Happy New Year

2006 has been an interesting year for Yaxlich. When he woke up on January 1st he had no plans to start writing a blog but he's very glad that he did. He's enjoyed sharing his life with you. He doesn't get out much and doesn't talk to real people very often so it's been fun. He feels that he has changed quite a bit since he started blogging. His mummy thinks he has become more worldly wise, whatever that means. Perhaps it means that blogging has opened his eyes to the world. He's not sure. He does know that he has started to use rude words more and he's worried that his mummy will read his blog and will tell him off and maybe even wash his mouth out with soap and water. He has met lots of other people who blog including people from America where they also have the internet. He is very pleased that he has met all of these other people. They're his friends. Some of them even asked him to write on their blogs which was lots of fun. He hasn't enjoyed having to go to the vegetable soup place, though. He doesn't like it there and he doesn't like the fact that he never has any money to buy anything like sweets or underpants. He also didn't like it when it got really hot and his medical condition flared up but, on the whole, it's not been too bad a year. It's certainly not been what the Queen once called a horrible anus. Yaxlich isn't going to make any resolutions because he thinks they're a bit silly but he certainly hopes that he gets a job soon, earns some money and maybe even finds himself a girlfriend. That would be nice. Yaxlich would like to wish all of his readers a very Happy New Year. He hopes that 2007 is a good year for you all.

Another 100 Things

The BBC have been very busy spending the licence fee this week because they've just produced another 100 things we didn't know this time last year. This is the second in the series. The first one was called 100 things we didn't know this time last year. Yaxlich can see a theme developing here. Yaxlich chortled heartily when he saw that the medical term for the part of the brain which makes teenagers sulk is called the 'superior temporal sulcus'. Having spent two days in the company of his three teenage nieces, Yaxlich is pleased that he now knows the official term to use in future. One of the other entries that raised a smile was that 'coprolalia' is the term used to describe the involuntary bad language used by 10% of people who suffer from Tourette's syndrome. Coprolalia sounds to Yaxlich like one of the Teletubbies. INTERIOR - TELETUBBY HOUSE - DAY Tinky Winky and Dipsy are in the kitchen. Tinky Winky is icing a cake. Dipsy opens a box of candles. NARRATOR What's that you're doing, Tinky Winky? Tinky Winky indicates to the oven and then back to the cake. NARRATOR You're making a cake? Is it a special occasion? Tinky Winky nods his head and nudges Dipsy who is counting out some candles. Dipsy then points to the dining table which has got four brightly wrapped boxes sitting on it. NARRATOR Is it a birthday cake? Tinky Winky and Dipsy both nod. NARRATOR Whose birthday is it? Tinky Winky and Dipsy both point to Coprolalia who is sitting in the corner twitching spasmodically. NARRATOR Is it your birthday, Coprolalia? COPROLALIA F**k off you mother f*****g c**t

Christmas Presents

Yaxlich got this gift from his nephew for Christmas. He wonders if his nephew reads his blog. He also got some new books from his sister so he is very pleased that he doesn't have to read about people vibrating themselves to a higher spiritual plain or have to give up smoking. They were much more gratefully received than the waste bin. Mr E and the Agoraphobic Peruvian got him some shower gel and deoderant. He wonders if they're trying to tell him something. What exciting gifts did everyone get this year?

