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Thursday, August 31, 2006

More Love Online - Update

Readers of Yaxlich's blog may recall his More Love Online post where he relayed the story about two people who had met in Barcelona and the resulting worldwide circulation of an email. Today Yaxlich received a comment from Vicky Elborough-Cook, one of the people involved in the story, and he thought it only fair to let you know in case you had a life and didn't read Yaxlich's archives religiously every day and missed Vicky's reply.


Now that it isn't Yaxlich's 100th post, he feels that he can say something about the IKEA dog. He read about the new IKEA brochure yesterday which features a happy family on the front page with their pet dog. Everything would appear to be normal and a picture of domestic bliss. That is until you look closely at the dog who would appear to be much happier than his owners with his new IKEA sofa.

Yaxlich thinks that the IKEA dog is exceptionally blessed in the Beefy McManstick department. He also has the added bonuses of being able to scratch his ear with his leg, sleep for most of the day and lick his own balls.

Yaxlich wonders why it's called a dog's life.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

More Numbers

As today is a day of numbers, Yaxlich thought he would share some more with you.

0 - The number of girlfriends Yaxlich has had in the last two years
1 - The number of red boats in his current favourite blog
2 - How many times a month Yaxlich has to visit the place that smells of vegetable soup
3 - The number of people who contributed to Pant Aid
4 - How many vowels they have in America
5 - How many months Yaxlich has been writing his blog
6 - The number of times he was approached today on his way to the vegetable soup place by people asking him to complete a questionaire.
7 - The number of weeks it has taken the Job Centre to process Yaxlich's claim. He will now start to receive the princely sum of £57.45 ($109.42) per week
8 - The number of mutant eyebrows currently vying for the title of "Yaxlich's Daddy Eyebrow"
9 - How old he was when he realised that Father Christmas didn't exist
10 - How old he was when he had an incident involving a copy of Look-In and the centre spread featuring the blonde one from Abba
11 - The most comments he has had on any of his posts
12 - How long it took Takeru Kobayashi to eat 53 3/4 hot dogs
13 - How old he was when he had his first proper kiss
14 - The number of minutes it takes Yaxlich to waddle to the nearest clean public convenience during what he now refers to as the 72 Hour Clench
15 - How old he was when he told his mummy that he knew Father Christmas didn't exist
16 - The number of blogs he routinely visits every single day
17 - How old Yaxlich was when he left school
18 - The number of minutes Yaxlich stared at the number 18 before giving up on a factoid
19 - How old he was when he passed his motorbike test
20 - How old he was when he had his first motorbike accident
21 - Yaxlich's Google rank for the term Betty Swollocks
22 - Two little ducks
23 - The number of posts before Yaxlich realised he hadn't enabled comments
24 - The number of posts before Yaxlich received his first comment
25 - The number of the last factoid before he starts dealing with bigger numbers
30 - The number of days in the month that Yaxlich was born*
50 - The number of spam emails Yaxlich gets every day which tell him that his Beefy McManstick is too small or that he has won a prize or that stocks in Acme Tyres are a sure fire winner this month
63 - The most number of visitors to his blog in a single day
120 - How many minutes he had to sit in the Council offices today waiting to be seen
1,108 - The number of visitors Yaxlich has had since he installed his Site Counter
11,384 - The distance in miles from where Yaxlich lives to his furthest most reader
14,760 - The number of visitors who Site Meter say will visit his blog in the next twelve months
31,000 - The number of entries in Google for Betty Swollocks
225,430 - His current rank
50,000,000 - The number of in the world

* - Yaxlich wasn't born 30 times.

100 Today

This is Yaxlich's 100th post. He didn't realise that until he was about to post a story about a dog with a big winky but he decided that wouldn't be an appropriate way to celebrate.

Yaxlich has learnt a lot about the world since he started blogging. When he started he thought the Queen might read his blog but she hasn't left a comment yet. He discovered that they had the internet in America, that they only have 4 vowels and like to eat hot dogs.

He has shared a number of his medical problems with you including his summer cold and his Betty Swollocks (which he later discovered that the internet suffers from too). He also had to tick off the BBC about their misleading reporting. He's told you about his agoraphobic house visitor and the resulting problems.

He found an unusually named dietary advice organisation. He made up a new word. He discussed his spam problems. He talked about people being unlucky in love on not once, not twice but three times. He even won an award.

