Number One In Google

Yaxlich has just been looking at the data supplied by Site Meter for his blog. He likes looking at the numbers and the graphs. He also likes seeing how people found his blog. Someone came to visit him yesterday by typing the phrase "a fishes arse" into Google. Yaxlich is immensely proud to see that he is 1st out of 65,500 results. He is also number one for the term "mutant eyebrows" out of 123,000 results. "agoraphobic Peruvian" - first out of 19,000. He is only number 8 out of 34,700 for "betty swollocks" so he must improve on that one.

Critique My Blog

Yaxlich has had his blog reviewed by Billy Mac over at the Critique My Blog site. He is very pleased that Billy enjoyed reading The World of Yaxlich. It has made him smile.

Yaxlich Might Have Cheered Up A Little

He's just read a very funny post over at Little Red Boat about being sick. He thinks he might have cheered up a little bit. He'll let you know.

Twitching Eye

In addition to feel blue, Yaxlich has also got some kind of twitching thing going on with his right eye. It's not the actual eye that's doing the twitching, it's the muscle above the eye but below the eyebrow. He is concerned that it's more mutant eyebrows being born under the skin and that they'll be born in a John Hurt Alien stylee. He'll let you know.

Yaxlich Is Blue

He doesn't mean he's like a smurf or anything, he just feels a bit down today. He doesn't know why. Nothing has particularly made him feel this way. He just feels a bit...y'know...blue. He's going to go for a walk in the park later this afternoon. Perhaps that'll cheer him up. He'll let you know.

Daddy Longlegs

For a long time Yaxlich has wondered what the point of daddy longlegs was. Outside of flying into lightbulbs and giving Yaxlich the creeps, they don't appear to do much else. Today the BBC News website has answered the question and Yaxlich is relieved to find out that they actually have a purpose. The article is called What's the point of daddy longlegs? which he thinks is an excellent title. It tells you exactly what to expect. Anyway, it would appear that the sole purpose of daddy longlegs is to be a food source for other creatures. That must be a bit of a bummer. There you are, a young larvae burrowing your way into the earth to get at some tasty grass roots, munching on an old leaf and hanging out with your larvae friends. Nobody ever mentions the fact that you're an orphan because everyone else is an orphan. No one ever stops to question why, it's just what being a larvae is all about. It somehow creates a sense of unity. You're all part of one big orphan gang wearing your leather jackets. Conversation turns to what you're going to be when you grow up. Rumour has it that after you reach pupaety you turn into a daddy longlegs. They sound really cool! They sound like the superhero of the insect world. Who's your daddy (longlegs)? Boy larvae meets girl larvae and everything is rosy in the garden until one day you bump into a beetle. His name is Ringo. You tell him your plans for the future and that one day you're going to be a daddy longlegs. He laughs at you and tells you that you're only going to live for two weeks and the sole reason you're on the planet is to be eaten by spiders and birds. All of your hopes and dreams have been shattered in an instant. You'd planned to marry this girl larvae, have baby larvae and stay together for all eterntity. You didn't want your baby larvae to grow up without a mother and father like you did. You wanted to take your baby larvae down to the park and play football. You wanted to watch them grow up and now this is never going to happen. You are distraught. Small larvae sized tears well up in your eyes. "One other thing", Ringo says as he saunters off to do whatever it is that beetles do, "although you only live for two weeks, your purpose is to mate as much as you can before you snuff it". Oh well, maybe it's not so bad being a daddy longlegs.

Mimi Movie Meme

Yaxlich thinks that this sounds like the kind of thing that the kids from Fame would use as a vocal warm up before classes. However it is actually part of a series of pages by Mimi Lenox. Yaxlich thinks it's great that Mimi is queen of the memes too. http://bookmemecentral.blogspot.com/ http://moviememecentral.blogspot.com/

Blogger Woes Again

Yaxlich has been trying, and failing, to connect to Blogger sites today. He has finally been able to read his own site for the first time in hours and was not surprised to see that he hadn't updated it all day. He wonders if it has anything to do with Blogger Beta which was being tested. Has Google broken Blogger because of the new version of the software? He is seriously thinking of moving his blog to WordPress because that is what all the cool kids in the playground are using.

