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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Clenchometer Back In Storage

The agoraphobic Peruvian has gone back to darkest, deepest Peru for Christmas and doesn't return until the middle of January. Yaxlich hopes that she has a very nice Christmas dinner of grilled guinea pigs and marmalade sandwiches.

In a funny way, Yaxlich will miss her as she does make Yaxlich tea sometimes and, since he isn't a very good cook, it's nice to have something that isn't (a) burnt or (b) undercooked. It is also amusing when she talks to her friends in Spanish. He always thinks of the Fast Show and waits for her to say scorchio or Buotros Buotros Gali. She never does, though.

However, for all of the reasons that he will miss her, there is one overriding and obvious reason why he won't.

For six weeks there will be no more lining the bowl with toilet paper to prevent splash back. No more intense muscle control during the physical act of dropping the kids off at the pool. No more "popping outside for a cigarette" to release a stomach cramping fart.

For six whole weeks Yaxlich can put the Clenchometer back in it's box and go back to enjoying one of his favourite leisure pursuits. The copy of Paperweight by Stephen Fry can return to it's rightful place next to the crocheted lady on top of the toilet rolls. The Uncle Bens hot chilli sauce can go back on the menu. The toilet roll can go back in the fridge.

Yaxlich suggests that his readers buy shares in Andrex.

Comments on "Clenchometer Back In Storage"


Blogger Sally Lomax said ... (2:13 pm) : 

How did the interview go?



Anonymous Ignorminious said ... (4:11 pm) : 

Roll on 6 happy weeks of relaxed bowel muscles! I'm still at uni for a few more weeks so will have to be careful with my toilet noises. The room next to the bathroom belongs to my housemate, J and I don't want to have to freak her out with unusually noisey periods of relaxation. Why oh why does she have to have two days off from uni in a row!?


Blogger Lizza said ... (4:57 pm) : 

Ahh, six weeks of pooing and farting in peace. I'm happy for Yaxlich.


Anonymous john. g. said ... (8:30 pm) : 

Yaxlich should try INSANITY sauce
that will sort you very careful !!


Anonymous HHH said ... (9:53 pm) : 

Dear Yaxlich

At first I was not sure, all this Yaxlich thinks etc. Now I have been converted.

Please carry on blogging and farting. And anything else you may care to undertake.



Anonymous Anonymous said ... (7:38 am) : 


Is professing love allowed on your blog ?

Let me know and I will reveal all.

Anon the coward.

PS: reveal all not equal to caravan rubbish's privates.

PPS: Disappointed ?

PPPS: Anon the coward is in love !!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (7:45 am) : 

PPPS: Anon also thinks Yax should contribute his PANTAID dosh to Britney Spears's crotch protection programme !


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (5:26 pm) : 

Sally - the interview went well although Yaxlich didn't feel that he gave it his best. Still, time will tell.

Ignorminious - Yaxlich feels your pain in a way that very few people ever could.

Lizza - Yaxlich wishes he could express in words just how much of a relief - literally - it is to be able to poop in peace.

John G - Yaxlich will look out for some INSANITY sauce although he isn't sure the local Costcutter stocks it. He will make enquiries and report back.

HHH - Yaxlich is glad that you have learned to love Yaxlich and his blog and will do a special blow off just for you.

Anonymous - professing love is not just allowed, it is considered mandatory. Especially if the object of love is Yaxlich himself. With regard contributing his Pant Aid collection to Britney Spears, he has just looked in the kitty and it currently contains £3.42, an old button, some blue trouser fluff and some chewing gum. He doesn't think this will be sufficient for Miss Spears so will return next doors cat.


Anonymous Ignorminious said ... (5:58 pm) : 

Ignorminious appreciates Yaxich's sympathy. Ignorminious was very happy to get home from work this evening to discover that J was absent. Much relaxation was had.


Blogger Yaxlich said ... (7:00 pm) : 

Yaxlich has learnt a technique he calls the Power Poo. Whilst painful at first, it is certainly less painful than the endless cheek clenching.


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