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: a collection of amusing tales from the UK blogosphere.

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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Funny Cartoon

The original, not squeezed to fit into Yaxlichs blog, cartoon can be found on the Wondermark site.

Yaxlich would like to thank Rob from Eine Kleine Nichtmusik for bringing this to his attention.


Yaxlich went into London earlier today to see some people about possible work in the future. He finds travelling into London quite fun because he gets to see lots of different people than he usually does. Not many people do their Christmas shopping in Yaxlichs flat.

The people watching opportunities in a big city like London are endless. He never knows where to look next. There are just so many different shapes and sizes of people. He never stares, though, because that would be rude.

Well, apart from today.

Today he saw a lot of girls with big bosoms. When he says big, he means big.

There was one girl who looked like she'd shoplifted a couple of footballs from World of Sport and was running down Regent Street oblivious to the fact that she could have knocked someone out with her jiggly breasticles. Another one appeared to have Verne Troyer and his twin brother stuffed down her top.

He doesn't recall ever seeing so many large breasted ladies in such a short period of time. Not since his video player chewed up the tape.

He assumes they were all out doing their Christmas shopping and wonders where they all go for the rest of the year. Is there a place in London where all the girls with humungous hooters hibernate for most of the year before hitting Oxford Street in their Rigby and Peller steel reinforced bras? A community of fantastic funbags which is shut off from the rest of the world and you can only enter if you're taller lying down than standing up?

If so, can someone tell Yaxlich where it is?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Clenchometer Back In Storage

The agoraphobic Peruvian has gone back to darkest, deepest Peru for Christmas and doesn't return until the middle of January. Yaxlich hopes that she has a very nice Christmas dinner of grilled guinea pigs and marmalade sandwiches.

In a funny way, Yaxlich will miss her as she does make Yaxlich tea sometimes and, since he isn't a very good cook, it's nice to have something that isn't (a) burnt or (b) undercooked. It is also amusing when she talks to her friends in Spanish. He always thinks of the Fast Show and waits for her to say scorchio or Buotros Buotros Gali. She never does, though.

However, for all of the reasons that he will miss her, there is one overriding and obvious reason why he won't.

For six weeks there will be no more lining the bowl with toilet paper to prevent splash back. No more intense muscle control during the physical act of dropping the kids off at the pool. No more "popping outside for a cigarette" to release a stomach cramping fart.

For six whole weeks Yaxlich can put the Clenchometer back in it's box and go back to enjoying one of his favourite leisure pursuits. The copy of Paperweight by Stephen Fry can return to it's rightful place next to the crocheted lady on top of the toilet rolls. The Uncle Bens hot chilli sauce can go back on the menu. The toilet roll can go back in the fridge.

Yaxlich suggests that his readers buy shares in Andrex.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Poo Bum Fart Willy

It is nearly 3am and Yaxlich can't sleep. He is not happy about this.

He thinks it's because he watched the Ashes for a couple of nights and his sleep pattern is interrupted.

Whatever it is, he is not amused.

He has got an interview for a job tomorrow morning and, at this rate, he is going to turn up with bags under the bags under his eyes.

Britney Spears Badly Wrapped Kebab

Yaxlich has discovered that his former crush, Britney Spears, has been photographed showing off her lady bits. He is very disappointed to hear this. He used to believe that she was a wholesome, church going member of the Mickey Mouse club. He has since discovered that she is caravan rubbish.

He was first alerted to this via A Welsh View and has subsequently seen it on various websites around the world. He is a little bit confused, though.

Why would people want to see pictures of Britney Spears' badly wrapped kebab?

Regardless of her takeaway habits, Yaxlich is now officially denouncing Britney Spears. She no longer has a place in his heart.

Lisa Simpson is the only woman for him.

Alan "Fluff" Freeman - RIP

Yaxlich is sad. He has just read that one of the voices of his childhood, Alan "Fluff" Freeman, has died aged 79.

His Pick of the Pops programme theme tune was always something that reminded Yaxlich of his childhood. Yaxlichs thoughts are with the Freeman family.

In recognition of the great man, Yaxlich is now going to listen to Bachman Turner Overdrive "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet"

Not 'arf.