Raging Boll

Yaxlich has just read an interesting article on the BBC News website where a German film maker, Uwe Boll, got so tired of getting bad reviews that he took on four film critics in a boxing match and beat them up. As he said in his Movie Meme, Yaxlich rarely agrees with film critics but has never thought to beat them up. With this in mind, though, he is going to say that he hates Kylie Minogue records and if she wants a piece of him then he's happy to take her on at naked mud wrestling.

Movie Meme

Yaxlich was tagged by Lizza to complete the Movie Meme which was started by Morgen over at It's a Blog Eat Blog World. 1. The last movie you saw in a theater, and current-release movie you still want to see. He has not been to a cinema in a long time. The last film he went to see was Revenge of the Sith. He would like to see the new Superman film but at the moment is not working so will have to wait for it to come on terrestrial TV. 2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing. The last film that he purchased in a shop was The Longest Day. He had just finished reading D-Day by Stephen E. Ambrose and wanted to watch the film again. 3. A movie that made you laugh out loud. Lots of films have made him laugh out loud. The Carry On series was a favourite of his because of the double entendre. Yaxlich once went into a cocktail bar and ordered a double entendre. The barman gave him one. In terms of recent films, the Austin Powers series made him laugh. Yaxlich rarely laughs out loud. He tends to laugh internally. People assume that he has wind/gas* (delete where applicable depending on whether you speaking English or American) 4. A movie that made you cry. Beaches. He blubbed like a baby the first time he saw that. In fact the song 'Wind Beneath My Wings' still makes him well up. Schindlers List was another. Yaxlich cries a lot, you know. He's a very emotional person. He will be watching X Factor tonight and expects there to be a Kleenex moment. He will then change channels to one of the German stations and be keeping the Kleenex handy. 5. A movie that was a darling of the critics but you didn't think lived up to the hype. The Day After Tomorrow got rave reviews from a lot of the British press. Yaxlich thought it was pants. 6. A movie that you thought was better than the critics. Yaxlich can't think of a specific movie but he rarely agrees with the critics. 7. Favourite animated movie. Shrek. Both films have made Yaxlich laugh so hard that a little dribble of wee has come out. 8. Favourite Disney Villain. Minnie Mouse. Yaxlich thinks she is a scheming, manipulative bitch who is only after Mickey for his money but he thinks she does it in such a cutesy way that he admires her. He is suprised nobody has outed her in an Anna Nicole Smith stylee. 9. Favourite movie musical. There are lots of films that Yaxlich loves because of the music contained within them including The Blues Brothers, Quadrophenia and The Commitments but in terms of favourite strictly musical, Oliver! absolutely has to be his favourite. 10. Favourite movies of all time (up to five) In no particular order : Star Wars The entire series including Phantom Menace which he agrees was pants but it starts the story and every story has to start somewhere. Even now, the opening bars of the theme tune remind Yaxlich of when he was much smaller and went to the cinema with his daddy to see the first film. The Commitments Yaxlich loves all of the old style soul music and he thinks that Alan Parker made a truly excellent film in The Commitments. It captures the rawness of live performance in a way that no other music movie has. Cross of Iron Sam Peckinpah's excellent war film. Yaxlich doesn't know why he loves this film so much but he does. It was the first of his films which he upgraded from VHS to DVD. Withnail and I Yaxlich had probably seen all of this film in 10 minute bursts over the course of a couple of years. Normally it was at midnight just before he fell asleep on the sofa with a half eaten kebab in front of him. When he finally sat down and watched it all for the first time, he enjoyed it so much he watched it again immediately afterwards. He has not ever played the Withnail and I drinking game, though. The Shawshank Redemption Everyone loves this film and yet nobody can say exactly what it is that they love about it. Yaxlich is the same. There are so many things good about this film that it has to be in the top 5. One of those films that regardless of how many times he has seen it, he will make a point of sitting down and watching it again. Tag Five Bloggers To Complete The Meme Sim, Jim, Prometheus, Terra Shield, Lily

