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Monday, February 26, 2007

Cheesy Dreams

Yaxlich's bedtime cheese experiment didn't really result in anything of any note. He was a little disappointed, to be honest. He'd heard great things about people having weird and bizarre dreams following late night cheese feasts and, if the truth be told, his own dream was a little disappointing.

He can't remember all of the details but it started with Yaxlich running down the Great West Road in Brentford being pursued by a giant Lucozade bottle which was being driven by Sheena Easton. There were enormous Hiwatt speakers attached to the sides of the bottle which were blaring out "Modern Girl". Sheena was dressed in a cowgirls outfit and was trying to lasso Yaxlich with licorice string.

As Yaxlich ran under the M4, he took a sharp turn down Ealing Road and ran into a pub next to Brentford Football Club. As anyone who has ever done a pub quiz will know, Brentford is the only football ground in the country with a pub on all four corners. Anyway, he digresses. Inside he found JonnyB and The Girl playing the fruit machine. One of them was wearing a skintight PVC outfit with an enormous strap on dildo attached to the crotch area. The Girl was just wearing jeans and a My Boyfriend Is A Twat t-shirt.

As he looked around the pub, he saw a number of familiar bloggers who were all present for a meeting of some kind. He can't remember what it was for but it must have been jolly important because nearly every blogger he knows was in there. Of course Yaxlich doesn't know what the majority of bloggers look like but, somehow in his dream, he recognised everyone so Anna was knitting a jumper in the corner, Diamond Geezer was reproducing a map of the London Underground using only discarded cigarette ends, Ignorminious was asking Petite Anglaise for tips on hand rearing otters, Mr Biffo was wearing his stormtroopers outfit and entertaining everyone with his best Joe Pasquale impression. Wendz, Zoe and Sim were all playing a game a darts whilst An Unreliable Witness was challenging Non Working Monkey to an arm wrestle.

Along one wall were a collection of giant plasma screen TVs with live satellite links to overseas bloggers including Lizza, Sanni, Guyana Girl, MTS and Prometheus. Whatever was happening was big. This could be some kind of blogging revolution kicking off in The Princess Royal.

However Sheena came bursting through the doors followed by an army of dwarves. Instantly everyone else in the pub disappeared leaving only Yaxlich whimpering in the corner. As Sheena walked towards him, her face morphed into Bill Gates and he-she began to chuckle menacingly. Sheena-Bill told Yaxlich that he had turned to the Dark Side by switching to Firefox and that he would be punished. One of the dwarves produced a boxed copy of Vista and began thwapping Yaxlich around the head with it until everything went black.

When Yaxlich awoke he found that he was strapped to a chair in the middle of a giant amphitheatre. On the seats were dwarves drinking litre steins of dandelion and burdock, green monkeys throwing poo and a menacing looking 8 foot duck. He was being guarded by Tish who was sitting astride the Lucozade bottle and taking great delight in preparing a rubber gimp mask to put over Yaxlich's head. As Sheena-Bill strode into the amphitheatre to raucous cheers from the dwarves, he-she was followed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The Hiwatt speakers began pumping out the 12" remix of "Morning Train" and Sheena-Bill introduced the Pillsbury Dough Boy as being Mr Google who was also unhappy with Yaxlich for considering moving to WordPress.

Mr Google produced a huge Samurai sword from somewhere (possibly the vendor in the corner selling unfeasibly large 8th Century weapons) and announced to the baying crowd, or at least those which weren't more interested in throwing poo at each other, that Yaxlich was to be executed for crimes against the Judean People's Front.

Suddenly Helen Mirren came bursting through the doors riding a unicorn and brandishing JonnyB's enormous strap on which she used to bludgeon Mr Google to death. In the meanwhile, Sheena-Bill escaped in a helicopter made out of raspberry jelly whilst Tish drove off on the Lucozade bottle into the sunset accompanied by George Clooney.

And that's when he woke up so, as you can see, cheese categorically does not give you strange dreams.

Comments on "Cheesy Dreams"


Blogger john.g. said ... (3:32 pm) : 

Thank f*ck i wasn`t there!

Ooh, FIRST!! Yippee!!


Blogger john.g. said ... (3:35 pm) : 

PS, your are MAD! Leave whatever cheese you`re smoking alone. BRILLIANT!!


