It doesn't just sound a bit like "I'm A Barbie Girl", it IS the opening line to "I'm A Barbie Girl" and he realised that without some kind of proof that you would never believe him which is why he was found standing outside his flat this morning pointing his mobile phone at a tree.

So there you have it. It turns out that the little birdie in the tree had his mojo all along. It wasn't Doctor Evil after all.

No Mo Mojo Woe

2007-07-05T14:13:00.000+01:00

Mojo

2007-06-05T11:33:00.000+01:00

For the benefit of John G, here is the Wikipedia definition of a mojo:

Mojo is a term commonly encountered in the African-American folk belief called
hoodoo. A mojo is a small bag, a type of magic charm, often of red flannel cloth
and tied with a drawstring, containing botanical, zoological, and/or mineral
curios, petition papers, and the like. It is typically worn under clothing.

Yaxlich is glad to have been of assistance.

Dream

2007-06-04T10:44:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich had a dream last night.

He was at school and had been made to stay on because his exam results weren't good enough. All of the other children and even the teachers were making fun of him and calling him a thicky. He didn't have any friends because nobody wanted to hang around with the boy who had been dropped a year. The boy who was 37.

It was a very disturbing dream and he feels a bit sad this morning.

Does anyone know what this dream could mean?

Blogging Mojo

2007-05-29T02:21:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has lost his blogging mojo. He doesn't know where it's gone. The disappearance seems to have coincided with the Agoraphobic Peruvian moving in. Maybe she has put some kind of Incan curse on him and stopped him blogging.

This would be very unfair. She's preventing him from partaking in two of his favourite past times.

1. Blogging
2. Doing noisy number twos

Maybe it's time he put his foot down and said:

Oi! Agoraphobic Peruvian! No! You may well have come from the 20th largest country in the world with a Human Development Index of 0.767. We appreciate the cheap guano imports as well as opportunities to explore the Machu Picchu but enough is enough! Let this Englishman blog and poop in peace.

Either that or he'll move out.

Memo

2007-05-29T02:13:00.000+01:00

Not Updated

2007-05-19T14:04:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich's blog hasn't been updated much this week has it? In fact, since he started work, his output has been very low. He wonders why this is. Maybe he'll have a word with himself and do something about it soon. He hopes so.

Winky Winky Bum Bum Poo Poo Titty Titty

2007-05-13T12:07:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich recently moved from Sitemeter to Google Analytics. He's very pleased that he did because they have lots of pretty pictures and loads more stats. For someone like Yaxlich who loves numbers, this is great.

One of the other advantages of is that they give him loads more Googlies to look at. He's been chuckling this morning over some of them including geriatric sperm, politically correct ginger hair, why does cheese make me fart, the less expensive monkey in the world and who discovered the word plethora.

He's also seen a number of people searching for a particular video. He has know idea why they thought they'd find it on his blog but he feels really bad that they went away empty handed so he's decided to do something about it.

He doesn't know what it's called but he's guessing it's "The Winky Winky Bum Bum Poo Poo Titty Titty" song. At least that's what he's going to be calling it.

Beautiful Plumage

2007-05-10T10:51:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich would like to point out that he is not dead. He's resting. He is shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

He hopes to return to blogging shortly. In the meanwhile, please feel free to browse the archives and purchase anything from the refreshment stand. The angel cakes made by class 3c are particularly nice.

Single

2007-05-02T14:03:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich received a wedding invitation this morning. It made him sad. Not because his friends were getting married. No. He thinks they will make a lovely couple and have beautiful, if slightly disfunctional, babies.

No. The reason he is sad is because the invite was sent to 'Yaxlich'. Not 'Yaxlich + 1'. Just 'Yaxlich'.

Even his friends know that Yaxlich won't have a girlfriend by June.

Mrs Eyebrows

2007-04-30T16:49:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich had to head into his local Big Town today. When he was there he saw Mrs Eyebrows. It looks like she's got a job for the local council. Either that or it's a new fashion to wear bright flourescent tabards with the name of your local government authority written on the back.

Tabard. A sadly underused word. He thinks he might use it more often.

Blogger Smells Of Poo

2007-04-26T12:59:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich just spent the last hour writing a post. It was a good one. Sadly you'll never read it because Blogger decided to eat it for no apparent reason.

Yaxlich hates Blogger. It smells of poo.

UPDATE: It also ate Zoes post too. It really is mean today.

Yaxlich Revealed

2007-04-24T01:30:00.000+01:00

As requested by The Girl and Zoe:

Happy Birthday, Blog

2007-04-20T01:53:00.000+01:00

One year ago today, Yaxlich started a blog which he called The World of Yaxlich. He said at the time

"Yaxlich doesn't know what he's going to say on his Blog. Sometimes Yaxlich has lots to say and sometimes he doesn't have anything to say."

Over the last year he has blogged about all sorts of things including dogs with blogs, fat people, Playstation addiction and a certain medical condition. He launched a charity, corrected the BBC, made some rubbish Photoshop pictures, discussed his winky, won an award or two, had toilet issues, suffered from mutant eyebrows and talked about old mans baby gravy. Other things discussed have been polar bears winkies, farting, not being gay, sheep poo, books, films and the purpose of daddy longlegs. A post made in October found its way into a book but posts about rude town names, how to cure hiccups, Friday 13th, farting cows, bogies, botty problems and irritating women didn't. He got one year older, tried to make a difference, discovered a man with a firework up his bum, met smelly unemployed people, wrote a guest article on one of his favourite blogs, saw some big breasts and discussed penis size. Along the way he has picked up some great Googlies, laughed at fart videos, celebrated Christmas, discovered a new Teletubby, answered memes, invented a new phrase, challenged spammers, talked about musical condoms and discovered the key to eternal happiness which led to him posting yet more Googlies, getting a new job, having cheesy dreams, writing about dogs wiping their arse (and subsequent video), women with willies, constipation and showing the world pictures of his underpants.

He thinks he might have been right. Sometimes he just simply doesn't have anything to say.

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 4

2007-04-19T11:32:00.000+01:00

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 3

2007-04-18T16:18:00.000+01:00

Tales From The Pant Drawer Part 2

2007-04-18T15:59:00.000+01:00

Tales From The Pant Drawer

2007-04-17T11:49:00.000+01:00

Bumblebees

2007-04-16T12:48:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich is back after his extended Easter break. He hopes that you didn't miss him too much.

He sees that there is currently a crisis in the bumblebee world where mobile phone usage is being blamed for the decline in the number of bees in the UK.

Yaxlich is sad about this. He likes bees. They buzz around in their own merry little way, drunk on pollen and then make pots of honey. He thinks they're very clever to do this and imagines lots of little bees in a miniature glass blowing factory.

He doesn't like wasps, though. As far as he can see wasps serve no purpose. All they do is sting you when you're least expecting it. If they did something useful, like make jam, then he might be more tolerant of them.

So Long And Thanks For All The Pants

2007-04-05T00:34:00.000+01:00

Last year Yaxlich launched the Pant Aid appeal. He was woefully short of underpants following a terrible outbreak of Betty Swollocks and, since he was unemployed at the time, he sought the financial contributions of his loyal readership.

Today he is pleased to show the evidence of underpant purchases to those who graciously supported the cause.

Yaxlich is off for the Easter holidays. He'll be back some time next week. He asks that you behave yourselves whilst he's away and that you don't leave any spam in his comment box because it will only smell when he comes back.

Shouty

2007-04-03T13:12:00.000+01:00

The AP doesn't show any signs of getting a job. This means that she is in the flat all day. Every day. She doesn't do much. Sometimes she sits in the kitchen reading the newspaper. Sometimes she is on the phone to other people who talk funny. Sometimes she is on the internet looking at whatever it is the APs look at.

Mainly she parks herself in the front room and watches telly. She has discovered some Spanish channels on Sky and she watches them all day. As far as he can see, they're soap operas.