He has found out a lot about New Zealand and started his own Pant Aid appeal. He discovered a fish wearing lipstick. He's found out that nobody at the Job Centre has seen the Full Monty and that they all smell of vegetable soup. He's learned about monkeys on the Underground and that his winky is really called Beefy McManstick.

He's discussed renegade eyebrows and his resulting theory. He's had a visitor from the Phillipines who was accompanied by three imaginary dwarves. Discussed Swedish porn, old mans baby gravy and polar bears with small winkies.

All in all Yaxlich thinks that he has learned a lot from the internet in his 100 posts. He is very much looking forward to the next 100 posts.

He would like to thank everyone who has stopped by and posted a comment on his blog. You are Yaxlich's friends and that is probably the most important thing that has happened to him since he started his blog.

Yaxlich says thank you.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Nescafe Nostrils

You may recall that Yaxlich had an incident involving coffee and his nose when reading Mr Biffo's History of Vomiting post.

It has happened again. The post is entitled ******* ****!!! and you can read it on which was featured on the Meet the bloggers radio show this morning.

Petite Twat

Yaxlich is very excited. He has just read on petite anglais blog that she and Zoe from My Boyfriend Is A Twat will be on the radio next Tuesday! Two of his favourite lady bloggers in one 15 minute show! The BBC website has a whole page dedicated to the series Meet the bloggers.

Yaxlich is trembling. He thinks it's excitement although he isn't prepared to discount wind.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Maria Esther de Capovilla

Yaxlich has just read that Maria Esther de Capovilla has died. She was the oldest woman in the world. The BBC website report says "Relatives say Capovilla was in good health and her death was a shock". She was 116. Yaxlich would have thought that her waking up each morning was more of a shock.

Despite Yaxlich being unaware of Maria Esther de Capovilla until a few hours ago, she has left him with a lasting legacy. According to her family the secret of her long life was drinking donkey milk.

Yaxlich would like to say thank you to Maria Esther de Capovilla, wherever you may be. You might not have met Yaxlich but he will always remember you fondly for your gift of donkey knowledge. Thanks to you, Yaxlich now knows that donkeys make milk.

He would also like to apologise to his old work colleague Martin Flowers for getting him the sack. He now realises that the woman in the video you emailed him was milking the donkey. He hopes that your criminal record did not prevent you from finding future employment.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Bank Holiday Fun

In England it is a Bank Holiday Weekend. This means that for people who are working (i.e. not Yaxlich) they get an extra day off. Normally most British people use this excuse to (a) go to the seaside (b) drink lots of beer or (c) a combination of both. Normally (c) is the favourite and thousands of British people descend on the coastal resorts of England and drink large quantities of fizzy lager, eat kebabs and beat each other up.

Obviously in Peru they do not celebrate Bank Holiday Weekends. What they do instead is to recognise that they can spend an extra day with Yaxlich's housemate and therefore stretch the pain of bowel retention by another 24 hours.

As a result the Clenchometer is currently standing at Elevated.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Polar Bears Winkies

Yaxlich read an article in the Metro newspaper yesterday which he thought he would share with you. He has looked on the Metro website but cannot find the article. Fortunately Yaxlich tore it out of the paper and brought it home with him.

It's not just the polar ice cap which is shrinking - high levels of industrial pollution in Greenland are causing polar bears' genitals to shrink too. The industrial nasties build up in seal blubber which the bears eat, Danish toxicologists say. Toxicologist Christian Sonne said the shrinkage could endanger their survival: 'Reducing polar bear penis size would make sex less successful' he said.

As regular readers will know, Yaxlich is concerned about global warming and particularly the effect it will have on polar bears. He finds this latest news very disturbing and urges his readers to stop using their cars for the next week to slow down the global warming.

Yaxlich would also like to say that despite rumours to the contrary, he has never eaten any seal blubber.

Friday, August 25, 2006


Yaxlich was disappointed to hear the news yesterday that Pluto is no longer a planet. Whilst he has never been there, he had always thought of it fondly and finds it demotion in status rather sad.

Pluto is now officially referred to as a dwarf planet along with it's moon Charon and the wonderfully titled 2003 UB313. Yaxlich wonders how long before they are renamed Armand, Luis and Angel.