Blogger Lizza said ... (4:22 pm) : 

Assuming that Yaxlich really did dream this dream and that he did not just make it up in his imagination, here are intepretations of some aspects of it, according to (and this is lengthy, so Yaxlich should go get a ciggy and some Nescafé):

*singers (like Sheena Easton):
To see a famous singer in your dream represents harmony and some divine influence or vibrations. It indicates glorification of the human spirit. Consider also your general impression of this singer and how those specific qualities may be triggered by someone or some situation in your waking life.

*friends (we're Yaxlich's blogfriends, so this applies):
To see your friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

*journal (a blog's like an online journal, eh?):
To see or read a journal in your dream suggests that you are trying to change or rewrite the past to suit your own needs. Consider what is written in the journal and how it is similar or dissimilar to actual events in your waking life. Alternatively, it symbolizes memories and history.

To dream that someone is reading your journal indicates that you are keeping secrets. You have difficulties telling others how you really feel.

*football (or soccer, as some parts of the world call it):
To dream that you are playing soccer suggests that you are suppressing your sexuality and/or aggression and expressing it in a more socially acceptable manner. From a Freudian perspective, sports, in general, serve as a disguise for attitudes about sex as a aggressive act. Hence soccer can be seen as a pun for "sock her". Alternatively, the game of soccer may refer to how you function and run your life when confronted with challenges. It is symbolic of your competency, integrity, strengths and weaknesses.

*bar (or pub):
To dream that you are at a bar signifies your desire to escape from the stresses of your daily life and retreat into a light-hearted environment where pleasure abounds. Alternatively, you are seeking for acceptance in some aspect of your daily life.

The sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power.

To see a dwarf in your dream suggests that you are well-grounded and connected to nature and the earth. Alternatively, a dwarf may mean an aspect of yourself that is not fully developed or has been repressed. You may be feeling inferior or insignificant.

I could not find interpretations for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Bill Gates, Helen Mirren, and sex toys.

I've heard, though, that dreaming of poo can be a good and/or bad thing. It's good if you dream of yourself being showered with poo (means you'll come into lots of money). But if you dream of yourself doing Number Two, that's bad because it means you'll be needing to shell out lots of dough.


Blogger ChrisB said ... (5:25 pm) : 

LOL very entertaining


Blogger f:lux said ... (6:34 pm) : 

Gosh. With a night life like this, who needs therapy?

P.S. there was a red herring in there somewhere, right? At a guess, George Clooney?


Anonymous guyana-gyal said ... (6:50 pm) : 

This is an excellent experiment. I hope Yaxlich eats more cheese and reports more dreams. Maybe one day he might have a very, very strange one.


Blogger Wendz said ... (7:20 pm) : 

Guess what! I'd have won the darts..I am an ace darts player and I'll challenge the lot of you anytime....

oops that was a lie....sorry...:o(

Yaxxy baby? I'd hate to know your dreams if cheese affected them. Really.


Blogger Greenmantle said ... (7:51 pm) : 

Does Yaxlich dream in the third person?


Blogger Scaryduck said ... (10:59 pm) : 

Helen Mirren with a strap-on dildo, eh?

I've had that dream as well...


Anonymous Sim said ... (11:19 pm) : 

The problems with late night cheddar.

I find wensleydale makes me dream of summer whilst brie gives a twist of erotic.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:41 pm) : 

Keith thinks that Yaxlich just made that up as he went along in order to get sympathy from all those bloggers he mentioned! Keith thinks that the truth of the matter was that Yaxlich was so pissed that he just went into a deep coma-like sleep and didn't dream at all.



Blogger Andria said ... (12:21 am) : 

Phew! That was really weird - I can't imagine Anna (littleredboat) knitting...


Blogger Terra Shield said ... (5:55 am) : 

Cheddar makes you sleep like a dead log. No dreams whatsoever :D


Blogger Milk & Two Sugars said ... (10:02 am) : 

Mammoth effort Yaxlich!


Anonymous localfreak said ... (10:55 am) : 

*is utterly jealous* Hmph. I've got too much of a tolerance to cheese to enduce dreams anymore :( it's my own fault for spending my entire childhood snacking on either a block of cheese and some picked onionr or a block of cheese and some raisins before bed.

Was it French cheese? I have no tolerance of French Cheese at all...I always dream of death if I eat it.

And some German cheese too. But mostly French.



Anonymous meredic said ... (12:24 pm) : 

Isn't it rotten.
A big anticipatory build up and then nothing of note happens at all.
Maybe you would have better luck with crackers?