Guess The Song

Yaxlich is listening to his iTunes again tonight. See if you can guess the song he's listening to.

No Google!

So in the night I stand beneath the back street light
I read the words that you sent to me
I can take the afternoon, the night-time comes around too soon
You can't know what you mean to me

Monday, November 27, 2006

Word Verification

Yaxlich is feeling a little Mondayne today. As far as he can see nothing is happening in the world. He thinks today should be cancelled due to lack of interest.

As this is highly unlikely, he thought he would resurrect Challenge Yaxlich for this particularly Mondayne Monday.

The game is very simple. Let Yaxlich know what your Word Verification was when you leave a comment and he'll let you know the definition.

If he can be bothered. He's feeling a bit Mondayne, you see.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


Yaxlich was very honoured when Anna from asked him to write a guest post on her very funny blog. It is one of his most favouritest blogs ever.

Anna sent through a list of questions and said that Yaxlich could answer some or all of them. It was a very big list and, to begin with, he didn't know what to do. He sat and looked at the list for a long time before coming to the decision that he would be brave and blog about something that he has never blogged about.


You can read his guest post by clicking here.

In other related news, Yaxlich has discovered that he is a very respectable 2nd out of 485,000 in Google for the search phrase "Who owns the world record for the loudest fart?"

Friday, November 24, 2006

Important Question

Everly BrothersYaxlich is listening to iTunes whilst he's slowly making his way around the blogosphere in his rather sleepy, slightly hallucinatory state and the song "Mr Tambourine Man" by the Byrds has just started playing.

As soon as the chorus began, Yaxlich joined in the harmony. It made him think. He nearly always sings along to the harmony rather than the main tune.

He has an eclectic taste in music so it's not always easy to find a harmony (Motorhead) whereas other times it's very easy (Everly Brothers). Regardless, he always finds himself singing/humming/warbling to the harmony.

What does this mean? He knows that some clever people read his blog. Maybe they can explain.

Ready Freddie No

Yaxlich stayed up until 7.30am watching the cricket. He wishes he hadn't bothered now. He is very tired and sorry for not blogging today but his hands are very sleepy too.

Yaxlich drank too much coffee last night trying to stay awake. The excess caffeine has made his farts smell funny and he's got the shakes.

He doesn't think he'll bother watching the Ashes tonight because England are poo. Instead he thinks he'll wear his handy cut-out-and-keep Freddie Flintoff mask from the BBC and go out and scare some children.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Funny Bone Tickled

Yaxlich has just been reading a funny blog. He particularly liked the song prequels and sequels posts although the Top Trumps Deities did make him snort too.

He will be regularly checking back to see the progress of the bathmat.

Thanksgiving Day

Today is something called Thanksgiving Day in America. Yaxlich doesn't know what the American people are being thankful for. He thinks it might be something to do with when they first got the Internet.

Since Yaxlich started blogging, he has learned a lot about America and American people. He even gets some of them coming to visit him on his blog. He knows they're American because they spell their words funny.

Yaxlich would like to go to America one day. He used to want to go to America so that he could meet Britney Spears but he doesn't like her anymore because she's gone all weird. The Americans call her "trailer trash" which translates into English as caravan rubbish. He doesn't know what it means but he thinks it might be American for chav.

From looking around the Internet and watching old episodes of Friends, Yaxlich has worked out that Americans spend Thanksgiving Day eating a lot of food. Yaxlich wonders how this differs from normal.

Yaxlich would like to wish his American readers a happy Thanksgiving Day and he hopes that none of you get the turkey stuck on your head like Joey did.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Plethora Of Piffle

Yaxlich has just added a new bit to his blog. It's ten posts from the archives which he think will help people understand a little bit more about the World of Yaxlich.

We would like to ask people who read his blog if they agree with the ten posts or if there are any others they think would be good to have. He wants to keep it to ten so if you think of a new one you need to tell him which one to get rid of.

Smelly People

Yaxlich has just returned from the vegetable soup place. He always feels a bit depressed when he has to go there. In some ways it's OK because he gets to see all sorts of different people and he gets to meet people like Mrs Eyebrows. In other ways, though, it is depressing because most of the people there are not very nice.