Yaxlich Family Christmas

Yesterday was Christmas Day. This is a significant day in the Christian calendar. It is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, the invention of swaddling clothes and to give thanks to shepherds for washing their socks at night. Yaxlich feels really bad. He didn't think about Jesus much yesterday or about shepherds. He did think about sheep a bit but he's not sure he wants to share this in his blog. All he thought about what how tight his brother in law is with the family booze. The way he sees it, his family are going to be cooking all the food on Christmas Day and Yaxlich is going to be a guest so the least he can do is use his vegetable soup money, not eat for a couple of days and buy some nice wine to wash it all down with so off he went to the special off licence on Christmas Eve to buy something special Christmas lunch. The regular off licence only sells Blue Nun or something else that is equally only suitable for removing stubborn stains or for using in chemical attacks on underfed African nations. The result? Yaxlich was given dessert wine for Christmas lunch. Sweet, sickly, nasty congealed grape smeg. Something his b-i-l had been given as a "present" from someone at work. From Spain. With a bull around the bottle neck. Every year it's the same, his B-I-L snaffles the good stuff and squirrels it away to either drink on his own in the potting shed or to share with his wife when he wants to make babies. If his sister has any more babies this year, they cost £9.98 from Thresher. Yaxlich has the receipt.

Happy Christmas

Yaxlich would like to wish each and every one of his readers a very Happy Christmas and he hopes that wherever you are in the world that you are keeping safe and surrounded by your loved ones.

Nearly Christmas

Christmas is on Monday and Yaxlich still hasn't done any of his Christmas shopping. He's going to go to the shops tomorrow. He is sure everyone else will have already done all of their shopping and is looking forward to wandering around the near empty shops. Yaxlich has just been reading the 100 things we didn't know this time last year article and he is disappointed to read that the Queen has never been on a computer. If he'd known that he wouldn't have wished her a happy birthday on his blog. He is fascinated with Fact 29. Why would an octopus disguise itself as a coconut? Wouldn't it be better for an octopus to disguise itself as something you're more likely to find in the sea? Like some poo or a used condom?

Yesterday

With one eye on the most prestigious award of 2007, Yaxlich spent the day doing nothing yesterday. Nada. Zilch. Zip. His online presence was a big, fat zero. He was, in other words, insignificant. He felt that by posting every day, this would make people be more aware of him so, conversely, by not posting yesterday this would make people more aware of his insignificance. Although, now he thinks about it, by noticing his insignificance, he might have become significant by virtue of his insignificance. Anyway, Yaxlich didn't post yesterday, OK? Just remember that when the voting starts.

Funny

Yaxlich has just been sent a link to a story about Jim Davidson being heckled by a boy scout. It contains naughty words but it still made Yaxlich laugh. For non British readers, Jim Davidson used to be a famous comedian in the 1980's. Sadly he hasn't updated his act since then so he is currently appearing in pantomime. Oh no he isn't. Oh yes he is. Etc. The bit which made Yaxlich chuckle the most was when the unnamed source suggested that Davidson was annoyed because "He didn’t like the fact he was being laughed at". A comedian who doesn't like being laughed at. Whatever next? A Tory MP that doesn't like being tied up with cable flex with an orange in his mouth and a plastic bag over his head?

Twiddling Thumbs

Yaxlich has just got back from the vegetable soup place where he saw a man twiddling his thumbs. He doesn't think he's ever actually seen someone do this before. He thought it was just one of those sayings that didn't mean anything but this man was actually twiddling his thumbs. He was standing in the queue to see the nice Sikh gentleman and had his hands clasped together as if in prayer. To begin with that is what Yaxlich thought he was doing. He thought he was praying to God and asking Him to somehow cover up the fact that he'd been working all week and that he was actually a Taxi Vader. Then Yaxlich noticed that his thumbs were twiddling. First they twiddled clockwise and then they went anti-clockwise. It was fascinating to watch a thumb twiddler in action. Yaxlich almost hopes that he doesn't get a job between now and January because he wants to go back to the vegetable soup place and capture this on his video phone so that he can share it with his readers. Twiddle. What a sadly underused word. Yaxlich thinks that he will try to use it wherever possible.

Santa Sees Everything

Santa Sees Everything Well that's Yaxlich buggered for a Christmas present this year.

Brussel Sprouts

Yaxlich has just read about a man called Richard Townsend who has failed to set a new world record for eating the most Brussel sprouts in a minute. He fell seven short of the world record of 43 which was set in December 2003 by a man called Dave Mynard. Mr Townsend has been preparing for his world record bid by eating sprouts every day for the last six months. Yaxlich suggests that Mr Townsend is single.