Blogger JonnyB said ... (5:14 pm) : 

This has made me feel a lot better.


Blogger Ricardipus said ... (6:58 pm) : 

I agree, disappointing in the extreme, although the appearance of Sheena Easton was perhaps somewhat unexpected.

I suggest stronger cheese next time - perhaps some Gorgonzola, or Stilton, or something equally smelly. Bulgarian feta might do the trick, too.

Full of good ideas, me.


Blogger Goo said ... (9:52 pm) : 

mmm... cheese...


Anonymous HHH said ... (10:13 pm) : 

Dear Y,

Was work really that dull?



Blogger Quick said ... (11:08 pm) : 

Try eating bananas before bedtime.


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (11:11 pm) : 

John G - Yaxlich has never smoked cheese. He might try it some time.

Lizza - Of course Yaxlich dreamt this. Well, some of it. He'll let you guess the bits he created. Anyway, the dream insights were fascinating. He is, however, concerned about the football/soccer statement. He regularly dreams about playing football. Is BBG right?

Chrisb - Yaxlich is confused why Petite Anglaise is in your food blogs...

F:lux - All of it was real. Sort of. Maybe it was an amalgamation of dreams. Oh, he doesn't know...

GG - Yaxlich will also attempt to recall dreams after 10 pints of Kronenbourg. They could be just as entertaining.

Yaxlich's Mummy - Not that he drinks at all.

Wendz - Yaxlich was going to respond to your post yesterday but didn't know what to say.

Greenmantle - Yaxlich floats into a parallel universe when asleep so actually dreams in the fourth person.

Scaryduck - Welcome to the World of Yaxlich. He is a big fan, even if Mr Biffo thinks you are "the UK's leading poo-obsessed blogger", although in some way it's quite appropriate that if you're the leading poo-obsessed blogger that Yaxlich must, therefore, be number two.

Sim - It was cheap Costcutter cheese. He's not sure that they have names, just prices.

Keith - See F:lux comment above. Yaxlich is tired. He can't remember if it all came in one dream or it was bits of dreams or if the sky is blue or if he's wearing slippers.

Andria - Perhaps Anna was knitting a cover for her new colour co-ordinated bookcase.

Terra Shield - How does a live log sleep?

MTS - That statement took Yaxlich back a few years to when he first took potty training.

Localfreak - Hullo and welcome to the World of Yaxlich. Cheese is possibly the best invention in the world. Yaxlich loves cheese. Possibly more than beer but this is unlikely.

Meredic - Eating dried biscuits before bed time? That would be crackers.

JonnyB - Yaxlich hopes you feel better soon. He misses you when you don't blog. Obviously in a strictly rugby, beer, girls, cars, grrr sort of way.

Ricardipus - Welcome. Sheena is the Goddess of Goodness. She brings light into the world and makes it joyous. She dismissed the SAD from Yaxlich's life and he will be forever grateful.

Goo - Mmm...cheese indeed...

HHH - See his latest post. Health and Safety is his bag, baby.


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (11:12 pm) : 

Quick - You sneaky sneaker. You pooped up whilst he wasn't looking...


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (11:13 pm) : 

Maybe he meant to say popped up but his fingers just seemed to want to say poop.

Quel surprise.


Anonymous Ignorminious said ... (12:07 am) : 

Ignorminious wrote a most witty and amusing comment to this post which for some reason doesn't appear to have made it onto the comment page.

What a pity


Blogger Lizza said ... (2:04 am) : 

Perhaps BBG's gaydar is malfunctioning? For Yaxlich's sake, I hope so.


Blogger Mimi Lenox said ... (12:30 am) : 

And where was the Queen, may I ask?

Mims is miffed.


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (12:56 pm) : 

Iggy - Yaxlich once wrote an amusing and witty post. He thinks it was in September last year.

Lizza - BBG's gaydar is definately not functioning properly. Yaxlich is man - all man. Grrr! Cars, rugby, girls, etc.

Mimi - The Queen was busy doing meme things hence the lack of mention.


Blogger Sally Lomax said ... (7:14 pm) : 

Not strange at all!!



Blogger Yaxlich said ... (10:02 pm) : 

Yaxlich thinks he might have some cheese tonight. A combination of Kronenbourg, lunar eclipses and cheese might just give him weird dreams.


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