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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Sir,

Yaxlich thanks you for your recent communications. It is a joy to turn on the computer in the morning and see that you've been thinking about him a lot whilst he's been asleep. Yaxlich sometimes gets lonely so it's nice to know that you're always there for him.

However he feels that it is time to let you know a couple of things about him which might help you in your daily correspondence.

Although his "love missile" hasn't been out of the silo recently, he is fairly confident that it still works properly so your invitation to purchase erectile disfunction cures are a little unnecessary. Whilst he enjoys the humour you inject into these particular emails (he particularly enjoyed the recent euphemisms "pork sword", "love lance", "weeny wiener" and "one eyed trouser snake"), he feels it only fair to point out that he does not currently require these services. Should the situation change in the future, he will let you know.

On the subject of his winky, he isn't too sure he particularly requires any of the other products you have recently been suggesting. When he first received your mail titled "Yo Short Stack - You Need More Meat", he assumed it was a reference to his poorly stocked freezer. However after several months of emails offering additional length, girth and ejaculatory prowess, he would like to refer you to his previous statement.

Yaxlich is more than a little disappointed that despite his responses to the latest meme, you still insist on offering him a Rolex watch at least twice a day. Yaxlich doesn't wear a watch and, quite frankly, is upset that you've not been to read his blog this year. Fair's fair, you know.

Equally although Natasha (19) looks very pretty and he is sure that she would make a most excellent wife, if you'd been reading his blog you would be aware that Yaxlich is not working at the moment so cannot afford to pay for her air fare to live in London with him. Although, of course, should he look after that large sum of money for your colleague, the Nigerian princess, this might change.

On the subject of money, Yaxlich appreciates the stock market tips. When he is in employment again, he will be sure to be in contact. Incidentally, can you speak with someone from the Fifth Third Bank? They seem to think Yaxlich has an account with them which he doesn't. If you could, that would be really nice.

So in closing, he thanks you for your continued correspondence and for the energy levels you put into this relationship. You must find it very hard to come up with something new to write every single day so this is why Yaxlich feels that now is a good time to point out his current requirements in order that you don't waste too much of your valuable time giving him suggestions for products that he does not need.

Yours faithfully,

Yaxlich Blogspot

Comments on "An Open Letter"

 

Blogger Wendz said ... (4:43 pm) : 

Wendz gets daily emails from someone who assumes she needs viagra.

This would be funny, seeing as Wendz doesn't have a weeny wiener - (nor a beefy mcmanstick)...if it wasn't so predictable, and didn't come with an instruction to install a Japanese language pack.

 

Blogger Lizza said ... (4:47 pm) : 

Excellent letter!

"Love lance?" Haha! This guy needs to refine his targeting techniques (he offered to help me increase my sperm count).

 

Blogger mad muthas said ... (5:59 pm) : 

we're clearly on the same mailing lists. i'm also getting job and mortgage offers from all over the world - even when i haven't applied for any. see - the internet is a wonderful thing!

 

Anonymous meredic said ... (9:59 pm) : 

I like to write them a little personal reply in the welsh. And attatch a virus that someone sent me once. Oooh hang on I may be incriminating myself here.... does anyone else speak welsh?

 

Anonymous Goo said ... (9:59 pm) : 

haha that is pure genius right there!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:33 pm) : 

Send it to the 'New Yorker' and see if you can get a bit of employment.


Littlebear

 

Anonymous Ignorminious said ... (11:20 pm) : 

Fifth Third Bank think you have an account with them as well!? They really need to check their customer list!

Looks like you've out done me again Yaxich old boy. My letter to junk mailers was nothing like as cool as yours is!

 

Blogger ldbug said ... (12:36 am) : 

I have to admit, I like the 'pork sword' very inventive of them

 

Blogger thegirl said ... (1:41 am) : 

You're lucky you just get viagra. All I seem to get is "Farm Girls". I think the internet is trying to tell me something.

 

Blogger mysterious_malady said ... (1:46 am) : 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:53 am) : 

Hey Yax,

MM lives in the US of A and she saw a program on the tube about some Mayor or Senator or somebody thats rather high up on the totem pole that politics is, that got duped by the scam that originated in Africa. There was a whole expose (cant do the asterisk, exposay) and people got arrested and all that jazz. Just figured MM would share so Y doesnt fall for it, not that Y would. Y is very astute indeed.

MM.

 

Blogger Sanni said ... (2:11 am) : 

LOL - that´s so funny.
Sanni gets daily offers of Mrs. Arafat to spent about a ton of her husbands $$$ - all Sanni has to do is to name most of her personal data and send some money first. Too bad Sanni has spent all her money on the penis pumps she was offered a few weeks ago...

 

Blogger Sablonneuse said ... (11:36 am) : 

Great letter. It made me laugh alot despite being plagued by the same(?)stock market spam.
You deserve a well paid job as a writer!

 

Blogger mad muthas said ... (11:54 am) : 

my husband did some work for the company that makes viagra and he claims they have a factory shop that sells misshapes half price - like at cadbury world.
but sometimes he makes things up.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:11 pm) : 

http://www.flatuphobia.com/facts.htm

 

Blogger Yaxlich said ... (1:37 pm) : 

Wendz - Yaxlich has got spam envy. He never gets offered Japanese language pack downloads.

Lizza - His targeting technique seems to be quite accurate in your case. Yaxlich assumes that you currently have a zero sperm count so the offer to increase it would appear valid.

Mad Muthas - Again, Yaxlich has spam envy. Even the spammers don't offer him a job.

Meredic - A Welsh virus? What does it do?

Goo - Feel free to cut and paste it into your replies to the spammers.

Littlebear - The New Yorker, you say? Where are they based?

Iggy - Yaxlich has just read your rant. You scare Yaxlich.

Snowbug - Beef bayonet was another one of Yaxlich's favourites.

Girl - Yaxlich will swap you a Viagra for a farm girl.

MM - If only the powers that be did something about it when ordinary people are affected. That would be nice.

Sanni - Will you be opening a penis pump emporium?

Sablonneuse - Yaxlich would gladly accept a poorly paid job as a writer.

Mad Muthas - Weren't you here a few hours ago?

Anonymous - Yaxlich thanks you for a most interesting link. He will use that list as his shopping list.

As an interesting aside, after writing the post yesterday, Yaxlich discovered that nearly 90% of all emails sent are spam.

 

Anonymous meredic said ... (8:07 pm) : 

Leaves you tongue tied Yax.... unable to pronounce anything with more than one l in it.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:36 am) : 

London.


Littlebear

 

Blogger Yaxlich said ... (2:35 pm) : 

Yikes! Yaxlich wouldn't want this virus. How would he order a pint of Stella?

 

Blogger Yaxlich said ... (5:37 pm) : 

Yaxlich has received a reply to his letter. It's been posted here. Unfortunately, though, it keeps making his Internet Explorer break.

Anyway, he thanks Greenmantle for publishing the letter on his site.

 

Blogger Richard said ... (5:55 pm) : 

My IE Keeps breaking too :-(

 

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