Today there was a man that made Yaxlich wish that his nose would stop working. He can only assume that the man has decided to spend his benefit money on beer and cigarettes rather than soap. In fairness that's what Yaxlich spends his benefit money on too but at least he has a wash on a regular basis.

Whenever Yaxlich moved away, Stinky Man seemed to follow him or at least his aroma did. Even now, back in the comfort of his own bedroom, Yaxlich can almost smell Stinky Man. It's as if his smell has somehow permeated into his clothes.

Yaxlich doesn't have to go back to the vegetable soup place for another two weeks. He thinks that he might take a bar of soap with him next time and give it to Stinky Man as an early Christmas present. He might also print out some instructions on how to use it too.

Yaxlich is now off to put his clothes in the washing machine and hope he doesn't break it again.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Cold Hands

Today is very cold where Yaxlich lives. It is cold, dark and rainy. Yaxlichs fingers are numb and he is considering putting socks on his hands. He would put the central heating on but he's afraid Mr E will tell him off.

The agoraphobic Peruvian is off work again this week so is staying at the flat. Quel surprise. He is surprised that she isn't cold because it's very hot in Peru.

Yaxlich is beginning to wonder if she really is Peruvian.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Red Tape

Yaxlich has just been chuckling quietly to himself as he read about a new book called "How to Label a Goat" which will be available in all good bookstores for Christmas.

The book by Ross Clark gives examples as to how Britain is becoming a country strangled by red tape. Here are some real examples:

:: Soldiers learning the bagpipes have been banned from playing for more than 24 minutes a day to protect their ears.

:: A Cardiff pensioner was stopped from getting on a bus because he was carrying a tin of paint, breaking health and safety rules. The bus company later apologised and said it would be more flexible.

:: Bristol City Council spent 5,000 pounds on 100 yew trees, only to dig them up after a "risk assessment" ruled they could harm children at a nearby playground if they ate the leaves.

:: Norwich City Council ordered 20 roadside horse chestnut trees to be felled because falling conkers could damage cars, make the pavement slippery and lead to children being run over as they collected conkers.

Yaxlich hopes that Father Christmas delivers a copy of "How to Label a Goat" this year. He has been a very good boy.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Big Night Out

Mr E and the agoraphobic Peruvian left the flat at 4pm today saying that they were going for "a big night out".

Yaxlich remembers those. Nights where you go out, drink and dance until the wee small hours, go back to someones house for an after party, get back home at 2pm the next day with hazy recollections of the night before, UBIs on your arms, kebabs on your shoes and a couple of napkins with phone numbers written in eyeliner.

It's 10.30pm and they've just gone to bed.

Whatever happened to the impetuousness of youth?

Friday, November 17, 2006


Yaxlich would like to say hello to all the people who are visiting his blog from petiteanglaise. He would like to point out that you are probably used to more sophisticated blog posts. Petite posts about important things and does it in an eloquant and educated style. Petite writes about the upheaval of being sacked for blogging, about French culture and about the trials and tribulations of being a single parent.

Yaxlich posts about poo, farts and winkies.

He hopes you weren't expecting anything clever.

More Googlies

According to SiteMeter these are some Google search phrases that people found Yaxlich with.
He hopes they weren't disappointed.

fear of urinating in front of people
burp phobia

love stories in third person

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Yaxlich has got iTunes running in the background. The song that is playing at the moment is "Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO. It was the first record he ever purchased. It brings back a lot of memories.

He remembers the excitement of rushing off to the local Woolworths every Friday with his pocket money in his hand and spending hours browsing through all of the records in the bargain bucket. He couldn't afford to buy new records - records that were in the Hit Parade as it was known then - but there was still a fantastic selection of old vinyl 45's to be had for a young Yaxlich who was just starting to love music as much as he loved his books.

He can't remember why Don't Bring Me Down was his first purchase. Maybe it was because it was 1979 and most of ELOs covers featured a really cool spaceship and, like every young boy at the time, Yaxlich was obsessed with Star Wars. Whatever the reason, Yaxlich has remained an ELO fan to this day and still loves listening to old ELO albums.