OneWebDay

Yaxlich has learned that today is something called OneWebDay where everyone is supposed to celebrate online life. Yaxlich hopes that this involves cake as he likes cake. Particularly chocolate cake. Apparently he is supposed to tell people how the internet has affected his life. For him it means that he can meet lots of people from around the world without having to leave the house. He thinks this is great. It's not like he's agoraphobic or anything. Not like the Peruvian. It just means that he can meet interesting people without having to put his outside shoes on. The internet is a wonderful thing and he thanks Al Gore for inventing it. Jim told him that. The internet teaches you lots of things. Yaxlich is supposed to leave a tag about OneWebDay to let people know that he knows. Here is Yaxlich's tag. OneWebDay. There. Done. Now he can get back to writing about movies for Lizza.

Tagablog

Lizza has tagged Yaxlich. Lizza lives in Metro Manila. Metro Manila is in the Philippines. They speak Tagalog in the Philippines. Did you see what Yaxlich did there?

Richard Hammond

Yaxlich is sad to see that Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond has suffered significant brain damage following the 300mph crash he was involved in whilst filming for the popular BBC series. The BBC website quotes Mr Hammonds father as saying "At the moment we are not sure if he is going to live or die. His children are very confused." Yaxlich's thoughts are with Richard Hammond and his family and he hopes that he makes a quick recovery

Books Are The New Black

Yaxlich has watched the book meme float around the world. He was passed it by Sim who was passed it by Zoe who was passed it by Martine who was passed it by StrangeStuff who was passed it by...someone else. The one thing that has pleased Yaxlich beyond everything is how passionate people are about books. For a long time he thought he was somewhat anally retentive about his books and how much they meant to him. He is so glad that other people appreciate and understand good writing. The English language is a beautiful thing. Yaxlich asks that we do not ever forget that.

Blogger Broken Again

Yaxlich feels that he has broken Blogger in some way. He couldn't get on to the site at all earlier today. He hates to think that he has broken Blogger and stopped the enjoyment of many people because he had the audacity to want to post something.

Yaxlich Is Cool

Yaxlich is cool. Lizza says so. This makes Yaxlich happy. He has never been referred to as cool before. Today he is going to spend the day doing what cool people do. He's not too sure exactly what this entails. His only reference is The Fonz from Happy Days. Yaxlich is going to spend the day dressed in leather whilst hanging round a burger bar with a group of boys who are much younger than him and who still go to school. At regular intervals he will take one of the boys into the gentlemans toilet to have a chat.

