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: a collection of amusing tales from the UK blogosphere.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

First Day

It was Yaxlich's first day at work today. It was almost like his first day at school only this time he didn't wet himself or call his boss mummy.

Yaxlich is quite shy so he found it difficult meeting so many people knowing that they were checking him out. It's never nice being the new boy. People make snap judgements that can stick with you for ever. He has an old school friend who still refers to him as "Farty Nose Bleed Boy".

Getting up in the morning wasn't fun. Yaxlich has never been a morning person. Mornings are not his friend. If he had his way, mornings would be banned.

He had one of those moments on the way to the tube station. The kind where you suddenly think that you're wearing your slippers. This is very odd because he hasn't worn slippers since he was 10.

First weeks at new jobs are always rubbish. For the first week nobody knows what to do with you. You're not good enough to be let loose to do your job and so you end up reading the health and safety manual because your boss/mentor/trainer/poor sap designated to look after you* (* delete where applicable) has run out of things to say.

Did you know that the Health and Safety Regulations 1981 require a company to provide appropriate equipment, facilities and personnel to enable first aid to be given to employees if they are injured or become ill at work? How about the fact that carbon dioxide fire extinguishers are only suitable for fires caused by electrical faults and flammable liquids?

Monday, February 26, 2007

Cheesy Dreams

Yaxlich's bedtime cheese experiment didn't really result in anything of any note. He was a little disappointed, to be honest. He'd heard great things about people having weird and bizarre dreams following late night cheese feasts and, if the truth be told, his own dream was a little disappointing.

He can't remember all of the details but it started with Yaxlich running down the Great West Road in Brentford being pursued by a giant Lucozade bottle which was being driven by Sheena Easton. There were enormous Hiwatt speakers attached to the sides of the bottle which were blaring out "Modern Girl". Sheena was dressed in a cowgirls outfit and was trying to lasso Yaxlich with licorice string.

As Yaxlich ran under the M4, he took a sharp turn down Ealing Road and ran into a pub next to Brentford Football Club. As anyone who has ever done a pub quiz will know, Brentford is the only football ground in the country with a pub on all four corners. Anyway, he digresses. Inside he found JonnyB and The Girl playing the fruit machine. One of them was wearing a skintight PVC outfit with an enormous strap on dildo attached to the crotch area. The Girl was just wearing jeans and a My Boyfriend Is A Twat t-shirt.

As he looked around the pub, he saw a number of familiar bloggers who were all present for a meeting of some kind. He can't remember what it was for but it must have been jolly important because nearly every blogger he knows was in there. Of course Yaxlich doesn't know what the majority of bloggers look like but, somehow in his dream, he recognised everyone so Anna was knitting a jumper in the corner, Diamond Geezer was reproducing a map of the London Underground using only discarded cigarette ends, Ignorminious was asking Petite Anglaise for tips on hand rearing otters, Mr Biffo was wearing his stormtroopers outfit and entertaining everyone with his best Joe Pasquale impression. Wendz, Zoe and Sim were all playing a game a darts whilst An Unreliable Witness was challenging Non Working Monkey to an arm wrestle.

Along one wall were a collection of giant plasma screen TVs with live satellite links to overseas bloggers including Lizza, Sanni, Guyana Girl, MTS and Prometheus. Whatever was happening was big. This could be some kind of blogging revolution kicking off in The Princess Royal.

However Sheena came bursting through the doors followed by an army of dwarves. Instantly everyone else in the pub disappeared leaving only Yaxlich whimpering in the corner. As Sheena walked towards him, her face morphed into Bill Gates and he-she began to chuckle menacingly. Sheena-Bill told Yaxlich that he had turned to the Dark Side by switching to Firefox and that he would be punished. One of the dwarves produced a boxed copy of Vista and began thwapping Yaxlich around the head with it until everything went black.

When Yaxlich awoke he found that he was strapped to a chair in the middle of a giant amphitheatre. On the seats were dwarves drinking litre steins of dandelion and burdock, green monkeys throwing poo and a menacing looking 8 foot duck. He was being guarded by Tish who was sitting astride the Lucozade bottle and taking great delight in preparing a rubber gimp mask to put over Yaxlich's head. As Sheena-Bill strode into the amphitheatre to raucous cheers from the dwarves, he-she was followed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The Hiwatt speakers began pumping out the 12" remix of "Morning Train" and Sheena-Bill introduced the Pillsbury Dough Boy as being Mr Google who was also unhappy with Yaxlich for considering moving to WordPress.

