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Shaggy Blog Stories
: a collection of amusing tales from the UK blogosphere.

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Friday, March 30, 2007

Musical Maths

Yaxlich has just been catching up with his blog reading and he is particularly enjoying Salvadore's current series of posts about music using mathematical diagrams.

As regular readers of the World of Yaxlich will know, Yaxlich is a big fan of maths. He really likes numbers. He likes numbers in the same way that Michelle McManus likes cake. Maths was always his joint favourite lesson at school along with English. PE was fun too until some of the bigger boys started laughing at him and calling him pigeon legs.

He remembers one time at school when he was having problems with his bottom. He hadn't been able to do a number two for days and it was starting to hurt. He didn't tell his mummy that he was having problems because the last time he told her she had made him eat figs and gave him some funny chocolate that made his bottom sting so rather than tell her, he decided to sit down and work out the probability of him suffering from constipation.

He got out his maths notebook and a calculator and began working on the equation. He came up with a formula whereby the number of meals consumed was multiplied by the cumulative aggregate roughage content, subdivided by the mean average of his PPD (poo per day) quotient and this figure was then divided by the number of PFD (poo free days).

No matter how many times he attempted it, his calculator kept coming up with an error message. He couldn't understand it at all. It was a Casio and everything and all the while, the pain in his tummy was getting worse so, in the end, Yaxlich did what every mathematician would do.

He worked it out with a pencil.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It All Becomes Clear

As many of you will know, Yaxlich was out of work for a long time and he was forced to attend the vegetable soup place. He didn't enjoy this experience one little bit and he was rather frustrated that it took him so long to find a job.

Yesterday he found out the reason why.

There was an article in the London Lite newspaper entitled "Don't let your blogs cost you a new job" where it reported that employers are Googling potential job candidates to find out personal information about them. It went on to give examples of jobseekers missing out on employment because their blogs featured "dubious personal information" including details of drunken nights out, criticisms of former managers and, in one case, topless photos.

Suddenly it all became clear. Potential employers had Googled Yaxlich and discovered things on his blog which led them to ignore his application. He can't be sure exactly what they found that put them off but he has a fair inkling.

Today he is off to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see if it is legal to discriminate against someone who suffers from Betty Swollocks.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Spring has sprung and Yaxlich has discovered that he has an allergy. It's not one which he'd ever noticed he had before but it has come on strong over the last month or so.

It's not hayfever, nettle rash, salicylate sensitivity, a lactose intolerance or any of the other allergies listed on The Allergy Centre.

Ever since the beginning of this month Yaxlich has been suffering with a new allergy. One which has seriously affected his blogging and general computer use. One which means that he's always tired, rarely eats 3 proper meals a day and has only got as far as page 24 in Shaggy Blog Stories.

Yaxlich is allergic to work.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Late Night Googlies

There are so many reasons why he shouldn't blog this and, yet, so many reasons why he should which is why he is proud to present his most recent Googlie.

Pooing yourself dreams

Nothing more to see here. Move along.

Pants And Stuff

Tomorrow Yaxlich will be buying some underpants.

He would like to thank the contributors to Pant Aid for their kind donations as well as his new employers for making this moment possible. He would also like to thank Calvin Klein for inventing such snug fitting and yet ever so comfortable undergarments. The last thing he wants is a pair of underpants which remind him of Sandown pier.

P.S. His copy of Shaggy Blog Stories arrived this morning and he has been chortling heartily ever since. It's very funny.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Exciting Email

Yaxlich got an email from Lulu today. He really likes "Shout" and he'd been wondering what she was up to these days. It seems that the very clever Mike at Troubled Diva has been getting her to send out the copies of Shaggy Blog Stories because Lulu told Yaxlich that his copy has been shipped!

He is going to reply to Lulu and ask her for her autograph.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Yaxlich Is A Brass Monkey

Yaxlich has just got home from work. It's about a 15 minute walk from the tube station to his home. In that time his hands went purple and he lost the feeling in his face.

However there has been another worrying side effect which he'd like to share with you.