Books

Yaxlich was reading Sim's Blog this morning and sees that he has been tagged. At first he was rather worried. He has read about tags and ASBOs and thought that he had done something wrong which would involve delivering meals on wheels to pensioners who dribble a lot and smell of wee. Fortunately he realised that this was not the case and that being tagged by Sim only meant that he had to complete something called a meme about books. 1. One book that changed your life - the hardest question first. Every book that Yaxlich has read has changed his life. They have all enriched his life in one way or another. He very much believes that life is a continual process of self improvement and by reading a book he has added to his life experience in some way. Books that have had significant spiritual effect on Yaxlich have been The Bible and The Qur'an but, equally, a single paragraph in Richard Harris' biography by Michael Feeney Callan has considerably changed his life so he doesn't think that one book has had more effect that any other. 2. One book that you've read more than once. He has read many books more than once. The most recent one, he thinks, was Mr Commitment by Mike Gayle. He thinks the book he has read the most was The Machine Gunners by Robert Westall. He remembers reading this book as a child, finishing it and then starting it all over again. 3. One book that you'd want on a desert island. The Lonely Planet Guide To The Desert Island You Are Stuck On. 4. One book that made you laugh. Rain Men by Marcus Berkmann. Yaxlich loves the game of cricket and plays for a village team. When he first read Rain Men he laughed so hard that he had an accident in his underpants. There are so many pages in the book which reminded Yaxlich of the team that he plays for and he thoroughly recommends it to anyone that has played cricket, watched cricket, been a cricket widow or who just wants a laugh. 5. One book that made you cry. Yaxlich is a sensitive soul. Lot's of things make him cry even when they shouldn't. He watched X Factor at the weekend and had a little moment when the girl in the wheelchair got through to the next round. He is a bit soppy like that. He admits to having a blub when reading Man and Boy by Tony Parsons. He also cried when he read D-Day by Stephen E. Ambrose because of the sacrifices made by so many brave men to protect a free world. He wonders how those men would have felt if they knew what would become of the free world 60 years later. 6. One book that you wish you had written. Yaxlich has never read any of the Harry Potter books. He watched one Harry Potter film and didn't really enjoy it much. However he wishes that he'd written the first Harry Potter book because he would now be a millionaire and have enough money to buy underpants and wouldn't have to go to the vegetable soup place every two weeks. 7. One book you wish had never been written. Yaxlich cannot think of any book he wishes had never been written because of his answer to question 1. 8. One book that you are reading at the moment. Yaxlich has two books on his bedside cabinet at the moment. One is Dear Boy: The Life of Keith Moon by Tony Fletcher. The other is Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche. One of them is a light hearted book exploring the life of a drug crazed lunatic. The other is the book about Keith Moon. 9. One book that you've been meaning to read. The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. A friend of Yaxlich's has insisted that he read this as it will change his life. As far as Yaxlich can see the book is about spiritual awareness and awakening which ultimately leads you to vibrate a lot. He doesn't understand the vibrating bit but has promised his friend for the last ten years that he will read it. Another book that has been gathering dust on his bookshelf is Alan Carr's EasyWay to Stop Smoking. 10. Five others that you’d like to do this. This is the bit where Sim tagged him so he is going to tag Reeholio, Lizza, Tish, Richard and ExAfrica.

Withdrawal Symptoms

Blogspot has been broken for most of the day. Yaxlich was unable to visit all of his friends. This made him very sad. He sat in the corner and whimpered. It reminded him of a dream he used to have when he was smaller than he is now. In the dream all of his friends at school used to ignore him and make him cry and then they all disappeared leaving him on his own in the playground. He hopes Google don't do that to him again.

Starbucks

Yaxlich has just read that a Starbucks customer is suing the company for $114m for withdrawing a free drink voucher. The woman's lawyer says that this equals the cost of drinks for all those turned away when the company decided to cancel its offer. Now Yaxlich understands why America is called the land of opportunity.

Blogging Winkies

Older readers of Yaxlich's blog will remember when he discovered a dog in America that wrote a blog. When Yaxlich says his older readers he doesn't mean those who are in the autumn of their lives or blogging from a rest home, he means those who have been reading his blog since the beginning. Or at least those who have read his older posts. Today Yaxlich has discovered a blog where a man lets his winky write for him. The blog is called Citizen of the Month and is written by a man called Neil. Every now and then he let's his winky write a post - an example is here. Yaxlich can't imagine what kind of a country America is where they have blogging dogs and blogging winkies.

Wednesday Is Vegetable Soup Day

Yaxlich has just returned from the Job Centre which he has to visit every two weeks. It still smells of vegetable soup and is still a very unpleasant place to visit but it does mean that Yaxlich can indulge in one of his favourite past times. People watching. There are all sorts of people at the Soup Place. One of his favourites is a woman who clearly suffered from mutant eyebrows at some point in the past. As a result she has either plucked them all out or had them waxed off. What she now does is draw them on. With a big thick marker pen. In the dark. With her eyes closed.