Mr Google produced a huge Samurai sword from somewhere (possibly the vendor in the corner selling unfeasibly large 8th Century weapons) and announced to the baying crowd, or at least those which weren't more interested in throwing poo at each other, that Yaxlich was to be executed for crimes against the Judean People's Front.

Suddenly Helen Mirren came bursting through the doors riding a unicorn and brandishing JonnyB's enormous strap on which she used to bludgeon Mr Google to death. In the meanwhile, Sheena-Bill escaped in a helicopter made out of raspberry jelly whilst Tish drove off on the Lucozade bottle into the sunset accompanied by George Clooney.

And that's when he woke up so, as you can see, cheese categorically does not give you strange dreams.

Friday, February 23, 2007


Yaxlich went out tonight to meet some friends. He didn't eat anything before he went out so arrived home a little peckish. It was 11.30pm which is far too late to eat anything but this didn't stop him from having a late night snack. He made cheese toasties which, you may recall, is one of his favouritist things ever.

Someone once told him that eating cheese late at night gives you funny dreams. Since he is about to go to bed, Yaxlich will report back tomorrow if he has any unusual sleep activity.

Well any unusual sleep activity that he would be prepared to tell his mummy.


Yaxlich. Too busy to blog. Playing game.

Thanks Robert at A Welsh View.

Top score 8460.

Take that, Scaryduck!

Thursday, February 22, 2007


According to Mr Biffo, Scaryduck is "the UK's leading poo-obsessed blogger".

Possibly Mr Biffo made this statement because he thought Yaxlich had stopped blogging but this is not true. Yaxlich has simply been very busy over the last few weeks.

Clearly Yaxlich has some work to do if he is to achieve his goal.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Clever Yaxlich

In order to use the new Blogger, you need to log in using your Google account. This is all well and good but if you happen to have more than one Google account, it means that you have to keep logging in and out of them in order to function.

Yaxlich has two Google accounts. One he uses for Blogger and one he uses for other things including Google Reader. The move to new Blogger meant that he could no longer remain logged in to his own blog and peruse Google Reader at the same time. This was very frustrating.

Today Yaxlich installed Firefox and, as a result, has come up with a very clever solution. He has found that if you log in to Google using Firefox, you can log in to Google using another account via Internet Explorer.

This has pleased him greatly. Not only is Firefox a much better web browser than Internet Explorer but it means he can surf and play all at the same time.

February is great. He never wants it to end.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Reasons To Be Cheerful - Part 3

February is turning into a very good month indeed. Yaxlich had a phone call on Friday afternoon confirming that he is starting a new job on the 26th. It's not a very exciting job. He gets to sit on the telephone helping people with problems.

It's not the Samaritans, before you ask.

He is very much looking forward to telling the vegetable soup people that he won't be seeing them anymore. He'll miss Mrs Eyebrows but he's very excited about the prospect of the pant purchasing power that this new job brings.

In other news, Yaxlich hopes to start posting regularly again over the next few days. He's sorry that he hasn't been writing every day like he normally does but he's still busy not working on something else.

Happy weekend everyone!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Ultimate Googlie

Yaxlich has been trumped. No matter what appears in his Site Meter stats, he doesn't think he can ever beat this doozie of a Googlie from f:lux.

"i have been invited to rocky horror but am afraid because wearing basque and stockings makes me hard"

Valentines Day

Today is Valentines Day. Yaxlich only knows this because everyone kept asking him at work today whether he'd received any cards or phone calls or if he was going out for a romantic meal tonight.

The answer to all of the above is no.

Mr E and the AP have not gone out either. They're sitting in the kitchen having dinner at the moment and are showing no signs of leaving the flat. Yaxlich wonders whether agoraphobia is contagious.

He hopes they don't play nudey prod games later. He's very tired and doesn't want to hear them playing hide the sausage whilst he's trying to sleep.

Anyway, Yaxlich hopes that everyone is having a very nice Valentines Day and that they are spending it with someone special. When he says special, though, he doesn't mean someone sitting at the back of the bus licking the window.