He would like to know what the first record his readers purchased and why.


Yaxlich didn't blog yesterday but you already knew that.

He wasn't sick or anything. He didn't have anything else to do which prevented him from blogging. He just didn't blog.

So now you know.

Blogger Beta

Blogger are trying to trick Yaxlich into changing his blog. Whenever he logs in to Blogger, it keeps telling him "Change to Blogger Beta, Yaxlich. You'll love it" but he doesn't know if he wants to.

Yaxlich doesn't like change.

Has anyone else moved to Blogger Beta?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Washing Machine

Yaxlich's family have always been very practical when it comes to buying him presents. One Christmas his sister gave him a waste bin for the kitchen because she noticed that he didn't have one. Another time his mummy got him some carpet slippers because he was walking around his flat in just his socks. The fact that Yaxlich had not worn carpet slippers since he left home in 1993 seemed to escape her.

This year his mummy got him a new duvet set having noticed that Yaxlich had been sleeping under a duvet without a cover when she came to visit him a few months ago.

Yaxlich put his new duvet set into the washing machine earlier so that it would smell nice when he put it onto his smelly duvet. This was about 11am this morning. He has just checked on the washing machine for about the fifth time. Currently it seems to be stuck in mid cycle with lots of water still inside it.

He thinks it is probably broken.

Can anyone recommend a plumber?

Monday, November 13, 2006


This is Yaxlich's 200th post. In the same way that he marked his 100th post, he thought he would summarise what has happened over the last few months.

He blogged about a dog with a big winky, he won Bestest Blog of the Day, he heard the loudest fart in history, a girl with large bosoms thought he was gay and then made him blush in the street.

He was horrified to hear that the makers of Marmite have changed the recipe, he discovered a company that makes paper out of sheep poo and that there is a place in Ethiopia called Shit. He learnt that Peruvians don't understand Fawlty Towers and found out their favourite holiday destination.

One of his bestest discoveries on the Internet was the purpose of daddy longlegs although finding out that you can cure hiccups by sticking your finger up your bum came a close second. Apparently fireworks aren't quite so effective.

His obsession with Google helped him discover that he was Number One for the search phrases a fishes arse and fingernail gunk and that he is the 4th most irritating thing in the UK. Nescafe is inexplicably Number One for the search phrase Yaxlich.

He talked about his favourite books and his favourite movies. He was cool for a day, he was mental for longer and finally managed to write a blog post using one of his favourite words.

He realised that blogging whilst under the influence is not always a good idea. Nor is going to a deserted log cabin next to a lake on Friday 13th but even that is better than spending a night in on Halloween. He suspected that he was being teased from beyond the grave.

He changed the layout of his blog. He made up a new word, discussed his short attention span, rode on a bus with a man he doesn't know what to call, discovered he doesn't own an umbrella and admitted that he is often SAD. He met a lady with unusual eyebrows and talked about bogies. His blog was taken over by the People's Front of Judea and he tried to save the planet. He observed that women have a genetic disorder.

Finally, in this random mishmash of information written because he's too lazy to write a proper post today, he got one year older.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Law Of Attraction

Yaxlich read about the Law of Attraction on Richards blog. As far as he can see it involves thinking about things a lot so that they happen. If you believe something will happen, it will.

All day Yaxlich has been thinking about what he'll do when he wins tonights EuroMillions jackpot of £100 million ($191 million). He has already planned his luxury apartment overlooking the Thames. He has picked out which Ferrari he will drive. He knows which one of the FHM Babes he is going to play hide the sausage with.

He has thought about it enough so, according to the Law of Attraction, it will happen.

He just wishes that when he was thinking about all this that he would have set aside enough time to think about the EuroMillion network not melting and, therefore, making it impossible for him to buy a ticket from his local (and only one open at 7pm) newsagent.

That Must Have Fawking Hurt

Yaxlich has just found a story on Yahoo! News about a 22 year old man from Sunderland (which is in the north east of England where it's very cold and all the women have beards) who suffered internal injuries on Guy Fawkes Night after a firework he'd stuck up his bum went off.