Steve Irwin Again

Yaxlich was looking on the BBC website for something to blog about today and saw an article which suggests that fans of Steve Irwin have been cutting off the tails of stingrays in Australia in revenge attacks. He finds this absolutely amazing and can't believe that anyone would be so stupid as to think that mutilating these beautiful creatures will achieve anything. Even though Yaxlich wasn't a fan of Mr Irwin's, he is certain that he would not want something like this done in his name. However the main reason for bringing this to the attention of readers of Yaxlich's blog is the other article associated with it on the BBC website. Yaxlich hasn't had to courage to click on the link for fear of what he'll find. He would like to ask someone to go to the original article on the BBC website and then click on the heading "Irwin cleared after penguin probe" and let him know what it's about as he's feeling a little queasy.

5 Years On

Yaxlich can't believe that it's 5 years since the horror of 9/11. His thoughts are with the family and friends of those who died that day.

Star Trek

Yaxlich has just read that it is Star Trek's 40th anniversary this weekend. Cast members and fans are attending a three day festival of all things Trek in Seattle which is in America where they also have the internet. The original TV series only lasted 3 years but there have been a number of spin off series and 10 feature films to keep fans happy. Yaxlich has a friend who is a real Trekkie. He has collected Star Trek memorabilia from all around the world. He has every series of the spin offs on DVD. Pride of place on his wall is a signed photo of him dressed as a Klingon with one of the cast members from The Next Generation taken at a Star Trek convention. He has Star Trek wallpaper. Star Trek clocks. Star Trek phones. Yaxlich is certain that the Nerd Alert in Seattle has been working overtime this weekend.

Fawlty Towers

Yaxlich's housemate is watching Fawlty Towers on the TV with his Peruvian girlfriend. They are watching the episode with the German guest. Yaxlich has just overheard his housemate trying to explain the classic scene described below from Fawltysite.net Basil then proceeds to mention the war at every opportunity, upsetting the German guests more and more as he rapidly descends into a fit of xenophobic ranting about everything and everyone that most Germans would rather forget.When the fed up German asks Basil to stop going on about the war, Basil kindly reminds him that they started it. “We did not start it,” protests the German. “Yes you did, you invaded Poland”, replies Basil! The Peruvian didn't get it. Yaxlich wonders whether if Peru had an equivalent cult TV comedy whether or not he would get it either. As far as he knows from his limited experience with Peruvians, they don't go out much and their national food is guinea pigs. He can't imagine it would be on a par with Fawlty Towers.

Crikey, It's Khaki Friday

Yaxlich has avoided mentioning Steve Irwin this week. As far as he could see, pretty much every other blog in the world was doing a good enough job (Technorati tags for Steve Irwin - Search Technorati for Steve Irwin). Today, however, Yaxlich is breaking his silence. In Australia, where they have been talking about giving Steve Irwin a state funeral, it has been declared "Crikey, It's Khaki Friday" and everyone is urged to wear khaki for the day in memory of the TV personality. Yaxlich doesn't watch much TV but from what he can remember Steve Irwin was the man who dangled his baby in front of a crocodile. Yaxlich thinks it's strange that an entire nation should go into mourning for a man who risked his babies life for publicity.

Sheep Poo

Yaxlich is confused. In fact he is more confused than normal. He has just read about a company in Wales that has been given a £20,000 ($37,500) Millenium award for "social entrepreneurship". The company is called Creative Paper Wales and they're based in Snowdonia. They have a product called Sheep Poo Paper. They collect sheep poo, wash it, sterilise it and then turn it into paper. Yaxlich has never trusted the Welsh and this hasn't helped him one little bit. The one question that has been running through his mind ever since he read the article on the BBC website is : How did they discover that sheep poo could be turned into paper?