Mistletoe And Whine

In a weeks time it will be Christmas Day and the Yaxlich family will be re-enacting the video he posted the other day. He is going to his sisters for Christmas dinner and his parents are coming up from the Isle of Wight to eat a lot and complain about how expensive everything is these days. It will be nice to see his family and to eat a nice dinner but the one thing he is really not looking forward to is listening to Cliff Richard. Both his mummy and his sister are big fans and Yaxlich can guarantee that at some point, the Cliff Christmas CD will come out. His mummy will talk about how she saw him in 1963, his sister will drag out her Cliff scrapbook and the CD will magically go onto auto repeat at which point Yaxlich will try to remove his ears with a spoon.

Yaxlich Needs Your Help

One of the things that Yaxlich hates about being out work is the fact that he no longer has any money to buy books. As you probably know, Yaxlich loves books. When he used to work he would regularly go to the bookstore and pick up 3-4 new books a month. Sadly he hasn't been able to afford any new books for months now and, as a result, he now only has 3 books left in his collection that he hasn't read so he needs your help. Which book should he read next? He has just finished reading (again) Rain Men by Marcus Berkmann which is a brilliantly written book about village cricket. The only books left unread are Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield Easy Way To Stop Smoking by Allen Carr There are various reasons why these are the only unread books in his collection and he won't bore you with the reasons why. He'll simply ask his readers to vote and tell him which one to read next.

X Factor Results

Yaxlich is a bit of a saddo because it's Saturday night and he's in on his own watching the X Factor. It's OK, though, because he has some Kronenbourg for company. It's another few minutes until they announce the results but Yaxlich is pretty certain that Leona will win because she has a beautiful voice and deserves to be a multi-million selling recording artist. Yaxlich prefers Rays style of singing. He loves a bit of swing but Leona is the one who has the long term potential to be an international superstar. Still, what does Yaxlich know? He's already backed one loser this week.

Result

Yaxlich would like to congratulate EU Referendum for being voted the best blog in the UK at the 2006 Weblog Awards. Like the true gentlemen that he is, JonnyB came second.

Final Day

Today is the last day you can vote in the Weblog Awards and JonnyB needs your votes. Somehow, in the last 24 hours, the opposition have managed to add somewhere close to 1000 votes to their score. An increase of around 40% overnight. In political terms, this would be referred to as a swing and the BBC would have some crusty guy in a suit standing in front of a meter that measures the swing. This would probably be called the vote-a-matronic. Why should you vote for JonnyB and not the EU Referendum? JonnyB is more representative of what blogging is really all about. His site has created an online community, something which blogging experts all agree is one of the fundamentals behind writing a successful blog. He doesn't rely on using a team of people to write for him. Everything that appears on his site is his own, unique work. Again, a fundamental of blogging. JonnyB is fun. A visit to his site may not give you the answers to lifes questions but it will make you smile and, let's face it, who wants to walk around all day with a face like a smacked bum? Do the blogging public of the UK really want their representative on the world stage to be a blog about politics? There are plenty of other, more qualified sites out their dealing with political content. There is no other site quite like JonnyB's. He is unique. Yaxlich isn't asking for people to blindly vote for JonnyB. Read the two contenders and make your own judgement and ask yourself the question. Which blog captures the essence of blogging best? The final word goes to the awards organisers themselves. When responding to the question in their own Frequently Asked Questions "What are the Weblog Awards all about?", their answer is this: Fun

Blogger Smells Of Big Jobs

Yaxlich has now officially had enough of Blogger and it's bogey ridden Beta product. He refuses to be forced into switching to the new version. Google is trying to make Blogger Alpha/Classic users switch by disabling their ability to leave comments on other peoples blogs unless they 'upgrade' to Beta. He has been unable to leave comments on a lot of his Blogger friends sites over the last week because Google, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to make it nigh on impossible for him to do so. Enough is enough. Yaxlich has never liked bullies and he refuses to be treated like this. Google Blogger modification type people? You smell of big jobs.