According to the Yahoo! article, the man suffered "burns and other unspecified internal injuries in the incident". Yaxlich suggests that one of the "unspecified internal injuries" was more than likely to be a rocket cone wedged deeply in the mans lower bowel.

On the bright side, the man needn't worry about toilet phobia as the chances are that his ravaged ringpiece is incapable of preventing involuntary number two action anymore.

Toilet Phobia

According to the National Phobics Society 4 million Britons suffer from toilet phobia. Apparently some people refuse to leave their house as a result of their phobia. They develop such an intense obsession that they become housebound and may refuse life saving medical examinations. They won't take a job if a toilet is located in such a position that people may see them trotting off with a copy of The Sun under their arm to do a big poo.

Nicky Lidbetter, a spokesperson for the National Phobics Society,says "No matter how funny we might find it, it's certainly no laughing matter". This is clearly not the case as Yaxlich wet himself laughing when he read this. Although that might, in some way, suggest that he suffers from toilet phobia too.

The BBC article goes on to suggest that several conditions may be behind toilet phobia.
  • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) linked to a fear of contamination
  • Agoraphobia - an anxiety disorder commonly - and wrongly - linked to fear of open spaces, but which the National Phobics Society says is often manifest as a fear of feeling trapped, and a need to escape
  • Paruresis ('shy bladder' syndrome) - the fear of urinating in the company of others
  • Parcopresis ('bashful bowel' syndrome) - the inability to defecate in public toilets

All of a sudden the whole incident with the agoraphobic Peruvian becomes clear.

She has got toilet phobia.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The World Is Going Mad

Yaxlich has just read an article on the BBC website where a Christian lobby group suggests that people only wear a red poppy to be politically correct and that wearing one is 'less Christian' because it "suggests the idea that our soldiers died for freedom but that's not a value-free position".

Yaxlich wears a red poppy not because it's politically correct. Not because it is less Christian. Not because it is glorifying war.

He wears one out of respect and in memory of the thousands of men and women who have died so that he CAN wear one.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Google Funny Business

In between garlic burps, Yaxlich had a look at his Site Meter statistics. He saw that someone visited his blog by typing Yaxlich into Google. This seems like a fairly acceptable way of finding his blog, he thought.

When he followed the link, though, his gast was flabbered when he noticed:

1) There are 25,800 results for the search phrase Yaxlich. When he started his blog there were precisely zero results. Where did they all come from?
2) Nescafe is Number One in the search results!

Yaxlich has put a picture of a jar of Nescafe on his blog but, as far as he can see, Nescafe haven't reciprocated so how come they're Number One?

Cheer Up Anna

Yaxlich's friend Anna over at is feeling SAD.

Readers of Yaxlich's blog will know that he feels SAD sometimes too. He liked it when his friends said nice things to him when he told them.

He thinks Anna would like it too.


Yaxlich had pizza tonight with garlic bread. It was on special offer at the local Costcutter so he picked it up on his way home from the vegetable soup place where he saw Mrs Eyebrows again. She obviously didn't have a job after all.

He finished eating about an hour ago but is still burping very garlicy burps. They won't stop. Every minute or so he does a big, smelly garlic burp.

He does hope that Britney Spears doesn't come round tonight now that she's divorcing her husband. That would be just Yaxlich's luck.

The Yaxlich Technical Helpline

After suggesting that everyone taking part in the BlogBlast Day should add a Technorati tag to their post, Yaxlich received emails asking him how to do it. Here's how.

Open up Blogger to write or edit an existing post.

Type the phrase : Dona Nobis Pacem

Highlight the phrase and then turn it into a hyperlink by clicking on the globe with the link.

The URL you want to point to is : rel="Tag"

Copy the URL above and paste it into the section on the pop up box.

Your finished link should look like this: Dona Nobis Pacem

You can check your HTML code using Blogger very easily by clicking on the 'Edit Html' tab when you are editing your post. Make sure the link is formatted like this*:

< href="" rel="tag">Dona Nobis Pacem< /a >

Thank you for your call to the Yaxlich technical helpline. May we remind you that the £1.50 per minute you have been charged for this call will be included in your next phone bill.

Yaxlich bets you wish you'd read it quicker now.