What Yaxlich has learnt about Spanish soap operas:

They always have girls with big bosoms
They always have one ridiculously handsome man in an episode
People in Spain still think moustaches look good
They are always shouting

He wonders what it must be like for foreign people watching EastEnders. He guesses that his Spanish equivalent would come up with this list:

All British people are clinically depressed
Nobody in Britain owns a washing machine
Everyone in Britain is ugly
There is no Spanish translation for "wassamatter?"

Musical Maths

2007-03-30T01:19:00.000+01:00

Yaxlich has just been catching up with his blog reading and he is particularly enjoying Salvadore's current series of posts about music using mathematical diagrams.

As regular readers of the World of Yaxlich will know, Yaxlich is a big fan of maths. He really likes numbers. He likes numbers in the same way that Michelle McManus likes cake. Maths was always his joint favourite lesson at school along with English. PE was fun too until some of the bigger boys started laughing at him and calling him pigeon legs.

He remembers one time at school when he was having problems with his bottom. He hadn't been able to do a number two for days and it was starting to hurt. He didn't tell his mummy that he was having problems because the last time he told her she had made him eat figs and gave him some funny chocolate that made his bottom sting so rather than tell her, he decided to sit down and work out the probability of him suffering from constipation.

He got out his maths notebook and a calculator and began working on the equation. He came up with a formula whereby the number of meals consumed was multiplied by the cumulative aggregate roughage content, subdivided by the mean average of his PPD (poo per day) quotient and this figure was then divided by the number of PFD (poo free days).

No matter how many times he attempted it, his calculator kept coming up with an error message. He couldn't understand it at all. It was a Casio and everything and all the while, the pain in his tummy was getting worse so, in the end, Yaxlich did what every mathematician would do.

He worked it out with a pencil.

It All Becomes Clear

2007-03-29T12:28:00.000+01:00

As many of you will know, Yaxlich was out of work for a long time and he was forced to attend the vegetable soup place. He didn't enjoy this experience one little bit and he was rather frustrated that it took him so long to find a job.

Yesterday he found out the reason why.

There was an article in the London Lite newspaper entitled "Don't let your blogs cost you a new job" where it reported that employers are Googling potential job candidates to find out personal information about them. It went on to give examples of jobseekers missing out on employment because their blogs featured "dubious personal information" including details of drunken nights out, criticisms of former managers and, in one case, topless photos.

Suddenly it all became clear. Potential employers had Googled Yaxlich and discovered things on his blog which led them to ignore his application. He can't be sure exactly what they found that put them off but he has a fair inkling.

Today he is off to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see if it is legal to discriminate against someone who suffers from Betty Swollocks.

Allergies

2007-03-27T15:29:00.000+01:00

Spring has sprung and Yaxlich has discovered that he has an allergy. It's not one which he'd ever noticed he had before but it has come on strong over the last month or so.

It's not hayfever, nettle rash, salicylate sensitivity, a lactose intolerance or any of the other allergies listed on The Allergy Centre.

Ever since the beginning of this month Yaxlich has been suffering with a new allergy. One which has seriously affected his blogging and general computer use. One which means that he's always tired, rarely eats 3 proper meals a day and has only got as far as page 24 in Shaggy Blog Stories.

Yaxlich is allergic to work.

Late Night Googlies

2007-03-23T01:02:00.000Z

There are so many reasons why he shouldn't blog this and, yet, so many reasons why he should which is why he is proud to present his most recent Googlie.

Pooing yourself dreams

Nothing more to see here. Move along.

Pants And Stuff

2007-03-23T00:16:00.000Z

Tomorrow Yaxlich will be buying some underpants.

He would like to thank the contributors to Pant Aid for their kind donations as well as his new employers for making this moment possible. He would also like to thank Calvin Klein for inventing such snug fitting and yet ever so comfortable undergarments. The last thing he wants is a pair of underpants which remind him of Sandown pier.

P.S. His copy of Shaggy Blog Stories arrived this morning and he has been chortling heartily ever since. It's very funny.

Exciting Email

2007-03-21T18:32:00.000Z

Yaxlich got an email from Lulu today. He really likes "Shout" and he'd been wondering what she was up to these days. It seems that the very clever Mike at Troubled Diva has been getting her to send out the copies of Shaggy Blog Stories because Lulu told Yaxlich that his copy has been shipped!

He is going to reply to Lulu and ask her for her autograph.

Yaxlich Is A Brass Monkey

2007-03-20T18:57:00.000Z

Yaxlich has just got home from work. It's about a 15 minute walk from the tube station to his home. In that time his hands went purple and he lost the feeling in his face.

However there has been another worrying side effect which he'd like to share with you.

For his non-UK readers he will start by quoting the Wikipedia definition of brass monkey (colloquial expression):

The phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" is sometimes used by English speakers. What a brass monkey is in this phrase is not known.

For the people at Wikipedia a brass monkey is a statue of a monkey made out of brass. Yaxlich doesn't quite understand which part of brass monkey you didn't get but he hopes that now you know that you will subsequently update your excellent online resource.

Following the 15 minute walk through suburban Siberia, Yaxlich needed to visit the bathroom rather urgently. Without going into too finer detail, he is now of the impression that he may well be a brass monkey because whilst performing his standard inventory of his underpants, he noticed that he was coming up with two less items than the previous stock check.

Monday Morning

2007-03-19T11:38:00.000Z

Yaxlich spent the weekend pottering around the flat trying to get used to the idea that he is now a published writer. For obvious reasons, he hasn't mentioned his blog to Mr E or the agoraphobic Peruvian so couldn't share the news with them. He hasn't told any of his friends about his blog either and his mummy disapproves of him blogging.

According to his mummy, since he started blogging, Yaxlich is "no longer the sweet, innocent little boy that I carried for nine months" but a potty mouthed, cigarette smoking, bosom oggling, beer swilling layabout who spends all of his time on the computer.

For the life of him, he can't understand what has upset her so.

So, as a result, he didn't have anyone to share the news with. He's not due back to work until tomorrow and doesn't really think that he should tell anyone there either, especially not Tootsie*, so he's sharing the news with you here. On his blog. Where he feels comfortable enough to tell you anything.

Yaxlich ordered his copy of Shaggy Blog Stories yesterday and is very much looking forward to it arriving. So far it has raised over £1600 (US $3100) for charity which he thinks is an incredible amount of money in 3 days. Pant Aid only managed £5.63, a button and some trouser lint in over nine months.

In other news, Yaxlich caught up with his backlog of comments this morning. Whilst answering them, he came across a new commenter - Mr Farty! Yaxlich thinks he'll be right at home here.

Red Nose Day

2007-03-16T10:14:00.000Z

100 bloggers have published a book to raise funds of the BBC's Comic Relief appeal on Friday 16th March.

'Shaggy Blog Stories' features hilarious contributions from Richard Herring of 'Fist of Fun' fame, BBC 6Music presenter Andrew Collins, comedian Emma Kennedy, and James Henry, scriptwriter from Channel Four's 'The Green Wing'.

Authors Abby Lee, David Belbin, Catherine Sanderson and The Guardian's Anna Pickard have also contributed pieces to the book.

The vast majority of contributions, however, are the work of many of the lesser known and unfamiliar heroes of British blogging; going under pen names such as Diamond Geezer, Scaryduck, Pandemian and Unreliable Witness.

Also contributing to 'Shaggy Blog Stories', and hoping to raise funds for the Comic Relief Appeal is a certain Yaxlich Blogspot.

The book is the idea of blogger Mike Atkinson who writes the 'Troubled Diva' weblog. 'Shaggy Blog Stories' features comic writing from not only the cream of British blogging, but also the best up-and-coming and undiscovered writers publishing their work on their own websites.

Giving himself a "ridiculously short" seven days from idea to finished product, Atkinson admitted that he was overwhelmed with the response, which gleaned over 300 submissions for publication.

With a pool of talented writers, and the latest publishing-on-demand technology, Shaggy Blog Stories bypasses the usual snail-paced publishing industry, and offers a mail order service to customers who will receive their finished copy within days of placing their order, and only a couple of weeks after the original idea.

"Blogging creates complex, worldwide networks of friendship and contacts on the internet", says journalist Alistair Coleman, one of Shaggy Blog Stories' contributors. "By creating a buzz about this book, we can reach out to hundreds, thousands of readers who'd be willing to part with a few quid for this very good cause. Mike's got some excellent writers on board here whose work deserves a wider audience. Everybody wins."