For his non-UK readers he will start by quoting the Wikipedia definition of brass monkey (colloquial expression):

The phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" is sometimes used by English speakers. What a brass monkey is in this phrase is not known.

For the people at Wikipedia a brass monkey is a statue of a monkey made out of brass. Yaxlich doesn't quite understand which part of brass monkey you didn't get but he hopes that now you know that you will subsequently update your excellent online resource.

Following the 15 minute walk through suburban Siberia, Yaxlich needed to visit the bathroom rather urgently. Without going into too finer detail, he is now of the impression that he may well be a brass monkey because whilst performing his standard inventory of his underpants, he noticed that he was coming up with two less items than the previous stock check.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Monday Morning

Yaxlich spent the weekend pottering around the flat trying to get used to the idea that he is now a published writer. For obvious reasons, he hasn't mentioned his blog to Mr E or the agoraphobic Peruvian so couldn't share the news with them. He hasn't told any of his friends about his blog either and his mummy disapproves of him blogging.

According to his mummy, since he started blogging, Yaxlich is "no longer the sweet, innocent little boy that I carried for nine months" but a potty mouthed, cigarette smoking, bosom oggling, beer swilling layabout who spends all of his time on the computer.

For the life of him, he can't understand what has upset her so.

So, as a result, he didn't have anyone to share the news with. He's not due back to work until tomorrow and doesn't really think that he should tell anyone there either, especially not Tootsie*, so he's sharing the news with you here. On his blog. Where he feels comfortable enough to tell you anything.

Yaxlich ordered his copy of Shaggy Blog Stories yesterday and is very much looking forward to it arriving. So far it has raised over £1600 (US $3100) for charity which he thinks is an incredible amount of money in 3 days. Pant Aid only managed £5.63, a button and some trouser lint in over nine months.

In other news, Yaxlich caught up with his backlog of comments this morning. Whilst answering them, he came across a new commenter - Mr Farty! Yaxlich thinks he'll be right at home here.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Red Nose Day

Shaggy Blog Stories - A collection of 100 funny posts from UK bloggers raising money for Comic relief
100 bloggers have published a book to raise funds of the BBC's Comic Relief appeal on Friday 16th March.

'Shaggy Blog Stories' features hilarious contributions from Richard Herring of 'Fist of Fun' fame, BBC 6Music presenter Andrew Collins, comedian Emma Kennedy, and James Henry, scriptwriter from Channel Four's 'The Green Wing'.

Authors Abby Lee, David Belbin, Catherine Sanderson and The Guardian's Anna Pickard have also contributed pieces to the book.

The vast majority of contributions, however, are the work of many of the lesser known and unfamiliar heroes of British blogging; going under pen names such as Diamond Geezer, Scaryduck, Pandemian and Unreliable Witness.

Also contributing to 'Shaggy Blog Stories', and hoping to raise funds for the Comic Relief Appeal is a certain Yaxlich Blogspot.

The book is the idea of blogger Mike Atkinson who writes the 'Troubled Diva' weblog. 'Shaggy Blog Stories' features comic writing from not only the cream of British blogging, but also the best up-and-coming and undiscovered writers publishing their work on their own websites.

Giving himself a "ridiculously short" seven days from idea to finished product, Atkinson admitted that he was overwhelmed with the response, which gleaned over 300 submissions for publication.

With a pool of talented writers, and the latest publishing-on-demand technology, Shaggy Blog Stories bypasses the usual snail-paced publishing industry, and offers a mail order service to customers who will receive their finished copy within days of placing their order, and only a couple of weeks after the original idea.

"Blogging creates complex, worldwide networks of friendship and contacts on the internet", says journalist Alistair Coleman, one of Shaggy Blog Stories' contributors. "By creating a buzz about this book, we can reach out to hundreds, thousands of readers who'd be willing to part with a few quid for this very good cause. Mike's got some excellent writers on board here whose work deserves a wider audience. Everybody wins."

For details of how to order the book, visit

For the background story on the creation of Shaggy Blog Stories, take a look at

Thursday, March 15, 2007

New Job

There seems to be something of a drinking culture at Yaxlichs new workplace. This will explain the lack of postings this week. He's not going to go into great detail but, sufficed to say, he's learnt a lot about some of his new work colleagues this week and they, in turn, have learnt a lot about him.