Solar system

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Not Going Anymore

Yaxlich is glad that he didn't go to Japan. The BBC website has said that Tokyo subways will be showing the naked Britney Spears posters after all.

All of this has got Yaxlich thinking, though. For some time now he has been having feelings towards Lisa Simpson and he is confused. Britney was always his number One ever since he saw the Hit Me Baby One More Time video. However the feelings he has towards Lisa are totally different and he is starting to question whether Britney is right for him.

Britney Speared

Yaxlich might not be around for a few days. He has just read that city officials in Tokyo have banned giant billboard posters of Britney Spears naked. He is intending to go to Tokyo to collect all of the unwanted posters to wallpaper his bedroom. Yaxlich has never been to Tokyo before. He doesn't really know where it is but he'll ask for directions.

Yaxlich is so excited that he can hardly type!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Super Villains

Yaxlich followed a link earlier to It's A Blog Eat Blog World where Morgen asked the question "What is your super-villain name?". Yaxlich read with interest that it is a combination of the colour of your shirt + your least favourite vegetable.

Yaxlich is Blue Brussel Sprouts.

Yaxlich is going to get his crayons out later and draw a picture of Blue Brussel Sprouts and send it to Warner Brothers and see if they'll make Yaxlich a movie star.

Geriatric Sperm

Regular readers of Yaxlich's blog will know that he has a problem with spam. Every day he receives lots of emails from people trying to sell him all sorts of things. Normally these spam emails have got an enticing title such as 'Congratulations - You've Won!' or 'We Love You Yaxlich' or 'Guaranteed Win'.

Today Yaxlich received a spam email with the title 'Geriatric Sperm'.

Yaxlich doesn't get out much so doesn't know how the rest of the world works but, as far as he knows, there isn't much of a market for such a product in England.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Swedish TV

Yaxlich has just read about the Swedish TV company which mistakenly showed 5 minutes of an adult film in the background of a news bulletin. The report on the BBC website says that workers at SVT (which Yaxlich thinks stands for Swedish Vision Tele) accidentally left the monitor tuned to the Canal Plus station after watching a sports event. Normally this monitor displays other news stations content in the background. However after midnight Canal Plus starts showing adult content which is why the midnight news bulletin on Saturday had images from a Czech naughty movie behind the newsreader Peter Dahlgren.

SVT spokesman Per Yng said "It lasted no more than 30 seconds - only during the first item on the midnight news on Saturday". Yaxlich recalls his ex wife saying something similar to one of her friends once.

More Vegetable Soup

Yaxlich has got to go to the Job Centre again today because they've lost some of the paperwork relating to his claim. He's not happy about this. It's already been 6 weeks since they started processing his information. Why has it taken them so long to realise they don't have everything they need?

Monday, August 21, 2006

That Was The Week That Was

Yaxlich was speaking to someone over the weekend and he told them that he writes a blog every day. The other person asked Yaxlich what the blog was about to which he replied the world. The other person said that was a very big thing to blog about and Yaxlich agreed.

In the last week or so Yaxlich has written about inbreeding, agoraphobic Peruvians, carjacking by drunken Welshmen and a goat, annoying internet songs, Islamic fundamentalists, unemployed people smelling of vegetable soup, mutant eyebrows, potty problems, Filipino judges and imaginary dwarves, his brief appearance on a blog about cowbells and an 80's policeman arresting someone for possession of curly black hair and thick lips.

Sometimes Yaxlich wakes up in the morning and wonders if he'll find anything to write about.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Constable Savage Goes To Malaga

Yaxlich read with interest the story this morning about a Monarch Airlines flight which was severely delayed after passengers refused to allow the flight to take off until two men they believed were terrorists were removed from the plane. Flight ZB 613 was grounded until the two passengers were removed from the Airbus A320 in Malaga.

According to passenger Jo Schofield the passengers were suspicious of the two men because they "looked really suspicious with their heavy clothing, scruffy, rough, appearance and long hair". The report in the Mail of Sunday also suggests that passengers were alerted to the two because they were of Asian origin, they were speaking in Arabic and they had beards.