For details of how to order the book, visit www.shaggyblogstories.co.uk.

For the background story on the creation of Shaggy Blog Stories, take a look at http://www.troubled-diva.com/.

Comedy, Funny, Red Nose Day, Comic Relief, Shaggy Blog Stories

New Job

2007-03-15T10:29:00.000Z

There seems to be something of a drinking culture at Yaxlichs new workplace. This will explain the lack of postings this week. He's not going to go into great detail but, sufficed to say, he's learnt a lot about some of his new work colleagues this week and they, in turn, have learnt a lot about him.

Yaxlich will get round to replying to everyones comments later on today but he's got to go back to ~~the pub~~ work now. He hasn't told any of his work colleagues that he writes a blog, though. That would be just plain silly.

P.S. Ironically the Word Verification for this post was: sozzfpl

Mrs Man

2007-03-12T17:48:00.000Z

Reasons Yaxlich likes his new job:

He doesn't have to see the vegetable soup people any more

He can do Number Two's at work so no more Clenchometer

He gets to meet lots of new people

He has money to buy underpants and books

He can now be employed by any company in the world as a health and safety expert

There are lots of different people at his new workplace and they all seem to be nice although he has found that since his induction training that he can't help but notice the reckless way some of them use a hole punch but that's another story.

Today he met a nice person. They were very friendly to him in the lift (or elevator if you're reading this in an American accent) and they wished him well in his new career. Yaxlich couldn't help noticing, however, that despite the floral blouse and sensible skirt that his new friend had a remarkably pronounced Adams apple.

Yaxlich mentioned this to his supervisor who casually remarked that this was Tootsie* and that he was a man who is waiting to have an operation on the NHS. Yaxlich was puzzled by this. He had an operation once and all he got to wear was a back to front dressing gown which meant everyone could see his bottom. When he recounted this story to his supervisor, he was told that this particular operation involved the removal of Tootsie's dangly toilet parts.

Yaxlich is glad that he went private.

* Not his/her real name but Yaxlich doesn't want to get in trouble with his new employers.

Shaggy Blog Stories

2007-03-12T17:27:00.000Z

Many readers will already know about Shaggy Blog Stories. If you don't then you need to go over to read all about it here - Shaggy Blog Stories: a collaborative blog-stunt for Comic Relief.

For those too lazy to click on the link, Mike at Troubled Diva is looking to collate a book of blog posts by British writers and use it to raise money for Comic Relief. The deadline for submissions is Tuesday 18:00 GMT and the book will be published on Friday.

Yaxlich submitted the Can't Sleep post, just so's you know.

Funny Posts

2007-03-08T10:02:00.000Z

Every now and again Yaxlich writes something which people say is funny. He doesn't mean it to be but sometimes it just comes out that way.

Someone recently asked him for the funniest post he has written but he couldn't really think of one so he thought he'd ask you.

Which post do you think is his funniest? Is it one of the ones under 'Plethora of Piffle'? Is it the one he posted on little.red.boat? Is there another one which has made you laugh?

Yaxlich would like to know which of his posts has particularly tickled your giggle glands.

Downhill Doggy - The Video

2007-03-08T09:28:00.000Z

Yaxlich would like to thank ttnacm for sending the YouTube video in response to the Downhill Doggy post. Rather than it hide away in the comments box, Yaxlich felt that the entire world* needed to see it.

If the video doesn't work, you can view it on YouTube by clicking this link.

* or at least both of his readers.

Downhill Doggy

2007-03-07T18:31:00.000Z

Yaxlich has just got back from the shops. He went in to buy some bread, some beers and a packet of cigarettes. He thought you might like to know.

On the way back from the shops he passes a park. When he says park, it's not like Regents Park or anything big like that. It's a grassed area with a bench next to a main road so it's not really a park but park is much easier to type than grassed area with a bench next to a main road.

On his journey back today, Yaxlich saw a dog having a poo in the park. The dogs owner had obviously come prepared for this moment because she scooped up the poo with a Sainsburys plastic bag whilst the dog wiped it's bottom by shuffling across the grass, propelling itself using only it's front legs whilst its back legs were pushed up to its chest*.

This always makes Yaxlich laugh because whenever he sees a dog wiping its bottom in this style he hums the theme tune to Ski Sunday because they look like downhill skiers.

* - Yaxlich tried to find a picture of the action to describe it better but after half an hour of looking on Google, he not only couldn't find a picture but he also felt physically sick. As a word of warning, he would suggest that should any of his readers ever feel the need to type in multiple variants of "dog wiping shit encrusted arse" that they should ensure that the Safe Search option is enabled.

** - Yaxlich would like to thank ttnacm for braving Google for long enough to find the above picture.

Moon Update #4+1

2007-03-05T23:45:00.001Z

Just in case anyone was worried, Moon Update #4 didn't happen. The day went like this instead:

Work Colleague: So what did you get up to at the weekend, Yaxlich?
Yaxlich: Stayed in, drank beer, wa....
Work Colleague (thwapping Yaxlich with stapler): Whatever. Here are this weeks H&S manuals.

So there you have it. Yaxlich is officially some kind of health and safety person. He doesn't have the first clue about either but that's how it works out.

Actually that's not strictly true. He does understand both health and safety but combining the two? This makes things twice as bad.

Health has 1118 words in it's Wikipedia definition and Safety has 1023 words so, by putting the two together, that's 2141 words.

Yaxlich is good at maths.

Loopy Britney

2007-03-05T21:15:00.000Z

According to A Welsh View, Yaxlich's former crush has gone a bit funny in the head.

Yaxlich hopes he didn't cause it in any way.

George Michael

2007-03-05T13:15:00.000Z

Yaxlich sees that George Michael is to play the first concert at the new Wembley Stadium.

He thinks this is an unusual choice of act. He also wonders whether or not they'll lay on extra toilets.

Moon Update #7

2007-03-04T00:09:00.000Z

Yaxlich is disappointed. Not a lot really happened. He was expecting the man on the moon to do lots of funny things but he didn't. He shimmered for a bit. He got embarrassed for a bit but, apart from that, he didn't do much else.

Oh well. At least Yaxlich can cross off Watch Lunar Eclipse And Blog About It on his list of things to do before he dies.

Next stop: Watching Paint Dry.

Moon Update #6

2007-03-03T23:21:00.000Z

At the moment the moon appears to be slightly embarrassed. It has a slightly reddish look but, apart from that, everything appears to be normal. Yaxlich will wait until something happens before updating again.

In the meanwhile Mr E has come in from his night out. The AP is away this weekend on, what Yaxlich assumes to be, an Agoraphobics Anonymous team building weekend so Mr E has been on a "big night out". He got home at 11pm. Sober.

Yaxlich, on the other hand, is getting quietly sozzled whilst watching the moon change colour.

If Blogger provided a polling option, he would like to offer a poll:

Who is the saddest?

A) Yaxlich for staying in on a Saturday night, drinking beer, watching the moon change colour and blogging about it
B) Mr E for going on a "big night out", driving so staying sober and being home by 11pm

Fortunately Blogger doesn't have this option so he can't.

Moon Update #5

2007-03-03T22:42:00.000Z

Exciting news here at ~~Bath Mat Watch~~ Moon Watch. It's nearly gone and it's bottom is starting to turn red.

Sadly Yaxlich knows exactly how it feels.

Moon Update #4

2007-03-03T22:07:00.000Z

The moon now looks like an upside down croissant. This has made him think about his blogging friends in France - Petite Anglaise (even though she's in Morrocco at the moment), Wendz (even though her boobs are turning into melons), CJ (even though she has got problems with her foot) and Greenmantle (even though he might not be in France for much longer).

Watching lunar eclipses is fun. He's looking forward to telling all of his new work colleagues about it on Monday.

