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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The One Where Yaxlich Gets Piles

Yaxlich has a young niece with whom he occasionally chats on MSN Messenger. He only understands every third word she says. She uses some kind of secret code that only teenagers and Scaryduck understand. Every now and then Uncle Yaxlich has to ask his teenage niece to explain what all of the shorthand means. He learnt recently, for example, that TMI stands for Too Much Information.

He wonders if his niece would consider this to be TMI.

Ever since the AP moved into the flat permanently at the beginning of the year, Yaxlich has had to be even more selective with his trips to the toilet. He regularly stores them up for when she might pop out to do some gardening or go to the newsagent to collect her copy of Pan Pipe Weekly. These rare comfort breaks tend to be something of a rush job. No longer can Yaxlich read an entire newspaper in one sitting, he has to get in, get the job done and get out in a matter of minutes.

As a result, Yaxlich has got piles.

Using a cunning arrangement involving a shaving mirror and the edge of the bath, Yaxlich has managed to view this gold medallion award winning collection of fine Shiraz grapes at close hand as he gently dabs at them with the Preparation H. He found it terribly embarrassing going into the chemists to buy the Worlds leading haemorrhoid product to “relieve rectal itch and anal pain”* so he picked up a new toothbrush and some Ralgex at the same time. He was very careful when unpacking the carrier bag to ensure the two products were placed at opposite ends of his bedroom in case a 3am trip to the toilet was required and he picked up the wrong tube.

Tomorrow Yaxlich is going out to buy a childs inflatable ring to put on his office chair.

* if any copywriters are reading this, you might consider giving a pitch to the folks at Preparation H as Yaxlich thinks they could do with a new marketing slogan.

Comments on "The One Where Yaxlich Gets Piles"


Anonymous tillylil said ... (5:09 pm) : 

now we know why Yaxlich has been unable to sit and blog - let's hope the ointment works and he is back to his blogging best


Blogger john.g. said ... (8:55 pm) : 

Sorry, Yaxlich, I didn't realise you had the grapes of wrath. Poor thing. My word verification is "wtoheal"!


Blogger meredic said ... (10:14 pm) : 

A post to keep me awake at night. And not in a nice way. TMI indeed.


Anonymous Ignorminious said ... (10:51 pm) : 

Awww I'm sorry to hear about your long suffering bottom Yaxlich. When I was in 6th Form my friends and I used to have long conversations about piles with the head of 6th Form, who was seemingly worried that we might suffer the condition by sitting on cold brick walls whilst getting a breath of fresh air during social events.

Never did though.


Blogger Guyana-Gyal said ... (11:42 pm) : 

Yaxlich is the only person I know who can blog about piles with such gusto! I just don't know whether to laugh or to sympathise.


Blogger Guyana-Gyal said ... (11:45 pm) : 

What I mean is, I don't know if I should laugh at your blogging about such an...ahem...un-dainty subject.


Anonymous Keith said ... (12:38 am) : 

It has taken hundreds of years to attain this high standard instant communication. Thousands of man-hours have gone into the research and the technology required to create this wonder, the finest means of communicating instantly with fellow "homo-stupidus" man in the farthest corners of the Earth. And what does Yaxlich talk about?

His bloody sore arse, and poo! Now everybody in the world knows he has problems shitting.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:40 am) : 

Well, I suppose he's "relieved" now. It's taken a load of his mind (and his bowels).


Blogger Milk & Two Sugars said ... (8:06 am) : 

Oh, dear.


Blogger Lizza said ... (8:33 am) : 

Poor Yaxlich. Arse grapes aren't pretty. I hope the ointment does its job. The AP sure has managed to turn your toilet life topsy-turvy.


Anonymous sablonneuse said ... (8:35 am) : 

Talk about a pain in the arse . . .

You'll have to get rid of your unwanted guest or else soundproof the toilet - otherwise these piles will be a recurring problem.


Blogger Mr. X said ... (9:39 am) : 

Time to get the elastic bands out...
And stand up for a while!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:58 am) : 

It may be embarrassing buying the Preparation H but oh the relief when you use it - definitely TMI LOLZ


Blogger Tish said ... (12:55 pm) : 

Bummer, dude.


Blogger Wendz said ... (9:14 pm) : 

It's time Yaxlich took a stand on the matter. He needs to reclaim the loo for himself.

The only way to do this is to use it as often as possible, when the AP is present. Be as noisy and stinky as he can and then the AP will have no alternative but to vacate the flat and leave Yaxlich to poo in peace.


Blogger john.g. said ... (9:23 pm) : 

Wendz, typical!!


Anonymous Brian said ... (7:53 am) : 

I guess you could sit on the open top of my mop bucket...

*Runs off to October 2006*


Blogger Sally Lomax said ... (3:01 pm) : 

I'm just glad you're back!! I think the AP definitely needs to be more considerate!


Anonymous Keith said ... (6:27 pm) : 

Brian sed - " ..sit on the open top of my mop bucket.." Well, that would certainly sort the lumpy bits out from the runny parts.

Suddenly, I've just go off my dinner....


Blogger Mr Farty said ... (11:02 pm) : 

Way TMI. Poor Yaxlich.


Blogger Katy Newton said ... (12:38 am) : 

If Mitchum can go from "FOR PROBLEM PERSPIRATION" to "So effective you could even miss a day!" then I am sure that Preparation H can be made marketable. Somehow.


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