Constable Savage after arresting Winston CudoogoYaxlich read through the article twice and although he didn't see his name mentioned, he expects that the famous 1980's policeman, Constable Savage, would have been on board the plane and heavily involved in the incident. Older readers may recall his work in the prosecution of Winston Cudoogo for the following offences :
  • loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing
  • smelling of foreign food
  • urinating in a public convenience
  • coughing without due care and attention
  • looking at me in a funny way
  • walking on the cracks in the pavement
  • walking in a loud shirt in a built-up area during the hours of darkness
  • walking around with an offensive wife
  • possession of curly black hair and thick lips

A full transcipt of the briefing between Constable Savage and his senior officer can be found here

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Judge Florentino Floro

Yaxlich would like to thank Judge Florentino Floro for taking the time to stop by his blog and leave a comment. Yaxlich marvels at modern technology and how quick information can be transmitted across the world. He is, of course, assuming that Judge Floro used such technology to find his blog.

Friday, August 18, 2006


Current Status : Guarded


Yaxlich has just been to where he sees that he is now ranked 256,800. This is 58,405 better than the last time he checked. A new person called Justin has added Yaxlich to his favourites. Justin writes a blog about cowbells.

Sadly, however, despite the advice from Ask Answer Receive that he shared last Friday, Britney Spears has not delivered any mail to his house wearing a school uniform.

Filipino Justice

Florentino Floro used to be a judge in Manila which is in the Philippines and where Lizza lives. He has been sacked by the Supreme Court because he regularly consults with three imaginary dwarves called Armand, Luis and Angel. According to Mr Floro, he made a covenant with his dwarf friends so that he could write while in a trance and he says that he had been seen by several people in two places at the same time.

The Supreme Court sacked him saying that "dalliance with dwarves would gradually erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the guardian of the law, if not make it an object of ridicule".

Yaxlich wonders how long it will be before Mr Floro starts work for the British judiciary system. He sounds like the perfect person to get British justice back on it's feet.

Silly Yaxlich

Yaxlich has been silly. The memories of last weeks pain are still vivid in his mind and yet what does he have for tea on Thursday night? The night the Peruvian arrives at his flat for her weekly hibernation?

A hot chilli.

The clenching has begun.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Anusha suggests that eyebrows grow back violently and haphazardly after they have been plucked. Yaxlich believes that Anusha is correct and has developed a theory.

When he plucks his eyebrows, Yaxlich throws the unrequired white eyebrow hair into the sink where it is washed away into the sewers. Once in the sewers, a new strain of eyebrow hair is developed which is stonger than their weak and weedy plucked predecessors. The genetic structure of these new Super Brows is strong enough to survive the filtration and purification processes at the water plants where they are transferred back into the water system as microbes and reattach themselves to Yaxlich's face when he is washing in the morning.

Just this morning he noticed a new white hair which he is sure wasn't there yesterday. This particular white hair is the undisputed Daddy of his left eyebrow. It dwarfs all of the other hairs. It doesn't conform to eyebrow standards and respond to a licked finger tip to bring it back into line. It springs back into it's crazy coil and mocks Yaxlich in the mirror. This bad boy is here to stay and there's nothing Yaxlich can do about it.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Yaxlich has got another problem. This time is does not involve his medical condition or bowel evacuations.

Whilst shaving this morning, Yaxlich noticed that a large percentage of his eyebrows were grey. In fact they were snowy white. They were also incredibly long and much thicker than all of his other eyebrows. Yaxlich put down his razor and begun plucking out the offending white curly eyebrows.

After much plucking, yelping and occassional use of naughty words, Yaxlich completed the task and his eyebrows are now back to their normal state. However he is now concerned that if he continues to cull the white eyebrows every time they appear that he will end up with no eyebrows at all which would make him look very odd. Even more so than normal.

Yaxlich would like to ask any ladies who visit his blog whether or not eyebrows grow back after you have plucked them or should Yaxlich colour in the white eyebrows with a marker pen?

Job Centre Fun

This morning saw Yaxlich make his fortnightly trip to the Job Centre to sign on. He doesn't like going to the Job Centre because it makes him feel inadequate just because he doesn't have a job. He also doesn't like it because the Job Centre smells funny. Yaxlich can't quite place what the smell is but the closest thing he can think of is vegetable soup.

Yaxlich wonders if all unemployed people smell of vegetable soup around the world.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Timing Is Everything

Yaxlich has had his gast flabbered this morning.

He has just read that British Muslim leaders summoned to talk to the Government about extremist activity have used this opportunity to demand Muslim public holidays in England to mark their religious festivals.