Yaxlich will get round to replying to everyones comments later on today but he's got to go back to the pub work now. He hasn't told any of his work colleagues that he writes a blog, though. That would be just plain silly.

P.S. Ironically the Word Verification for this post was: sozzfpl

Monday, March 12, 2007

Mrs Man

Reasons Yaxlich likes his new job:

  1. He doesn't have to see the vegetable soup people any more

  2. He can do Number Two's at work so no more Clenchometer

  3. He gets to meet lots of new people

  4. He has money to buy underpants and books

  5. He can now be employed by any company in the world as a health and safety expert

There are lots of different people at his new workplace and they all seem to be nice although he has found that since his induction training that he can't help but notice the reckless way some of them use a hole punch but that's another story.

Today he met a nice person. They were very friendly to him in the lift (or elevator if you're reading this in an American accent) and they wished him well in his new career. Yaxlich couldn't help noticing, however, that despite the floral blouse and sensible skirt that his new friend had a remarkably pronounced Adams apple.

Yaxlich mentioned this to his supervisor who casually remarked that this was Tootsie* and that he was a man who is waiting to have an operation on the NHS. Yaxlich was puzzled by this. He had an operation once and all he got to wear was a back to front dressing gown which meant everyone could see his bottom. When he recounted this story to his supervisor, he was told that this particular operation involved the removal of Tootsie's dangly toilet parts.

Yaxlich is glad that he went private.

* Not his/her real name but Yaxlich doesn't want to get in trouble with his new employers.

Shaggy Blog Stories

Many readers will already know about Shaggy Blog Stories. If you don't then you need to go over to read all about it here - Shaggy Blog Stories: a collaborative blog-stunt for Comic Relief.

For those too lazy to click on the link, Mike at Troubled Diva is looking to collate a book of blog posts by British writers and use it to raise money for Comic Relief. The deadline for submissions is Tuesday 18:00 GMT and the book will be published on Friday.

Yaxlich submitted the Can't Sleep post, just so's you know.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Funny Posts

Every now and again Yaxlich writes something which people say is funny. He doesn't mean it to be but sometimes it just comes out that way.

Someone recently asked him for the funniest post he has written but he couldn't really think of one so he thought he'd ask you.

Which post do you think is his funniest? Is it one of the ones under 'Plethora of Piffle'? Is it the one he posted on Is there another one which has made you laugh?

Yaxlich would like to know which of his posts has particularly tickled your giggle glands.

Downhill Doggy - The Video

Yaxlich would like to thank ttnacm for sending the YouTube video in response to the Downhill Doggy post. Rather than it hide away in the comments box, Yaxlich felt that the entire world* needed to see it.

If the video doesn't work, you can view it on YouTube by clicking this link.

* or at least both of his readers.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Downhill Doggy

Yaxlich has just got back from the shops. He went in to buy some bread, some beers and a packet of cigarettes. He thought you might like to know.

On the way back from the shops he passes a park. When he says park, it's not like Regents Park or anything big like that. It's a grassed area with a bench next to a main road so it's not really a park but park is much easier to type than grassed area with a bench next to a main road.

On his journey back today, Yaxlich saw a dog having a poo in the park. The dogs owner had obviously come prepared for this moment because she scooped up the poo with a Sainsburys plastic bag whilst the dog wiped it's bottom by shuffling across the grass, propelling itself using only it's front legs whilst its back legs were pushed up to its chest*.

This always makes Yaxlich laugh because whenever he sees a dog wiping its bottom in this style he hums the theme tune to Ski Sunday because they look like downhill skiers.

* - Yaxlich tried to find a picture of the action to describe it better but after half an hour of looking on Google, he not only couldn't find a picture but he also felt physically sick. As a word of warning, he would suggest that should any of his readers ever feel the need to type in multiple variants of "dog wiping shit encrusted arse" that they should ensure that the Safe Search option is enabled.