Work Colleague - So what did you get up to at the weekend, Yaxlich?
Yaxlich - Stayed in, drank beer, watched the lunar eclipse and blogged about it.
Work Colleague - Hmmm. (reaches into drawer) Have you read this health and safety manual yet?
Yaxlich (distracted) - No. Is this the new one covering the correct procedure for carrying coffee through the workplace?
Work Colleague (whispering into phone) - Security? Get to floor 3 NOW! We've got a nutter. Repeat. We have a nutter!

Moon Update #3

2007-03-03T21:46:00.000Z

Yaxlich went to get a beer, have a tinkle and then returned to the window to look at the moon again.

The goatee is now a proper full-on beard. Yaxlich tried to grow a beard last year and it took him weeks. The man in the moon has grown one in a matter of minutes.

Yaxlich is very impressed.

Moon Update #2

2007-03-03T21:38:00.000Z

Still there but it looks like the man on the moon has got a little goatee beard.

Yaxlich is going to get another beer.

Moon Update #1

2007-03-03T21:09:00.000Z

Still there.

Total Eclipse

2007-03-03T20:37:00.000Z

Tonight there is going to be something called a total eclipse. Yaxlich doesn't really know what this means but a lot of people are getting very excited about it. Most of them are wearing anoraks.

Anyway, Yaxlich is going to try to get excited about it too. He doesn't have much else to do tonight so he's going to look at the moon, take some pictures and hum Bonnie Tyler songs.

First Day

2007-02-27T22:23:00.000Z

It was Yaxlich's first day at work today. It was almost like his first day at school only this time he didn't wet himself or call his boss mummy.

Yaxlich is quite shy so he found it difficult meeting so many people knowing that they were checking him out. It's never nice being the new boy. People make snap judgements that can stick with you for ever. He has an old school friend who still refers to him as "Farty Nose Bleed Boy".

Getting up in the morning wasn't fun. Yaxlich has never been a morning person. Mornings are not his friend. If he had his way, mornings would be banned.

He had one of those moments on the way to the tube station. The kind where you suddenly think that you're wearing your slippers. This is very odd because he hasn't worn slippers since he was 10.

First weeks at new jobs are always rubbish. For the first week nobody knows what to do with you. You're not good enough to be let loose to do your job and so you end up reading the health and safety manual because your boss/mentor/trainer/poor sap designated to look after you* (* delete where applicable) has run out of things to say.

Did you know that the Health and Safety Regulations 1981 require a company to provide appropriate equipment, facilities and personnel to enable first aid to be given to employees if they are injured or become ill at work? How about the fact that carbon dioxide fire extinguishers are only suitable for fires caused by electrical faults and flammable liquids?

Cheesy Dreams

2007-02-26T13:03:00.000Z

Yaxlich's bedtime cheese experiment didn't really result in anything of any note. He was a little disappointed, to be honest. He'd heard great things about people having weird and bizarre dreams following late night cheese feasts and, if the truth be told, his own dream was a little disappointing.

He can't remember all of the details but it started with Yaxlich running down the Great West Road in Brentford being pursued by a giant Lucozade bottle which was being driven by Sheena Easton. There were enormous Hiwatt speakers attached to the sides of the bottle which were blaring out "Modern Girl". Sheena was dressed in a cowgirls outfit and was trying to lasso Yaxlich with licorice string.

As Yaxlich ran under the M4, he took a sharp turn down Ealing Road and ran into a pub next to Brentford Football Club. As anyone who has ever done a pub quiz will know, Brentford is the only football ground in the country with a pub on all four corners. Anyway, he digresses. Inside he found JonnyB and The Girl playing the fruit machine. One of them was wearing a skintight PVC outfit with an enormous strap on dildo attached to the crotch area. The Girl was just wearing jeans and a My Boyfriend Is A Twat t-shirt.

As he looked around the pub, he saw a number of familiar bloggers who were all present for a meeting of some kind. He can't remember what it was for but it must have been jolly important because nearly every blogger he knows was in there. Of course Yaxlich doesn't know what the majority of bloggers look like but, somehow in his dream, he recognised everyone so Anna was knitting a jumper in the corner, Diamond Geezer was reproducing a map of the London Underground using only discarded cigarette ends, Ignorminious was asking Petite Anglaise for tips on hand rearing otters, Mr Biffo was wearing his stormtroopers outfit and entertaining everyone with his best Joe Pasquale impression. Wendz, Zoe and Sim were all playing a game a darts whilst An Unreliable Witness was challenging Non Working Monkey to an arm wrestle.

Along one wall were a collection of giant plasma screen TVs with live satellite links to overseas bloggers including Lizza, Sanni, Guyana Girl, MTS and Prometheus. Whatever was happening was big. This could be some kind of blogging revolution kicking off in The Princess Royal.

However Sheena came bursting through the doors followed by an army of dwarves. Instantly everyone else in the pub disappeared leaving only Yaxlich whimpering in the corner. As Sheena walked towards him, her face morphed into Bill Gates and he-she began to chuckle menacingly. Sheena-Bill told Yaxlich that he had turned to the Dark Side by switching to Firefox and that he would be punished. One of the dwarves produced a boxed copy of Vista and began thwapping Yaxlich around the head with it until everything went black.

When Yaxlich awoke he found that he was strapped to a chair in the middle of a giant amphitheatre. On the seats were dwarves drinking litre steins of dandelion and burdock, green monkeys throwing poo and a menacing looking 8 foot duck. He was being guarded by Tish who was sitting astride the Lucozade bottle and taking great delight in preparing a rubber gimp mask to put over Yaxlich's head. As Sheena-Bill strode into the amphitheatre to raucous cheers from the dwarves, he-she was followed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The Hiwatt speakers began pumping out the 12" remix of "Morning Train" and Sheena-Bill introduced the Pillsbury Dough Boy as being Mr Google who was also unhappy with Yaxlich for considering moving to WordPress.

Mr Google produced a huge Samurai sword from somewhere (possibly the vendor in the corner selling unfeasibly large 8th Century weapons) and announced to the baying crowd, or at least those which weren't more interested in throwing poo at each other, that Yaxlich was to be executed for crimes against the Judean People's Front.

Suddenly Helen Mirren came bursting through the doors riding a unicorn and brandishing JonnyB's enormous strap on which she used to bludgeon Mr Google to death. In the meanwhile, Sheena-Bill escaped in a helicopter made out of raspberry jelly whilst Tish drove off on the Lucozade bottle into the sunset accompanied by George Clooney.

And that's when he woke up so, as you can see, cheese categorically does not give you strange dreams.

Cheese

2007-02-23T23:53:00.000Z

Yaxlich went out tonight to meet some friends. He didn't eat anything before he went out so arrived home a little peckish. It was 11.30pm which is far too late to eat anything but this didn't stop him from having a late night snack. He made cheese toasties which, you may recall, is one of his favouritist things ever.

Someone once told him that eating cheese late at night gives you funny dreams. Since he is about to go to bed, Yaxlich will report back tomorrow if he has any unusual sleep activity.

Well any unusual sleep activity that he would be prepared to tell his mummy.

Busy

2007-02-23T17:33:00.000Z

Yaxlich. Too busy to blog. Playing game.

http://www.dumpalink.com/games/Fart_Fart-1ahb.html

Thanks Robert at A Welsh View.

Top score 8460.

Take that, Scaryduck!

Rival

2007-02-22T16:08:00.000Z

According to Mr Biffo, Scaryduck is "the UK's leading poo-obsessed blogger".

Possibly Mr Biffo made this statement because he thought Yaxlich had stopped blogging but this is not true. Yaxlich has simply been very busy over the last few weeks.

Clearly Yaxlich has some work to do if he is to achieve his goal.

Clever Yaxlich

2007-02-19T21:52:00.000Z

In order to use the new Blogger, you need to log in using your Google account. This is all well and good but if you happen to have more than one Google account, it means that you have to keep logging in and out of them in order to function.

Yaxlich has two Google accounts. One he uses for Blogger and one he uses for other things including Google Reader. The move to new Blogger meant that he could no longer remain logged in to his own blog and peruse Google Reader at the same time. This was very frustrating.

Today Yaxlich installed Firefox and, as a result, has come up with a very clever solution. He has found that if you log in to Google using Firefox, you can log in to Google using another account via Internet Explorer.