Boobless

Inspired by Prometheus' post, Yaxlich got to thinking about technology and how quickly things move on. He remembers when Google, for example, was only used by techy (and frequently tetchy) geeks like him. He recalls the joy of getting a ZX81 for a birthday present. He can still hear the exact sound pattern of his first ever modem. He chuckles over the memory of the sweaty postman delivering a gigantic box which contained a 1GB hard drive. "Yaxlich will never fill a hard drive that big" he said. He also suggested that he preferred Windows 3.1 to Windows 95 because he didn't like all the pictures. Don't start him on DOS... The envy he felt when he saw D**** C****** with a digital watch (Casio, naturally) is something he has not felt since. Not since he first saw Britney Spears with Justin Timberlake, anyway. Whatever happened to calculators? Do they still make them? Can you still type 80087355 into them? It was either Prometheus' post or the out of date beer that Mr E had stored at the back of the food cupboard. Yaxlich is in the Twilight Zone. See? Yaxlich can remember the TV series and doesn't immediately think of the Twiglets advert. It's not quite the same as the William Tell Overture and the Lone Ranger but it's similar. Even now he realises that 99% of his readers won't see the connection between William Tell and the Lone Ranger or even know who the Lone Ranger is. The heady aroma of wee stained Y fronts is upon him. Yaxlich is not 'in' with the kids anymore. He no longer understands their language, has no idea who is top of the Hit Parade and only wears baggy jeans because he's lost about 20lbs and can't afford new ones. There is a saying that Yaxlich once heard: You're only as old as the woman you feel. He thinks it might have been Fred Wedlock who said it. Him or Plato. Regardless of who said it, the only woman Yaxlich feels these days is the old Doris who lives downstairs when he helps her take out her black bags on bin day. She always seems to 'accidentally' stroke Yaxlich's hand whenever she passes the bags out to him. Back to technology. Yaxlich hopes that someone invents something soon which allows him to backup some of his memories so that he can erase the old files and clear up some space on his internal hard drive. They are cluttering up his ROM and the applications required to run them are taking up more than their fair share of RAM too. Yaxlich desperately needs a (brain) dump. He wishes there was some kind of 100GB external hard drive he could use. Sadly, his 3.5 inch floppy won't cut it any more. It's simply not porn being Yaxlich.

Yaxlich Is Not A Teenager

Yaxlich has just taken part in a quiz on the BBC website to see if he understands teenage slang. He scored 5/10 which, apparently, means he's confuzzled. In fairness, he thinks he only scored as many as 5 because the same words kept coming up and he guessed that they had to be right at some point. The same site also says that teenagers use just 20 words for a third of their vocabulary. Yaxlich thinks it's shocking that todays teenagers have such a poor grasp of the spoken word and blames it on the government. In fact he is so incensed that he's going to start a political blog. They seem to be quite popular these days. He's going to call it the Hey You Referendum.

Norfolk 'N' Chance

Yaxlich has just been over to see how JonnyB is getting on in the Weblog Awards thingummy and he is currently in the lead by 141 votes. There are still a couple more days to go so keep on casting your vote for JB. Interestingly enough, the competition has now taken down all of its posts about the awards and is feigning disinterest in the whole thing. They seem to think JonnyB is cheating in some way, dismiss the award as rubbish and say that Jonny is a girl. Yaxlich is pleased to see such intellectual political heavyweights at work. With these guys behind the campaign for an EU referendum, how can it fail?

Fart Family Christmas

Yaxlich has just been sent this link. He laughed so hard that a little bit of wee came out. It's just like Christmas Day with his parents. This is what the people want. This is what wins you awards! Forget political reform, vote for JonnyB and his farting friends.