A quote from the Daily Mail article written by James Chapman

Dr Syed Aziz Pasha, secretary general of the Union of Muslim Organisations
of the UK and Ireland, said: 'We told her if you give us religious rights, we
will be in a better position to convince young people that they are being
treated equally along with other citizens.'

In the same article it also says that Muslim leaders want Sharia law to be introduced to Britain. Below is a further quote from the article

Sharia law, which is practised in large parts of the Middle East, should also
be introduced in Britain, they argued. While it specifies stonings and
amputations as routine punishments for crimes, Dr Pasha said he wanted it only
for family affairs.
Under the law, a husband pays his wife a dowry on
marriage, and money and assets are shared out between family members in
specified amounts after someone dies.

The article also quotes a recent poll which says that one third of British Muslims want Sharia law introduced to Britain and a similar number want Britain to become an Islamic state.

Yaxlich questions the timing of this request by Dr Syed Aziz Pasha. Last Thursday 23 Islamic extremists were arrested for conspiring to blow up ten planes in mid-air and murdering thousands of innocent people. Does Dr Pasha not think that perhaps his requests might have been better received if he had picked another time?

Equally, if Yaxlich moved to another country, he would be expected to adhere to that countries laws and observe that countries public holidays. Yaxlich would be in the minority and therefore not in a position to dictate to his host country. He believes the term is 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do'. Why should any one minority group dictate a nations public holidays? The last UK census over 10,000 people stated their religion as 'Jedi Knight'. Does this mean that the Jedi Knights can demand a public holiday to mark the death of Obi Wan Kenobi?

Yaxlich has avoided posting anything regarding this subject for some time but todays news has genuinely shocked him. He is a tolerant man who does not judge people by the colour of their skin, their socio-economic background or their chosen religion. However he doesn't tolerate bullies and he finds this comment by Dr Syed Aziz Pasha deeply offensive and unacceptable

'We told her if you give us religious rights, we will be in a better
position to convince young people that they are being treated equally along with
other citizens.'

Yaxlich has read the Qur'an and has met a large number of Muslims. He shares a lot of their beliefs in terms of family values, what is right and what is wrong. He knows that the comments made by this 'spokesperson' would be equally offensive to them.

Regular readers of Yaxlich's blog will know that he likes to view the world with a smile and tries to see the good in everyone and everything. This post is not in keeping with the vast majority of his blog. It is radically different from everything else in his blog. It's views and opinions will probably shock and surprise the majority of Yaxlich's readers.

Perhaps this post would like it's own public holiday.

Monday, August 14, 2006

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Yaxlich first became aware of this song thanks to a link on Lizza's blog. The post Lizza was referring to was on My Webbed Feat. Yaxlich listened to it yesterday and has not been able to get it out of his head. He now sees it on Boing Boing.

Yaxlich thinks that he is going to spend the rest of the day writing a song about his weekend episode with the agoraphobic Peruvian and his potty problems and would like your help with suggestions. So far he has come up with
  • Bomb Bay Dreams (thanks to the inspiration from Rhys)
  • In The Air Tonight
  • Waterloo
  • Big Log

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Snowy The Goat

Snowy the goatSad news has reached Yaxlich today. Snowy the goat has died. Yaxlich did not know Snowy the goat but he was deeply touched by her moving ordeal.

Snowy the goat was kidnapped by a drunken Welshman who had consumed 12 pints of cider. She was bundled into the back of a stolen Volvo by Carl Myles near Swansea. Mr Myles then tried to escape in the stolen Volvo before he was apprehended by the cars owner.

According to the BBC Website, Snowy the goat's owner Terry Batt said that he thought Snowy would have been very frightened. Yaxlich believes Mr Batt. He too has been in the back of a Volvo with a drunken Welshman and it's not something that he would like to repeat.

They Went Out

For half an hour earlier today Yaxlich was alone in the flat. His housemate and the Peruvian went out. Yaxlich is sitting very comfortably writing this. He is no longer sweating, grimacing, clenching, hyperventilating, crying, begging, pleading, gurning or waddling.

Yaxlich feels on top of the world.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Yaxlich Has A Problem

Yaxlich shares a flat with a friend of his. Every weekend his girlfriend comes to stay. She's a funny little Peruvian person. Yaxlich isn't sure whether they have the internet in Peru. He knows that Paddington Bear used to live in Peru before he arrived in England at Waterloo Station.