This has pleased him greatly. Not only is Firefox a much better web browser than Internet Explorer but it means he can surf and play all at the same time.

February is great. He never wants it to end.

Reasons To Be Cheerful - Part 3

2007-02-17T15:46:00.000Z

February is turning into a very good month indeed. Yaxlich had a phone call on Friday afternoon confirming that he is starting a new job on the 26th. It's not a very exciting job. He gets to sit on the telephone helping people with problems.

It's not the Samaritans, before you ask.

He is very much looking forward to telling the vegetable soup people that he won't be seeing them anymore. He'll miss Mrs Eyebrows but he's very excited about the prospect of the pant purchasing power that this new job brings.

In other news, Yaxlich hopes to start posting regularly again over the next few days. He's sorry that he hasn't been writing every day like he normally does but he's still busy not working on something else.

Happy weekend everyone!

Ultimate Googlie

2007-02-14T22:14:00.000Z

Yaxlich has been trumped. No matter what appears in his Site Meter stats, he doesn't think he can ever beat this doozie of a Googlie from f:lux.

"i have been invited to rocky horror but am afraid because wearing basque and stockings makes me hard"

Valentines Day

2007-02-14T20:11:00.000Z

Today is Valentines Day. Yaxlich only knows this because everyone kept asking him at work today whether he'd received any cards or phone calls or if he was going out for a romantic meal tonight.

The answer to all of the above is no.

Mr E and the AP have not gone out either. They're sitting in the kitchen having dinner at the moment and are showing no signs of leaving the flat. Yaxlich wonders whether agoraphobia is contagious.

He hopes they don't play nudey prod games later. He's very tired and doesn't want to hear them playing hide the sausage whilst he's trying to sleep.

Anyway, Yaxlich hopes that everyone is having a very nice Valentines Day and that they are spending it with someone special. When he says special, though, he doesn't mean someone sitting at the back of the bus licking the window.

Yikes!

2007-02-12T18:30:00.000Z

It looks as if Blogger are going to force Yaxlich to move to the new version. He's very scared that everything will break. He found a website which has given him some advice on how to back up Blogger. He hopes that it works OK.

If he disappears without a trace, he's very sorry. Google ate him.

One Other Thing

2007-02-08T20:56:00.000Z

Yaxlich probably should mention that the Snow Again post was his 300th.

In the past he celebrated his 100th and 200th posts by giving a brief review of what he had blogged about in that time but he is so tired at the moment that it's as much as he can manage to keep his eyes open so he hopes people won't mind too much.

If you wanted to see what he's blogged about since he passed 200 posts, he suggests you go to the November archive, start at November 14 and work your way back. In a nutshell it has involved poo, farts, winkies, vegetable soup and not working.

Definitely not working. Oh no. No work. No siree. Not Yaxlich.

Detecting A Pattern

2007-02-08T20:50:00.000Z

A couple of interesting Googlies in the last 24 hours.

Stupid women
Woman talking incessantly
Good smacked bottom

That will be all.

Snow Again

2007-02-08T20:40:00.000Z

It snowed last night. It wasn't the silly kind of snow that doesn't settle, it was proper snow and everything. Sadly he didn't get time to make a snowman today. To be fair, even if he had the time, he still hasn't bought any coal or carrots so it would have been a very odd looking snowman with eyes made out of brussel sprouts and the nose would have been that funny neck massager thing that the AP left in the front room once.

Tra La La

2007-02-05T21:12:00.000Z

To be read by the vegetable soup people: Today Yaxlich spent the whole day looking for a job and not working in the slightest. He watched a bit of day time TV and had gravel for lunch. He would like to thank you for coming to see him today and would like to end his message with a picture of a funny picture and then let you know that there is nothing else to see today.

To be read by everyone else: Today Yaxlich was working and has only just got home but he thought he'd let you know he was still here and thinking about you. He wants to say a big hello to everyone who has come to visit from Enids blog. He recommends that you go and visit her site called third-person singular but just be prepared for the fact that she talks funny. He can't quite put his finger on why...

He'd also like to say a belated hello to the people who entered the following phrases into Google today - betty swollocks, bottom poo shagging and stick your finger up your bum hiccups nobel. He hopes you enjoyed your stay and washed your hands on the way out.

Away

2007-02-04T20:57:00.000Z

Yaxlich isn't going to be around much over the next week so if you visit his blog and see he hasn't written anything, do not be alarmed. He hasn't stopped blogging or his hands haven't fallen off. He's just not here.

Play nicely.

A Little Bit Of Wee Came Out

2007-02-02T16:24:00.000Z

Yaxlich was idly looking through his Site Meter stats earlier this afternoon. As you know, he's always interested to see how people came to visit his site.

Today has thrown up one of the best Googlies in a long time. In fact when he saw it, he laughed so hard that a little bit of wee came out. This was the inspiration for the title of this post.

Todays Googlie is....scrotum enhancement.

February really is proving to be much better than January already.

Yay! Part Two

2007-02-01T13:26:00.000Z

Yesterday Yaxlich went to see the vegetable soup people.

Needless to say, after everything that has been going on over the last week, he was not in a good mood however he decided to take the advice of Richard and MTS so he strolled in to the VS place full of positive thoughts, a big smile and a slight hint of cleavage. There may even have been a slightly mischievous glint in his eye although it could equally have been sleepy dust.

As a result Yaxlich is now back in "the system" and will continue to receive his tuppence ha'penny a week to live on. They have said that he may be investigated at a later date but, for the time being, normal service is resumed.

He guesses now isn't a good time to tell them about his weeks work next week....

Yay!

2007-02-01T00:00:00.000Z

It's not January anymore. Despite earlier assurances that January was going to be cancelled due to lack of interest, January continued unabated. Well until now.

Today it is not January. It is February so sucks yah boo to January! Go on. Disappear off to do whatever it is that you do for the other eleven months of the year. Nobody cares about you, you spineless, horrible waste of a month. Well nobody apart from the membership committee at the local gym.

February will bring lots of happiness. Lots of mirth. Lots of nice things. Things that are not January. Yaxlich is doing a little jig of joy. In fact he's so happy about the fact that it's not January that he's going to tell you something about him that he's never told you before.

Yaxlich lives in a place that was once mentioned in a Monty Python sketch*.

There. Already February is a better place. Yaxlich envies MTS for getting there earlier but, equally, he doesn't envy her criminal descendency.

February is our month, people. Embrace February for it is good. Her Sheenaness demands it!

* - it's not Judea

Her Sheenaness

2007-01-31T19:19:00.000Z

As you'll be aware, Sunday was a very spiritual day for Yaxlich. He saw the light and it was good. He saw the light and it was 3 minutes 36 seconds. He saw the light and it was called Sheena.

The inspirational words of Her Sheenaness have touched him in a way that he has never been touched before. Well apart from that one time at scout camp but he wants to quickly brush over that.

Anyway, the point that he's trying to make here is that up until Sunday he had been experiencing gloominess at a level which had shot off the end of the Gloomometer. That was until he saw the light, although technically at that point he had only heard the light. Today he has actually seen the light and he would like you to see the light too.

The light comes in two forms. One is a very fuzzy light but is Her Sheenaness herself. The other light is an alternative Sheena which Yaxlich would like to dedicate to his friend Anna after her recent comment.

Enjoy.

Guess Who's Back

2007-01-31T11:31:00.000Z

Guess who's back
Back again
Clencho's back
Tell your friends

The Clenchometer has been dusted down and reinstalled above Yaxlich's computer but this time it would appear that it is no longer only required at weekends.

The AP has officially moved in and does not appear to have a job anymore so she hasn't left the flat in days. Yaxlich heard her making a phone call in Spanish earlier so slipped into the bathroom unnoticed to have a brief bowel evacuation safe in the knowledge that her jabbering was likely to disguise any Armitage Shanks action.

He doesn't know whether her 24/7 residence is a sign of things to come but, just in case, he has started work on a new invention. He calls it The Gruffler Muffler. Basically what it does is absorb any audible discharge of intestinal gas and then slowly releases it at a high pitched frequency which only dogs can hear.