** - Yaxlich would like to thank ttnacm for braving Google for long enough to find the above picture.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Moon Update #4+1

Just in case anyone was worried, Moon Update #4 didn't happen. The day went like this instead:

Work Colleague: So what did you get up to at the weekend, Yaxlich?
Yaxlich: Stayed in, drank beer, wa....
Work Colleague (thwapping Yaxlich with stapler): Whatever. Here are this weeks H&S manuals.

So there you have it. Yaxlich is officially some kind of health and safety person. He doesn't have the first clue about either but that's how it works out.

Actually that's not strictly true. He does understand both health and safety but combining the two? This makes things twice as bad.

Health has 1118 words in it's Wikipedia definition and Safety has 1023 words so, by putting the two together, that's 2141 words.

Yaxlich is good at maths.

Loopy Britney

According to A Welsh View, Yaxlich's former crush has gone a bit funny in the head.

Yaxlich hopes he didn't cause it in any way.

George Michael

Yaxlich sees that George Michael is to play the first concert at the new Wembley Stadium.

He thinks this is an unusual choice of act. He also wonders whether or not they'll lay on extra toilets.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Moon Update #7

Yaxlich is disappointed. Not a lot really happened. He was expecting the man on the moon to do lots of funny things but he didn't. He shimmered for a bit. He got embarrassed for a bit but, apart from that, he didn't do much else.

Oh well. At least Yaxlich can cross off Watch Lunar Eclipse And Blog About It on his list of things to do before he dies.

Next stop: Watching Paint Dry.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Moon Update #6

At the moment the moon appears to be slightly embarrassed. It has a slightly reddish look but, apart from that, everything appears to be normal. Yaxlich will wait until something happens before updating again.

In the meanwhile Mr E has come in from his night out. The AP is away this weekend on, what Yaxlich assumes to be, an Agoraphobics Anonymous team building weekend so Mr E has been on a "big night out". He got home at 11pm. Sober.

Yaxlich, on the other hand, is getting quietly sozzled whilst watching the moon change colour.

If Blogger provided a polling option, he would like to offer a poll:

Who is the saddest?

A) Yaxlich for staying in on a Saturday night, drinking beer, watching the moon change colour and blogging about it
B) Mr E for going on a "big night out", driving so staying sober and being home by 11pm

Fortunately Blogger doesn't have this option so he can't.

Moon Update #5

Exciting news here at Bath Mat Watch Moon Watch. It's nearly gone and it's bottom is starting to turn red.

Sadly Yaxlich knows exactly how it feels.

Moon Update #4

The moon now looks like an upside down croissant. This has made him think about his blogging friends in France - Petite Anglaise (even though she's in Morrocco at the moment), Wendz (even though her boobs are turning into melons), CJ (even though she has got problems with her foot) and Greenmantle (even though he might not be in France for much longer).

Watching lunar eclipses is fun. He's looking forward to telling all of his new work colleagues about it on Monday.

Work Colleague - So what did you get up to at the weekend, Yaxlich?
Yaxlich - Stayed in, drank beer, watched the lunar eclipse and blogged about it.
Work Colleague - Hmmm. (reaches into drawer) Have you read this health and safety manual yet?
Yaxlich (distracted) - No. Is this the new one covering the correct procedure for carrying coffee through the workplace?
Work Colleague (whispering into phone) - Security? Get to floor 3 NOW! We've got a nutter. Repeat. We have a nutter!

Moon Update #3

Yaxlich went to get a beer, have a tinkle and then returned to the window to look at the moon again.

The goatee is now a proper full-on beard. Yaxlich tried to grow a beard last year and it took him weeks. The man in the moon has grown one in a matter of minutes.

Yaxlich is very impressed.

Moon Update #2

Still there but it looks like the man on the moon has got a little goatee beard.

Yaxlich is going to get another beer.

Moon Update #1

Still there.

Total Eclipse

Tonight there is going to be something called a total eclipse. Yaxlich doesn't really know what this means but a lot of people are getting very excited about it. Most of them are wearing anoraks.

Anyway, Yaxlich is going to try to get excited about it too. He doesn't have much else to do tonight so he's going to look at the moon, take some pictures and hum Bonnie Tyler songs.