His friends girlfriend arrives on a Thursday night and goes home on a Sunday night. She never leaves the flat. Yaxlich doesn't know if she is agoraphobic or not but she sits in the lounge all day watching TV until Yaxlich's friend comes home and then they try to make babies. Yaxlich knows they are making babies because he found them doing it the other night. He didn't mean to. He thought that his friends girlfriend was dying because he heard her shout "Jesus Christ I'm coming" and he ran in to try to save her going to Heaven.

The problem Yaxlich has is that he needs to have a poo. Yaxlich lives in a very small flat and the lounge is next to the toilet. The toilet isn't very well sound proofed and Yaxlich doesn't want his friends girlfriend to hear him poo.

When he first moved into his flat Yaxlich didn't think that anyone could hear him poo. The giggles from the lounge proved Yaxlich wrong. He has tried everything. Putting toilet roll into the bowl to prevent splash back. Singing loudly. Coughing to disguise his farts. None of it works.

Yaxlich doesn't know if he can hold on until she goes Sunday night.

315,205 And Other Things

Yaxlich likes numbers. He thinks numbers are great. He can look at pages of numbers for hours. This is why he likes his SiteMeter and Technorati accounts because they give him lots of numbers to look at.

His SiteMeter account tells him that 2 people from Canada have visited his blog in the last 24 hours and that Rhys has been to see his blog 3 times in the last 12 hours. Yaxlich wonders whether the sheep are still living in Rhys' front room. He is worried about Rhys and the health implications of having sheep in the house.

Today Yaxlich is ranked 315,205 on Technorati. He doesn't know how many blogs are on Technorati but he remembers when he joined that he was ranked over 1,000,000. He has 18 links from 10 blogs which means that at least 10 people like Yaxlich.

One of the links to Yaxlich is from a blog called Ask, Answer, Receive which Yaxlich read this morning and found interesting. The writer says that if you think about something enough it will happen. This has pleased Yaxlich greatly and he will spend the rest of the day thinking about Britney Spears delivering his mail in her school uniform. Yaxlich will let you know what happens.


Dr Ian Gibson is a Labour MP for Norfolk. According to the BBC website, Dr Gibson is reported to have blamed inbreeding for a rise in diabetes in his constituency.

Yaxlich finds this an outrageous thing to say and thinks it's insulting to the people of Norfolk. He has been to Norfolk a number of times and has never seen anyone with an insulin kit although he has seen webbed fingered banjo players sitting on the porch in their white vests with their sister wives.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Blog Of The Day

OscarYaxlich has won an award. His post about Unhappy Love Stories yesterday was named relationship Blog of the Day.

In true Hollywood style, Yaxlich would like to thank his mother and father for not having any more babies so that Yaxlich could be spoilt rotten as the youngest child, his childhood dog Sheppie for occassionally letting one go under the dinner table and therefore freeing Yaxlich of any future blame for inadvertent trouser coughs whilst eating, Mrs Thatcher for stopping free milk at schools, Wayne Kerr for joining Yaxlich's school and diverting the bullies to someone else for a term, Sharon Harvey for letting Yaxlich play with her boobies for 50p, Mr Verma for teaching Yaxlich the Pythagerous Theory although he doesn't recall ever using it but is sure that one day it will be highly beneficial, Shona Marshall for being the first girl to dump Yaxlich and therefore prepare him for a lifetime of failure with women, Mr Singh at the newsagents for giving Yaxlich his first ever job and Doctor Shapiro for not laughing at Yaxlich when he first developed his medical condition.

Yaxlich believes that none of this would have been possible without you. He thanks you most sincerely.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Unhappy Love Stories

Yaxlich has read a number of things that have made him sad this morning.

Firstly Jim, who is a reader of Yaxlich's blog, had met someone online and was hoping to run away with her to be a spy, sell real estate and sing karaoke. Unfortunately the lady decided not to run away with Jim and so he is alone again. Yaxlich understands how difficult it is to find someone and hopes that Jim manages to find love again.

Secondly a couple from Southampton in England had their wedding ruined when a prank caller cancelled their wedding reception. Emma Moschakis went to decorate the venue the night before her big day only to discover that someone had called up and cancelled the event. In the end the reception was held in a local restaurant. Yaxlich thinks it's a shame that someone was so spiteful to do this.