He's a little concerned that his flat will become a magnet for the local canine population, particularly late at night after he's had a few beers. The last thing he wants to be known as is the Pie Eyed Pooper of old London Town.

80's Songs That Could Not Have Been Recorded By An American Artist

2007-01-31T10:34:00.000Z

In the first of a new series, Yaxlich is going to be looking at 80's songs which could not have been recorded by an American artist. He is going to call this series 80's Songs That Could Not Have Been Recorded By An American Artist.

The first song is - A.E.I.O.U. by Freez

Na Na Na Na Na

2007-01-30T17:49:00.000Z

The internet has been unavailable for most of the day so Yaxlich has not been able to do anything online. It has only just come back on and now he has to go out so there's no time to write anything. He didn't want you to think that he'd forgotten about you or anything.

Not like yesterday.

Since there is no time to post anything, he though he would share some inspirational verse with you.

He wakes and says, "hello", turns on the breakfast show
She fixes coffee while he takes a shower
"Hey, that was great", he said, "I wish we could stay in bed"
"But I got to be at work in less than an hour"
She manages a smile as he walks out the door
She's a modern girl who's been through this movie before

She don't build her world 'round no single man
But she's gettin' by, doin' what she can
She is free to be, what she wants to be
'N all she wants to be, is a modern girl
Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na
She's a modern girl

It looks like rain again, she takes the train again
She's on her way again through London town
Where she eats a tangerine, flicks through a magazine
Until it's time to leave her dreams on the underground
She walks to the office like everyone else
An independent lady takin' care of herself

She don't build her world 'round no single man
But she's gettin' by, doin' what she can
She is free to be, what she wants to be
'N all she wants to be, is a modern girl
Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na
She's a modern girl

She's been dreaming 'bout him all day long
As soon as she gets home, it's him on the telephone
He asks her to dinner, she says, "I'm not free"
"Tonight I'm gonna stay at home and watch my TV"

I don't build my world 'round no single man
But I'm (she's) gettin' by, doin' what I (she) can
I (she is) am free to be, what I (she) want(s) to be
'N all I (she) want(s) to be, is a modern girl
Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na
She's a modern girl
Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na
She's a modern girl

Yaxlich thanks Her Sheenaness for such inspirational words. He hopes that you find some enlightenment and happiness in these words. Na na na na na indeed.

Cheerful Is 3:36

2007-01-28T01:45:00.000Z

As you'll know, Yaxlich has had a pretty bad week with one thing and another. There have been some other things going on too which he won't bore you with but, sufficed to say, the last seven days haven't been that great. It's not been a case of glass half empty, glass half full. Someone stole Yaxlich's glass and did a big jobby in it. One day he will probably look back at this week and laugh but in the meanwhile he needs to find some bleach.

Anna is having a bad week too and Yaxlich was going to leave a comment to try to cheer his friend up when something miraculous happened. For the first time this week, Yaxlich had a big beaming grin on his face. The world seemed like a better place and the light at the end of the tunnel seemed brighter. All the woes of the week were pushed aside for 3 minutes and 36 seconds.

No, Yaxlich didn't have sex (twice) but his iTunes picked out a song in Party Shuffle mode which he hadn't heard for probably 20 years. In fact, he didn't even know he owned the song. It was on a compilation CD which he purchased yonks ago.

Anna. If you're reading this, Yaxlich can thoroughly recommend the following cure to help banish those SAD blues. It may not be a permanent solution but it certainly worked for him. Due to copyright reasons, he can't put the whole song on here but you can listen to a preview by clicking on this link.

Happiness is Modern Girl by Sheena Easton.

Hurrah!

Schoolboy Error

2007-01-26T13:39:00.000Z

Yaxlich forgot to mention that Jack is up for the Best Writing award in the 2007 Bloggies so rather than tag it on to the original post as some kind of after thought, he has created a new post here:

In other news Jack, a regular reader and commenter on The World Of Yaxlich, has been nominated for the Best Writing award in the 2007 Bloggies. Yaxlich would like to congratulate her on the nomination and hopes that Jack walks away with the prize.

There. Sorted.

2007 Bloggies

2007-01-26T11:04:00.000Z

Yaxlich did not make the finals for the 2007 Bloggies. He knows that he was on the short list because his Site Meter told him that he got lots of hits from the judges. All of them stayed on his site for 0.0 seconds. He thinks they must be very fast readers.

Zoe is up for Best European Blog. Girl, Andre and An Unreliable Witness are up for Best British Blog.

He's not heard of any of the blogs listed under the category of Best Kept Secret.

Money For Nothing

2007-01-25T19:33:00.000Z

In an attempt to make some money so those nasty vegetable soup people can't hold him to ransom any more, Yaxlich has signed up for a survey site called YouGov which pays you every time you complete a survey. The official blurb is below:

As a member of the YouGov Panel you will be invited from time-to-time to participate in surveys on topics ranging from from politics to painkillers to pensions. Each time you take part in a survey, you will have your virtual YouGov account credited with cash amounts depending on the survey's length, or you may be entered into a prize draw. When you reach £50 in your account, YouGov will send you a cheque for that amount.

In addition to being paid to participate, you also get referral fees so if someone were to create an account by clicking on this link, Yaxlich would get some money.

He doesn't really know how it works but it was recommended to him by a friend so it all seems above board. There are also options for non-UK citizens too so join today.

Bastards

2007-01-25T11:02:00.000Z

As regular readers will know, Yaxlich is currently out of work. As a result he has to take a trip to the vegetable soup place every two weeks to prove that he has been actively trying to find work. He has to write down all of the jobs that he has applied for and tell them if there have been any change in his circumstances. This is to prevent people from claiming benefits under false pretences.

Yaxlich is an honest man. He's not one of those people who are looking to scam the Government out of money whilst he's secretly running a multi million pound industry from his bedroom. He has worked all of his life and he is sure that this temporary lack of work is exactly that.

You may remember that Yaxlich had a days work back in December. Being the honest, upright citizen that he is, Yaxlich told the people at the vegetable soup place and completed the relevant forms. His mummy has always told him that honesty is the best policy.

Yesterday Yaxlich received a letter from the benefits people telling him that he is no longer entitled to any money. This letter was followed by another one this morning from the local council saying that they will no longer be paying Mr E any money. He rang them up to ask why and he was told it was because he was now back in employment. He explained that he had only worked one day and had no other work lined up. He was told that his case would be reviewed but, in the meantime, all payments would be suspended until he returned all of the appropriate forms. He pointed out that he had completed all of the forms given to him by the people at the vegetable soup place but they insisted that he complete some new ones.

Yaxlich tries not to get angry about things but, on this occasion, he will make an exception. He is absolutely livid that by being honest and telling them that he'd worked for one single day that they are now stopping his money whilst there are thousands of people out there claiming benefits fraudulently which they are doing nothing about. He sees them every fortnight. They sign on, tell the clerks that they're not working despite the fact they're covered in paint and cement dust and then jump back into their vans parked outside and go back to work. Why are they not targeting them? Why are they targeting someone who has hit a rough patch but who is honest about when he has worked?

He is going to ring the "helpline" again tomorrow to see what is happening. They will have received the 10 page document he had to complete by then. 10 pages for one days work. He couldn't understand a word that the woman said on the phone when he called yesterday. He hopes that he gets to speak to someone with less of an accent tomorrow.

If you have come to visit Yaxlich in expectation of something witty or funny or because you entered "poo bum fart" into Google, he is sorry that you have been disappointed. Full refunds are available by calling 0845 666 9000. You'll need to complete a 10 page form to qualify for your refund and the chances are that you won't get it anyway.

Snow

2007-01-24T11:12:00.000Z

When Yaxlich woke up this morning he was very excited to see that it had snowed overnight. There wasn't a lot of snow, certainly not enough to build a snowman but this is probably just as well as he doesn't have any carrots. Or coal.

Even though he doesn't particularly like winter, he does like snow. If Yaxlich could afford it, he would like to go skiing. All the cool kids go snowboarding but Yaxlich isn't a kid or cool so skiing sounds more like his thing. The thought of hurtling down a steep hill with two planks of wood strapped to his feet sounds exciting.