Monday, February 12, 2007


It looks as if Blogger are going to force Yaxlich to move to the new version. He's very scared that everything will break. He found a website which has given him some advice on how to back up Blogger. He hopes that it works OK.

If he disappears without a trace, he's very sorry. Google ate him.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

One Other Thing

Yaxlich probably should mention that the Snow Again post was his 300th.

In the past he celebrated his 100th and 200th posts by giving a brief review of what he had blogged about in that time but he is so tired at the moment that it's as much as he can manage to keep his eyes open so he hopes people won't mind too much.

If you wanted to see what he's blogged about since he passed 200 posts, he suggests you go to the November archive, start at November 14 and work your way back. In a nutshell it has involved poo, farts, winkies, vegetable soup and not working.

Definitely not working. Oh no. No work. No siree. Not Yaxlich.

Detecting A Pattern

A couple of interesting Googlies in the last 24 hours.

Stupid women
Woman talking incessantly
Good smacked bottom

That will be all.

Snow Again

It snowed last night. It wasn't the silly kind of snow that doesn't settle, it was proper snow and everything. Sadly he didn't get time to make a snowman today. To be fair, even if he had the time, he still hasn't bought any coal or carrots so it would have been a very odd looking snowman with eyes made out of brussel sprouts and the nose would have been that funny neck massager thing that the AP left in the front room once.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Tra La La

To be read by the vegetable soup people: Today Yaxlich spent the whole day looking for a job and not working in the slightest. He watched a bit of day time TV and had gravel for lunch. He would like to thank you for coming to see him today and would like to end his message with a picture of a funny picture and then let you know that there is nothing else to see today.

To be read by everyone else: Today Yaxlich was working and has only just got home but he thought he'd let you know he was still here and thinking about you. He wants to say a big hello to everyone who has come to visit from Enids blog. He recommends that you go and visit her site called third-person singular but just be prepared for the fact that she talks funny. He can't quite put his finger on why...

He'd also like to say a belated hello to the people who entered the following phrases into Google today - betty swollocks, bottom poo shagging and stick your finger up your bum hiccups nobel. He hopes you enjoyed your stay and washed your hands on the way out.

Sunday, February 04, 2007


Yaxlich isn't going to be around much over the next week so if you visit his blog and see he hasn't written anything, do not be alarmed. He hasn't stopped blogging or his hands haven't fallen off. He's just not here.

Play nicely.

Friday, February 02, 2007

A Little Bit Of Wee Came Out

Yaxlich was idly looking through his Site Meter stats earlier this afternoon. As you know, he's always interested to see how people came to visit his site.

Today has thrown up one of the best Googlies in a long time. In fact when he saw it, he laughed so hard that a little bit of wee came out. This was the inspiration for the title of this post.

Todays Googlie is....scrotum enhancement.

February really is proving to be much better than January already.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Yay! Part Two

Yesterday Yaxlich went to see the vegetable soup people.

Needless to say, after everything that has been going on over the last week, he was not in a good mood however he decided to take the advice of Richard and MTS so he strolled in to the VS place full of positive thoughts, a big smile and a slight hint of cleavage. There may even have been a slightly mischievous glint in his eye although it could equally have been sleepy dust.

As a result Yaxlich is now back in "the system" and will continue to receive his tuppence ha'penny a week to live on. They have said that he may be investigated at a later date but, for the time being, normal service is resumed.

He guesses now isn't a good time to tell them about his weeks work next week....


It's not January anymore. Despite earlier assurances that January was going to be cancelled due to lack of interest, January continued unabated. Well until now.

Today it is not January. It is February so sucks yah boo to January! Go on. Disappear off to do whatever it is that you do for the other eleven months of the year. Nobody cares about you, you spineless, horrible waste of a month. Well nobody apart from the membership committee at the local gym.

February will bring lots of happiness. Lots of mirth. Lots of nice things. Things that are not January. Yaxlich is doing a little jig of joy. In fact he's so happy about the fact that it's not January that he's going to tell you something about him that he's never told you before.

Yaxlich lives in a place that was once mentioned in a Monty Python sketch*.

There. Already February is a better place. Yaxlich envies MTS for getting there earlier but, equally, he doesn't envy her criminal descendency.

February is our month, people. Embrace February for it is good. Her Sheenaness demands it!

* - it's not Judea