Normally Yaxlich is a happy person who tries to see the good in everyone but sometimes things get him down. He also sees that Paul McCartney and his wife are still arguing very publicly about their divorce. Interest rates are set to rise. People are killing each other all over the world.

Yaxlich doesn't feel like blogging any more today and is going to sit in the garden for the day with a fan positioned at his feet pointing upwards, a good book and a cool box containing a spare pair of underpants.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

MSN Top 30 Blogs (Part 2)

Yaxlich thinks that both Mr Biffo and Zoe deserve their place in the Top 5 but he feels that the inclusion of two of the top 5 are nothing more than a cynical attempt by Microsoft to publicise the much heralded (by Microsoft) Windows Live Space which is an attempt to create an all encompassing social networking platform which will earn Bill Gates even more money despite the fact that he already has enough to buy most of Belgium and can probably afford the down payment on Finland and is another step in Microsoft's attempt to rule the world which is currently being thwarted by Google via their vastly superior search engine and intuitive blogging platform.

Yaxlich also thinks that is the longest sentence he has ever typed.

MSN Top 30 Blogs

Sadly The World of Yaxlich did not make it into the MSN Top 30 Blogs. He is very pleased to see, though, that My Boyfriend Is A Twat made it to number 3 so he would like to congratulate Zoe on her achievement. Diamond Geezer also appears in the list at number 14.

The number one is a blog called Biffovision which Yaxlich has just spent the last 30 minutes reading. Part of this time was spent mopping up the coffee which had just shot out of Yaxlich's nostrils as he read Mr Biffo's History of Vomiting post.

More Love Online

A few weeks ago Yaxlich told readers of his blog about a man called Mr Dobbie who wrote an email to a girl called Kate Winsall which ended up being sent all around the world and Mr Dobbie becoming a laughing stock just because he was romantic.

Today Yaxlich has read about a girl called Vicky Elborough-Cook who met a man called Gavin in Barcelona, which is in Spain. They were both staying in the same hotel, Gavin bought her drinks and they flirted with each other but Vicky didn't give Gavin her telephone number because she was "playing hard to get". When she got home, despite already having a boyfriend, she decided that she wanted to track Gavin down.

The only thing Vicky knew about Gavin was that he worked for the BBC so she sent an email to some friends to try to find him. This email ended up all going around the world and was seen by millions of people. It was unnecessary because Gavin had already got Vicky's telephone number and was interested in seeing her until he found out about the email. Gavin decided that he didn't want to meet Vicky because she was a stalker and was concerned over the welfare of his bunny rabbits whilst Vicky decided that she would try to rebuild her relationship with her boyfriend.

What has Yaxlich learned from all of this?
  1. Playing hard to get involves emailing the entire world and telling them that you fancy someone.
  2. The BBC employ university graduates to write their interactive captions.
  3. The BBC do not employ people who can spell to write their interactive captions.
  4. If you are rejected by someone you have been stalking and millions of people have read your email, pretend you weren't interested anyway and call the other person a loser. This does not make you appear bitter in any way.
  5. Love letters are dead and have been replaced with out of office replies.
  6. Yaxlich is on the wrong email distribution list as he never receives these emails.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Spanking The Monkey

Yaxlich has just been reading Boing Boing and he sees that the story about the bad monkeys appears on the front page. He has been thinking a lot about bad monkeys since he wrote about it last week.

A lot of people in India are unemployed like Yaxlich and he thinks it would be better to give the job to a human than to other monkeys. When the monkeys are bad, the man would spank them with a stick. Not spank them hard but just enough so that they stop being naughty and go off to eat bananas and play in the trees again like Cheetah from Tarzan.

Some people worship the elephant in India and perhaps it's the same with the monkey so Yaxlich thinks that maybe it's illegal to spank the monkey in India.

Big Brother

Yaxlich doesn't watch Big Brother but he sees that there is a big fuss about letting former housemates back into the house. He is in favour of this. In fact Yaxlich believes that they should allow every single former housemate from all of the previous series back into the house and then lock the doors.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Beefy McManstick

Yaxlich received an email this morning from Rhys in New Zealand to let him know that he was renaming his Blog in honour of Yaxlich. Well this pleased Yaxlich greatly and he feels suitably honoured that Rhys would do this.

Rhys also sent Yaxlich a link to a website which told him that his winky was called "Beefy McManstick". Yaxlich doesn't recall ever calling his winky this but will do so from now on.