He's not sure that he'd like to wear thermal underwear, though. He has seen the adverts for long johns and all the models have a six pack. Yaxlich has a six roll so he's not sure he would look very good in them. He's also worried about the extra layer of clothing to remove if he got caught short at the top of a slope. When Yaxlich needs to go, Yaxlich needs to go.

A film that makes Yaxlich laugh is Dumb and Dumber. The bit where his tongue gets stuck to the ski lift is very funny. Obviously there is another scene which makes Yaxlich laugh a lot but he's been accused of only blogging about bodily functions so he won't mention that one. Anyway, if Yaxlich does ever go skiing, he will make sure he doesn't try to lick the ski lift. Films can be educational sometimes.

Yaxlich is off to the shops now to buy some carrots and some coal just in case it snows again tonight.

Snuffles

2007-01-23T15:11:00.000Z

Yaxlich is feeling a little under the weather at the moment so doesn't feel like blogging. He's a bit sniffly, a bit snuffly and a bit headachey. Since he tends to blog about things he sees, there seems very little point blogging today unless people want to read about his duvet, the contents of his tissues or Sky Sports news.

In other news, he can confirm that he won the 2007 Insiginifant Awards. The fact that every one of the blogs that entered also won is totally irrelevant. Yaxlich won an award. So there.

He's off now to blow large quantities of nasal mucus into a tissue.

See? He told you that you wouldn't want to read about it.

Blue Monday

2007-01-22T11:57:00.000Z

According to Cardiff University psychologist, Dr Cliff Arnall, January 22nd is the unhappiest day of the year. This is due to unpaid Christmas bills, nasty weather and failed New Years resolutions.

Yaxlich woke up this morning feeling a little bit blue and was moping around the flat feeling sorry for himself so he is glad to see that there is a proper medical reason behind this.

Musical Condoms

2007-01-19T12:23:00.000Z

Forget your iPod or iPhone, the must have accessory this year is the iDom.

According to the Reuters website:

Hong Kong's Ondo Creation, which makes designer condoms, hopes its Idom sheathes will put a more romantic spin on safe sex.

Apparently the iDom lasts for 18 minutes. Insert your own joke here.

Weather

2007-01-18T13:07:00.000Z

Judging by the fact that he has just seen the postman flying past his first floor window, Yaxlich surmises that the weather is back today after it's temporary hiatus. It's certainly very blustery today. According to the BBC website, winds of 70mph are expected today.

Blustery. What a wonderful word. Yaxlich can't help but think of Winnie the Pooh.

Oh no. He's done it again. Maybe they're right. Maybe he can only blog about wind and poo.

An Open Letter

2007-01-17T15:03:00.000Z

Dear Sir,

Yaxlich thanks you for your recent communications. It is a joy to turn on the computer in the morning and see that you've been thinking about him a lot whilst he's been asleep. Yaxlich sometimes gets lonely so it's nice to know that you're always there for him.

However he feels that it is time to let you know a couple of things about him which might help you in your daily correspondence.

Although his "love missile" hasn't been out of the silo recently, he is fairly confident that it still works properly so your invitation to purchase erectile disfunction cures are a little unnecessary. Whilst he enjoys the humour you inject into these particular emails (he particularly enjoyed the recent euphemisms "pork sword", "love lance", "weeny wiener" and "one eyed trouser snake"), he feels it only fair to point out that he does not currently require these services. Should the situation change in the future, he will let you know.

On the subject of his winky, he isn't too sure he particularly requires any of the other products you have recently been suggesting. When he first received your mail titled "Yo Short Stack - You Need More Meat", he assumed it was a reference to his poorly stocked freezer. However after several months of emails offering additional length, girth and ejaculatory prowess, he would like to refer you to his previous statement.

Yaxlich is more than a little disappointed that despite his responses to the latest meme, you still insist on offering him a Rolex watch at least twice a day. Yaxlich doesn't wear a watch and, quite frankly, is upset that you've not been to read his blog this year. Fair's fair, you know.

Equally although Natasha (19) looks very pretty and he is sure that she would make a most excellent wife, if you'd been reading his blog you would be aware that Yaxlich is not working at the moment so cannot afford to pay for her air fare to live in London with him. Although, of course, should he look after that large sum of money for your colleague, the Nigerian princess, this might change.

On the subject of money, Yaxlich appreciates the stock market tips. When he is in employment again, he will be sure to be in contact. Incidentally, can you speak with someone from the Fifth Third Bank? They seem to think Yaxlich has an account with them which he doesn't. If you could, that would be really nice.

So in closing, he thanks you for your continued correspondence and for the energy levels you put into this relationship. You must find it very hard to come up with something new to write every single day so this is why Yaxlich feels that now is a good time to point out his current requirements in order that you don't waste too much of your valuable time giving him suggestions for products that he does not need.

Yours faithfully,

Yaxlich Blogspot

Further Proof

2007-01-17T13:01:00.000Z

If any further proof were required that January should be cancelled due to lack of interest, here it is. The top entertainment story on the BBC website for Wednesday 17 January is

Celebrity chef Stein's dog dies

Maybe those French protesters had the right idea after all.

January Has Been Cancelled

2007-01-16T14:50:00.000Z

News has reached Yaxlich this morning that January may be cancelled this year due to lack of interest. This pleases him greatly. He has never been a big fan of January. He's always seen it as the poor relation. Nothing much ever happens in January.

If you look at all of the other months, things happen in them whether they be religious festivals or national holidays or saints days. Something happens whereas January single handedly fails to achieve anything. January shoots it load on the very first day and then slips into 30 days of nothingness.

Even the weather seems to shun January. Yaxlich just looked out of his window and nothing much is happening weather wise. It's not raining and it's not snowing. There's no fog or hail or sun or wind. Nothing. As far as he can see, there is absolutely no weather today.

Yaxlich thinks it would be great if we could have two Augusts every year. That would be a lot of fun although he is slightly worried that his medical condition might flare up again but he thinks a little bit of chafing is nothing compared to the joy of long, hot summer days.

Star Wars Monday

2007-01-15T12:54:00.000Z

Yaxlich was a little bored this morning so he spent an hour on YouTube looking at Star Wars videos. He realises that this isn't his usual style of post but he has had so much fun that he thought he'd share them with you.

Lego Star Wars Symphony - Yaxlich hopes that Ian over at Adventures of the S-Team does something similar with Sandstorm, Silence and the rest of the guys.

Star Wars COPS - Yaxlich likes watching programmes like COPS and he loves Star Wars. A perfect mix.

Original Star Wars auditions - Although possibly not.

Original Star Wars trailer - This one is really the original trailer. Yaxlich is amazed anyone went to see the film!

Tie-Tanic - Fairly amusing twist.

Darth Vader Funny - Yaxlich has mentioned this one before but it still makes him laugh.

Episode IV Remix - He doesn't know why but this one made him chuckle.

Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback - See above.

Darth Vader: The Musical - Yaxlich is glad he saw this after his trip to London. He doesn't think he would have been able to keep a straight face otherwise.

MTV Star Wars - He's still chuckling...oh dear...

So there you have it. A selection of video clips for you to waste an hour of your life watching. Yaxlich had a lot of fun putting this list together. In fact he might make it a regular feature although he won't always use Star Wars every week. That would be very dull.

The chances are, though, that it will go the same way as all of his previous regular features. Whatever happened to Challenge Yaxlich or The Adventures of Beefy McManstick? Maybe it has something to do with his short attention span.

Oh look! A birdy!

Again.

Shoe Debris

2007-01-12T18:31:00.000Z

One of the rules in the flat that Yaxlich shares with Mr E is that people should take off their shoes in the hallway before coming up the stairs. This is presumably because Mr E doesn't want the carpets to get dirty as opposed to any kind of secret foot fetish that he may have.

A little earlier this afternoon, Yaxlich went outside for a cigarette and forgot to take his shoes off when he got back indoors. He came straight up the stairs, went into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee.

It was only when he came out of the kitchen that he spotted a single wet, brown leaf at the top of the stairs that he must have brought in with him from outside. This leaf was a fairly unremarkable leaf. It had no clear distinguishing features. Nothing about it suggested that it was anything other than a regular leaf.