Hello Dull Political People

Yaxlich would like to say hello to all of the people who are coming to visit him from the EU Referendum site. It would appear that you're not very happy with Yaxlich and his friends for encouraging people to vote every day from lots of different computers for JonnyB in the 2006 Weblog Awards. Oh dear.

Paper Cut

Yaxlich has got a paper cut on his finger. It really stings. He nearly cried when he did it but he didn't because he's brave like that. Why do paper cuts hurt so much? Yaxlich once sawed through the top of his finger and it didn't hurt as much. It was in woodwork class when he was about 13. The girl on the bench next to him had big boobies so she had Yaxlich's undivided attention. As a result, about 30 seconds later, she also had Yaxlich's divided finger. Strangely enough, though, it didn't hurt nearly as much as the paper cut. Yaxlich knows that some medical people sometimes read his blog. Can they answer the question as to why paper cuts hurt so much? Even if you're not a medical person, you can answer but only if you dress up like a nurse. And send pictures.

Political Correctness

Yaxlich has just read an article on the Daily Mail website about the Christmas card being sent out by the Commission for Racial Equality. It seems that even they recognise the fact that political correctness has gone too far. On the same website, Yaxlich saw that only 1 in 100 Christmas cards on sale in British shops feature the baby Jesus. Maybe someone ought to nominate Christmas for the Insignificant Awards because that's the way it seems to be going. Yaxlich has lot's more to say but won't say it because the last time he got serious on his blog he got told off so instead of signing off with a well thought out political comment, he will complete this post by saying he read the original article earlier this morning whilst having a big poo.

Vote Yaxlich

Yaxlich wants JonnyB to win the Bestest UK Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards. However, Yaxlich wants you to vote for him in the most prestigious of all blogging awards. The Insignificant Awards 2007 Well, actually, he needs someone to nominate him first before you can start voting but he'd really like to win because the prize is a packet of biscuits. He hopes they're Bourbons because they're his favourite biscuits. Here's another Post-It note. Put it on the fridge next to the one for JonnyB.

Yaxlich Is Naughty

Yaxlich has just returned from leaving a comment on Girls blog. He never normally reads it because she's a bit rude and talks about playing nudey prod games with people and this makes Yaxlich blush but he saw that she was canvessing for votes for JonnyB too so he thought he would have a sneaky look. After reading her post about getting a massage, Yaxlich is feeling a bit faint and his Beefy McManstick has gone funny. He needs to have a lie down.

2006 Weblog Awards

Yaxlich was not nominated this year. Sadly they didn't have a Best Fart and Poo Blog category. He is hoping that this will be rectified for next years awards. However, one of his favouritest blogs did get nominated in the Best UK Blog category and he thinks that everyone should vote for it. Vote for JonnyB's private secret diary. You can vote every day so Yaxlich has made a handy Post-It note for you. Simply peel it off and stick it on the fridge.

Favourite Googlie

Yaxlich has just been chuckling for about 5 minutes. He went on record the other day saying that his favourite ever Googlie (search phrase entered into Google to find his site) was a fishes arse. That has all changed. Yaxlich would like to thank Google for making him Numero Uno for the search phrase do big bums fart the loudest To the person who typed the question into Google, Yaxlich can give you the answer. No. If you have any more questions relating to flatulence, you know where to come.

Condoms

The BBC website runs a story about condoms being too big for Indian men. Apparently the majority of Indian men have got a small winky. Here is a quote from the article: "The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms" International standard? Yaxlich was not aware that there was such a thing. He has just had a quick check and cannot see any kind of EU branding on his winky. There is no British Standards kitemark or anything. He is now concerned that his winky does not conform to the "international standard". How will he know if his winky does conform or not? Is there somewhere he can go to check? Do they have special EU enforcement officers to ensure that all winkies comply with the regulations? Without the appropriate certification, does it mean that Yaxlich will have to deposit his in a bin outside the local police station at the next Winky Amnesty?