The Blogthings website is very interesting. Yaxlich has also learned today that his gay childhood icon is Peppermint Paddy from Peanuts and that his Russian name is Vanyusha Pyotr Lebedev.

Yaxlich would like to thank Rhys and Gumby for telling him about Blogthings. Yaxlich will be spending many hours on this website.

Finally for today, Yaxlich would like to say hello to Lizza. Lizza is from a place called Metro Manila where they make underground envelopes.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Star Wars

Yaxlich is a bit depressed today so was very pleased to be sent links to some funny Star Wars videos on the internet.

Darth Vader being a smartass (which Yaxlich thinks is American for smart arse as opposed to a highly intelligent donkey)

The Darth Vader sessions which is a long video but worth watching for the bits at the end which made Yaxlich laugh a lot

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Mel Gibson Again

Mel GibsonYaxlich sees that Mel Gibson could go to jail for up to six months if he is convicted of drink-driving offences.

Yaxlich has been reading a lot of the news stories about Mr. Gibson over the last few days and it seems that America is shocked by his behaviour and are threatening to boycott his future movies.

People in England are less surprised by his behaviour and Yaxlich thinks that this is because we're more used to seeing drunken Australians saying stupid things and making a tit of themselves.


Yaxlich would like to thank Silly Man for posting this on his Blog.

A man from Yorkshire in England has been fined £40 and given 3 penalty points on his license for farting in his car.
Full story can be found here.

Farting makes Yaxlich laugh almost as much as seeing small children falling over. He found a Japanese website dedicated to farting this morning which includes farting techniques.

Yaxlich truly does believe that the internet is a wonderful thing.

Another Pant Aid Update

The Pant Aid appeal currently stands at $3.

Yaxlich would like to thank the people who have contributed to his appeal so far. He hopes that another 7 people contribute soon as the chafing now requires an application of Savalon first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Monkey Business

Yaxlich has read that Delhi Metro authorities have employed a large black-faced langur monkey to frighten away other monkeys who were worrying passengers.

According to the article on the BBC website monkeys jump on the trains, frighten the passengers and attack people when they're not given food.

This sounds to Yaxlich like any Friday night coming home from London. He thinks that London Underground should do the same.

The Full Montyski

JobCentre Plus logo - Copyright Image - Source:WikipediaYaxlich doesn't work at the moment so every two weeks he has to go to the Job Centre to tell someone what he has been doing for the previous fortnight. It took Yaxlich some time to realise that they only wanted to know about what he had been doing to try to find work. The lady with the big bottom who works there still hasn't been able to look Yaxlich in the eye since he told her about his medical condition.

Today Yaxlich went to the Job Centre and waited in line with all of the rest of the people who don't have a job. There was a line of about 30 people this morning. Despite Yaxlich humming "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, none of the other people in the line wanted to dance. Perhaps The Full Monty wasn't a very big hit in Poland, Lithuania or Uzbekistan.

Yaxlich doesn't like having to go to the Job Centre. It makes him feel as if he has done something wrong by not having a job. It reminds him of when he was naughty at school and was sent to the headmaster although at least he's allowed to keep his trousers on at the Job Centre.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasures

Q Magazine has published a list today which Yaxlich saw on the BBC website of the Top 10 "list of uncool records it is okay to love".

ELO1. ELO - Livin' Thing
2. Boston - More Than A Feeling
3. S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
4. 10cc - I'm Not In Love
5. Gary Glitter - Rock'n'Roll Part 2
6. Foreigner - Cold As Ice
7. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell
8. Status Quo - Whatever You Want
9. Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
10. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

Yaxlich owns every single one of the above songs. As far as he is concerned this makes Yaxlich uncool but it's OK to love him.

He hopes that Britney Spears or Lisa Simpson read his blog today.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

July Hottest Ever Month

The Met Office in England have confirmed what Yaxlich already knew. July was the hottest month since records began in 1914.

Obviously Yaxlich can't be sure what the weather was like before he was born but he does remember the heat wave of 1976 where he spent most of the summer living in the frozen food section of Tesco.

The BBC website has a report on how the body is affected by the extreme heat. Yaxlich has sent them an email this morning pointing out their obvious omission on the supporting graphic and will let readers of his blog know when the BBC has made the necessary updates..