* Yaxlich added spaced around the HTML tags for formatting so don't copy and paste the line of code as it won't work

Coming Soon

To celebrate Yaxlich being at Number One in Google for the search phrase Beefy McManstick, he is pleased to announce the introduction of a new feature on his blog.

The (occasional) Adventures of Beefy McManstick

Coming soon!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Dona Nobis Pacem

November 7 2006 is the first BlogBlast For Peace day. Dona Nobis Pacem is Latin (a language a lot of dead people used to speak) for Grant Us Peace.

The idea for Dona Nobis Pacem came from Mimi Lenox in America, where they also have the internet. Mimi is a regular reader of Yaxlich's blog and he thinks that her idea to set aside one day to post a single message of peace across the internet is a brilliant one.

Yaxlich hasn't become a tree hugging hippy overnight. He doesn't think that war and conflict will stop just because he has posted a picture of the world on his blog with some Latin words. He's not going to grow dreadlocks, stop washing, start eating Quorn, call himself Swampy and live in a tent next to the A34. What he does hope, though, is that it will make people stop and think.

In four days time it is Armistice Day. Eighty eight years ago, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, the guns stopped firing in the fields of Europe. They said it was the war to end all wars.

It wasn't.

Yaxlich may be a little slow and a bit naive but even he knows that a few hundred people posting the same message across the internet isn't going to stop war and conflict. What it might do, though, is make people stop and think. That's all he asks.

Maybe next year a few hundred will become a few thousand. Maybe the year after it will be tens of thousands. Maybe the year after a million. Who knows?

Yaxlich has added a Technorati tag to his post. By adding a tag it makes his post more visible to the readers of the 55 million blogs listed on Technorati. If everyone taking part in BlogBlast For Peace added the same tag, it would make it's way onto the front page of Technorati. To get the HTML code, visit this page and click "Add this tag to your posts".

Technorati Tag:

Monday, November 06, 2006

Tea By The Sea

Yaxlich had a nice time on the Isle of Wight at the weekend despite the lack of cake. It was very nice weather and he was able to sit down by the sea and watch the world go by. He likes people watching.

One of the people he saw over the weekend was a young boy of about 14. He was wearing a pair of jeans with the crotch round his knees. He looked very funny as he was walking. Like he'd done a big job in his pants.

Yaxlich wonders when it became fashionable to wear jeans around your knees so that you're displaying your underpants to the world. He's assuming it was after his Uncle Fred got arrested.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


No chocolate cake.

Friday, November 03, 2006


Yesterday was the anniversary of the day Yaxlich entered the world via his mummys front bottom. Most people call this a birthday.

It wasn't a particularly significant birthday. The number of candles on his cake were more than could be counted using a combination of toes and fingers but weren't sufficient to have the fire brigade on standby. Not that Yaxlich had a cake.

Yaxlich doesn't like being 37. He thinks that 37 isn't a good age to be because it was the first birthday he can remember where he hasn't had birthday cake and regular readers* will know that Yaxlich likes cake. He really likes chocolate cake and he usually gets a chocolate cake on his birthday but this year there was no cake, chocolate or otherwise.

His sister invited him round for a birthday dinner which she insisted on referring to as a birthday tea which made Yaxlich feel like he was 5 again. A birthday tea suggests jam sandwiches cut up into triangles. Bowls and bowls of cheesy wotsits, twiglets and salt and vinegar crisps. Jelly and ice cream. Balloons. Birthday cake.

Yaxlich had chicken curry. It was a very nice chicken curry and it was nice to see his sister and her family but no matter how much he likes chicken curry, it's not chocolate cake. You can't put candles in chicken curry. You can't cut it up into small pieces and take it home with you in a paper napkin.

Being 37 just doesn't seem to be much fun. However, he hopes that all this will change. This afternoon he is going to go on a ferry which he is very excited about. He's going to visit his parents on the Isle of Wight. He likes the Isle of Wight. The old shops, the smell of the sea, the squawk of the seagulls, the ancient ruins, the unspoilt countryside, the rustle of incontinence pants.

He hopes that his mummy has made him a cake. He's sure she will have done because Yaxlich is mummys brave little soldier.