Work

Yaxlich has just got home from work. Yes, that's right. You can read that sentence again although it might be easier if he types it again so Yaxlich has just got home from work. It was only a days works and he can't tell you what he was doing because it's a secret but he had a day of work today which will mean he will get some money and everything. He will have to tell the people at the vegetable soup place because he doesn't want to get in trouble and got to prison because he's a Taxi Vader.

Peruvian Botty

Whilst checking his Site Meter stats, Yaxlich discovered that somebody came to visit him via Google after typing in the search phrase Peruvian botty. He wonders if Mr E is missing the Agoraphobic Peruvian....

Britney (Again)

Yaxlich has just read on the BBC website that Britney Spears was the most searched for term of 2006 using Yahoo's search engine. The Beeb suggest that her divorce from Fed-Ex that has been keeping her in the news. Yaxlich thinks it has more to do with the pictures of her flashing her front bottom.

Sad News

Yaxlich has just read some very sad news and is feeling quite emotional at the moment. The bathmat has gone. For the last month, the bathmat has been a major part of his life. He looked forward to waking each morning to hear news of it's whereabouts. What adventures had befallen it in the previous 24 hours? Would the Seat Ibiza be parked on it again? Who was the mysterious suitcase? Each day was new, fresh and exciting and now he feels emotionally drained by this tragic news. A bathmat in the prime of it's life. Gone. Yaxlich doesn't feel like blogging at the moment. There will be more posts but there will never be another bathmat.

No Boobies

Yaxlich has just got back from another trip into London. Sadly there were no big boobies today which makes him think his theory about a gated community of large breasted ladies might be true. On the train on the way home, he thought about girls with big boobies. This is not unusual. However he was wondering what you would call a town inhabited only by well endowed ladies. Do any of his readers have any ideas?

Christmas Shopping

Before the agoraphobic Peruvian returned to the land of her forefathers, she insisted on putting up a Christmas tree in the lounge. It's only a small tree. It's about three feet high and she decorated it with some tinsel and some lights and put some presents underneath it. There's even one for Yaxlich which he is excited about. Christmas is three weeks away and Yaxlich has not got any presents for anyone yet. Like most years he is going to leave it until Christmas Eve. He once heard the following saying: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done This is especially true when it comes to Christmas shopping. If you make a list of presents to buy in advance, you are setting yourself up for a fall. What if the present isn't available? What if it's sold out? Suddenly all the pre-planning is useless and you need to start again from scratch and you begin to question your purchasing decisions anyway and before you know it you have picked up two presents for everyone just in case they don't like the first one. You then need to wrap the presents and find somewhere to hide them from prying eyes for the next few weeks. You manage to do this with a week to go and congratulate yourself for your forward thinking only you can't remember exactly what you got everyone and panic sets in and, before you know it, you're queuing to get into the car park again. The Yaxlich approach is the most efficient and cost effective way. The adrenaline rush of that last minute dash to the shops focuses the mind so that purchases are made using a combination of logic and availability. If all of the presents can be purchased from the first shop nearest the lift from the car park, all the better. Precision purchasing. That's the name of the game.

Beer

Yaxlich has been very good this week and not had any beer. He likes beer. It makes him feel all grown up and everything. Grown ups drink beer although some grown ups drinks too much beer and that makes them fat and their winky not work properly. Tonight he has had some beer and he feels a bit squiffy. He is having to concentrate very hard on which keys he is hitting. As far as he can tell his winky is still working properly so that's OK. Do you have any questions you would like to ask Yaxlich whilst he's a little bit inebriated? He promises he'll answer as best as he can. He'll even do his best to get the letters in the right order and everything.

Big Brother

Yaxlich reads that Channel 4 have secured the rights to Big Brother until 2010. He wonders if there will be enough cross dressing, mentally unbalanced, foul mouthed, silicone enhanced, fame hungry loonies to fill another four series. Sadly he already knows the answer to that one.