This is why Yaxlich was somewhat confused when his subconscious referred to it as "shoe debris". The voice in his head distinctly said "Oh look, Yaxlich, you have left some shoe debris at the top of the stairs". Yaxlich had never referred to anything as shoe debris previously and cannot recall anyone else ever doing so either so why did his subconscious not refer to it as a leaf when a leaf is what it was?

Yaxlich pondered this for a few moments before coming to the conclusion that he had just invented a new phrase. There could be no other explanation. In the same way that Isaac Newton discovered gravity by being hit on the head with an apple thrown by William Tell, Yaxlich had invented a new phrase because he had ignored the strict house rules imposed by Mr E. If you think about it, the two scenarios are uncannily similar.

He sat proudly in front of his monitor for several minutes. It isn’t every day that you invent a new phase for the English language. This would be his legacy to the world. In hundreds of years time, English students would look up the phrase “shoe debris” in Wikipedia and see that it was invented by Yaxlich Blogspot on the 12th of January 2007 after having a cigarette on a particularly blustery day.

Imagine his disappointment when he checked on Google and discovered that there were already 155 references for the phrase “shoe debris”.

Damn you, Google, and your all seeing eye.

Tagged

2007-01-12T16:58:00.000Z

Yaxlich has been tagged by Queen Meme herself. He had decided that he was going to try to be meme free (as free as the wind blows) this year but when the Queen herself asks, you don't argue. So without further ado, Yaxlich will respond to her Highness.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Another mutant eyebrow. Joy.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Currently about five pounds in loose change. That's five English pounds rather than 5lbs of loose change which would be rather a lot.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Jeremy but only if you say it properly.

4. Do you label yourself?
Yaxlich does label himself in case people try to put him in on a high spin.

5. Bright or Dark Room? Which do you prefer?
Yaxlich spent most of yesterday in a darkened room as a result of his Guinness adventure. Does that help?

6. Why is there always a missing question?
Because even a know it all needs to be surprised occasionally.

7. What does your watch look like?
Yaxlich does not own a watch. Not since the incident with Mrs Peabody, the tub of Swarfega and the power hose.

8. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Snoring.

9. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Where Yaxlich lives is far too posh to have 7-11. Ealing, on the other hand, isn't.

10. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Contrafibularity.

11. Who told you he/she loved you last?
The man who smelt of wee at Oxford Circus tube station at the tail end of the Guinness Adventure.

12. Last furry thing you touched?
Is Yaxlich allowed to mention his bottom here?

13. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Yaxlich does not own a camera.

14. Favorite age you have been so far?
3. Life was so much easier when he could still play with his winky in public and not get arrested.

15. Your worst enemy?
Lex Luthor. Curse him and plans for world domination.

16. What is your current desktop picture?
A tropical island. It is very soothing although all the water sometimes makes Yaxlich want to have a wee.

17. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Thank you.

18. The last song you listened to?
F.O.D. by Green Day

19. What time of day were you born?
Around 7am.

20. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Admonish them sternly.

21. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.

22. What’s your life motto?
A finger of fudge is just enough until it's time to eat.

23. Name three things you have on you at all times.
Frayed underpants, a copy of Librarians Wives and a small Philipino boy called Slurp.

24. Can you change the oil on a car?
Not deliberately.

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
This week to the Inland Revenue but not been posted yet.

Yaxlich won't tag anyone specifically. If you feel like responding, drop him a line in the comments box. Other than that, he is sorry to have woken you up this afternoon and he hopes the lime pickle was nice.

Blogs Yaxlich Wishes He'd Written (Part One)

2007-01-11T16:32:00.000Z

This is the first in a series of posts about other blogs which Yaxlich wishes he'd written. He has decided to call the series Blogs Which Yaxlich Wishes He'd Written.

The first blog is Guyana Gyal. Yaxlich thinks this blog is brilliantly written and it never fails to make him chuckle. Yaxlich wishes that he could create an imaginary character and write a blog about their life every single day.

The second blog in this series, or as he likes to refer to it, the number two blog, is Done A Poo. Its a blog about poo. Why wouldn't Yaxlich want to have written this? The one which made Yaxlich laugh the most was the entry for Bjork. Oh how he laughed.

More to come in this series of posts about other blogs which Yaxlich wishes he'd written called Blogs Which Yaxlich Wishes He'd Written.

Bad Yaxlich

2007-01-11T11:04:00.000Z

Yaxlich was very naughty yesterday. He didn't blog. You probably already knew that but he thought he'd tell you anyway.

Yesterday Yaxlich mainly spent the day drinking Guinness with some friends. He didn't drink Guinness all day but quite a lot of it. Yaxlich rarely drinks so he was feeling very tipsy when he got home.

The meeting up with friends wasn't just about drinking lots of Guinness. It also involved looking at possible work opportunities for Yaxlich so this was a good thing. Hopefully 2007 will be a better year for him work wise and he won't have to go to the vegetable soup place any more. This would be good although he would miss seeing Mrs Eyebrows.

So there you have it. The reason why Yaxlich didn't post anything yesterday and also the reason why he is feeling very delicate this morning. If you're going to leave a comment today, can you do it very quietly?

Songs

2007-01-09T12:26:00.000Z

Yaxlich has got a song stuck in his head and no matter how hard he tries, he cannot get rid of it. This happens a lot to him. For whatever reason, random songs fly into his head and then remain in there for days, buzzing around his skull and keeping him awake at night.

Once he had the theme tune to Sale Of The Century in his head for four days running. After the second day, he sat down and watched the quiz stations on the TV to try to replace it with something else but to no avail. Strike It Lucky made a valiant attempt but visions of Nicholas Parsons in stockings soon filled his head once more and SOTC remained firmly entrenched.

The worst thing about the whole sorry incident was that Sale Of The Century stopped broadcasting in the early 80's and, as far as he could recall, Yaxlich had not seen it since so why was it in his head? Where had it come from? Where did it go? Where had it come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

Anyway, the song currently stuck in Yaxlich's head is All I Want For Christmas Is You. Not the Mariah Carey version but the one from Love Actually. It has been in his head on and off for the last month or so. Ever since Love Actually was on the TV before Christmas.

Yaxlich has tried everything short of trepanning to get this song out of his head but he can't. He thinks this may be tied in with the nose bleed he had the other day. Perhaps the pressure of listening to this sickly song caused the nose goblins to revolt.

Remembered

2007-01-08T13:33:00.000Z

Yaxlich has just remembered what it was that he was going to blog about earlier. It was very funny.

You would have enjoyed it.

Blogadon

2007-01-08T12:54:00.000Z

It has taken Yaxlich somewhere close to an hour to log in to Blogger.

As a consequence, he has completely forgotten what he was going to write.

He is sorry.

No Reason

2007-01-05T16:13:00.000Z

There's absolutely no reason why Yaxlich is mentioning the fact that he started blogging in 2006 or that he is based in the UK or that he could be considered to be a well kept secret.

There's no reason at all.

In the same way there is no need to mention that Zoe, Wendz and Petite are based in Europe (not including the United Kingdom and Ireland). Therefore it stands to reason that Yaxlich would be wasting his breath stating that Jonny, Diamond Geezer and Robert are all based in the UK where, coincedentally, both Anna and Meg have been blogging since before January 1, 2002.

Obviously if there were a reason for any of this, it would probably expire at 10.00pm Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5) on Wednesday, January 10.

But there isn't.

Google Reader

2007-01-05T13:47:00.000Z

Yaxlich uses Google Reader to keep an eye on all of his favourite blogs. It's very easy to use and they've just released an excellent stats program which means that he can look at pretty graphs to see what time of day he reads all of his friends blogs.

The problem is that he hasn't put everyones blogs into Google Reader yet. Now he could go through all of his comments, his bookmarks and random Post-It notes lying around the flat and make a note of everyones blog address but he thinks it would be much easier for people just to leave a comment on this blog post if they want to be added to his Reader feeder thingy.

Step right up! Add your comment but only if you're nice. Yaxlich will delete any spam comments. He only wants to play with the nice people.