* - when Yaxlich refers to readers being regular he is referring to the amount of times they visit his blog rather than the amount of fibre in their diet and their subsequent bowel movements although he does hope that his readers are not constipated. If they are, can he suggest some of his sisters chicken curry? That should do the job.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Number One

Yaxlich is number one in Google! He is so pleased. He could almost do a little widdle in his pants.

There are 15,500 other websites that are fighting to be number one in this particular category in Google but they'll never beat him. Not only is he number one but his entry in Technorati (where he is, incidentally ranked 92,646) is number 3 as well which means he has double bubble.

The search term in question? Well it's kind of irrelevant but, he supposes, if you need to know....

Fingernail gunk

And he is only number one if you search Google Canada but that's beside the point.

He's number one.

Post 185

There's nothing to see here. Move along.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Sandwich Bag Ties

When you go to the supermarket and buy sandwich bags you always end up with more sandwich bag ties than sandwich bags. Yaxlich doesn't know why this is but it is something of a given.

You buy 40 x sandwich bags
You get 80 x sandwich bag ties

Presumably this double tie to bag ratio means something in the larger scale of things but, at the moment, Yaxlich cannot quite work out what it is.

Anyway, that is not really the point he's trying to make here.

Earlier on today his wireless network was playing up. He couldn't connect to the Internet at any sort of acceptable speed. He tried to move the modem to somewhere that would allow direct access but nothing seemed to work. In desperation he turned to his Box.

The Box contains all sorts of cables and gubbins. It is basically a collection of computery type things that he has collected over the years. Old dial up modems. RJ45 leads. Small Chinese people. PCMCIA cards and adapters. Network connectors. Left handed PS2 controllers. All sorts of stuff that, one day, might prove useful.

He was looking for a 5 metre network cable so that he could hardwire straight into the modem/router. This would mean that the flaky wireless adapter thingy would become almost as redundant as him and he could plug his 'puter straight into the network.

Picture his horror when he opened the Box and found every imaginable combination of cable knotiness known to man. Despite having been very careful when he last used the Box, every single cable seemed to have found itself intertwined with another. It was almost impossible to find one end from the other.

This happens to Yaxlich a lot. He could literally put a single cable into a box and within five minutes it would find itself more wrapped up in itself than Paris Hilton.

Yaxlich has a theory about this. His grandad died when he was just seven (that's Yaxlich, not his grandad) and he doesn't really remember much about him apart from his sense of fun, mischief, smell of pipe tobacco and an undying love for Yaxlich.

Apparently his grandad also liked to play practical jokes. Yaxlich thinks that this cable knotting thing is his grandad letting him know that he's looking over him and letting him know that he's still around.

Yaxlich would like to thank his grandad for this permanent reminder of his celestial presence but he would like to take this opportunity to ask him where all the spare sandwich bag ties have gone?

After having found that his 5 metre network cable had somehow disappeared, Yaxlich chose to seperate all of these cables and the tag them up using surplus sandwich bag ties. This would make his next visit to the Box somewhat easier. However, despite having a roll of 40-something unused sandwich bags, he had no sandwich bag ties. Where have they all gone??

Yaxlich did his best to roll the cables up properly so as to avoid any kind of computer cable nonsense but he knows that the next time he opens the Box they will be doing something akin to a Roman worm orgy.

Grandad. You've had you're fun. Now either stop playing silly buggers with Yaxlich or show him where you've hidden the sandwich bag ties!

More Eyebrow Stuff

Yaxlich has just looked at himself in the mirror. He tries not to make a habit of it. However he happened to notice himself as he walked past it after doing a number one. Fortunately all of this occurred in the bathroom.

His left eyebrow has developed an interesting collection of white hairs. It almost looks as if he has shaved a thin line in his eyebrow like rappers and ASBO kids do.

Yaxlich wonders if this makes him groovy.

He thinks this is the word the cool kids use these days.

Heating On

Yaxlich has just put the heating on in the flat for the first time in months. It is so cold that his hands have gone purple and he can't feel his fingers. In fact it almost feels like he is using someone elses hands.

Yaxlich must get a grip on himself.