Passwords

Yaxlich had a mental block this morning trying to log on to Blogger. He couldn't remember his password. Yaxlich probably uses this password 2-3 times a day but this morning the part of his brain which stores all of his passwords was unavailable. He stared at the screen for some time before making himself another cup of coffee. He then had a poo (it's Thursday and SHE will be here in less than 8 hours), came back to his computer but still couldn't remember it. He thought about trying a combination of the different passwords he has for other programs but was worried that Blogger would block him if he got it wrong 3 times in a row like the cashpoint does. Fortunately after another cup of coffee he remembered it and decided to blog about the fact that he had forgotten his password. He has now written it down in a secret book in case he forgets it again. He has written on the front of the book "Secret Password Book" just in case he forgets that too.

Marmite

Yaxlich is disturbed to read that Marmite has changed it's recipe. Apparently the new version is thinner, more runny and less yeasty. He discovered this on Tim Worstall's blog which is called Tim Worstall's blog. Yaxlich is a big fan of Marmite and will be heading off to CostCutter in the morning to buy a jar of the new product. If he does not like the new recipe he will be starting a petition to bring back the old recipe. Quite possibly he will start a campaign. He might picket Buckingham Palace. Yaxlich will not allow this to happen.

More Petite Twat

The interviews with petite anglais and Zoe were on Radio 4 this morning. In case you missed it Yaxlich has posted a link here : Meet the Bloggers Yaxlich had a big grin on his face when he was listening to the show.

Health Kick

Over the weekend Yaxlich read two articles in the newspaper which have inspired him to go on a major health kick. The first was that eating onion bhajis can slash the risk of colon cancer. American scientists, who also have access to the internet, say that the traditional curry starter cuts the size and number of pre-cancerous growths called polyps and the chemicals in the onions and yellow spice tumeric ward of cancer. The very next article said that researchers at St Thomas' Hospital in London had found that beer is good for bones because of it's high silicon content. As a result Yaxlich will be going out tonight to the local tandoori to have an extra large helping of onion bhajis and wash them down with several pints of Cobra beer.

When Eyebrows Go Bad

Yaxlich woke up this morning and went to the bathroom to clean his teeth. Imagine his surprise and dismay when he discovered another mutant eyebrow hair. He is certain that it was not there when he went to sleep. This thing has grown overnight and taken the Daddy spot in less than 12 hours. Listening to the advice of Lizza, Marnie, Jim, Terra Shield, Reeholio and ExAfrica, he has avoided performing any plucking type activities for the last few weeks. As a result the mutants have annexed his left eyebrow and are preparing their invasion of the right eyebrow as he types. He fears the diplomatic crisis caused by plucking the Daddy would require the intervention of Kofi Annan or Condoleeza Rice to prevent an all out hair war on his face with the nostril and ear hairs forming an axis of evil with the mutant renegades. Yaxlich doesn't know what to do about the escalating crisis occurring above his eyes.

Yaxlich Is Gay

Yaxlich has a confession to make. He smokes. He knows that some of his readers will be very disappointed with this news. He is sorry. He has been smoking for the last 20 years and has tried a lot of different ways to give up but has failed so far. Anyway, Yaxlich's housemate doesn't smoke so he feels it's only fair to smoke outside. Whilst outside he overheard a conversation between the daughter of his next door neighbour and her friend. His next door neighbours teenage daughter is very blessed in the chest department. From here on in Yaxlich will refer to her as BBG (Big Boobied Girl). BBG : There he is again. Having a smoke. Big Boobied Girls Friend (BBGF) : He looks alright BBG : Oh I wouldn't worry about him BBGF : Why not? BBG : Cuz they're a couple of poofters BBGF : What? BBG : Yeah. Him and his mate. They're gay BBGF : Oh right And that's where it ended. So Yaxlich is gay because he shares a house with another man. As far as he remembers he hasn't ever flounced down the road singing Judy Garland songs at the top of his voice. He has never been to the Blue Oyster Bar. He has never grown a handlebar moustache. However BBG thinks Yaxlich is gay.

Clenchometer RIP

Yaxlich has just heard possibly the loudest fart in history. He doesn't think that a sperm whale with a megaphone could be any louder. This thing shook the windows in his bedroom. He doesn't know if it was the agoraphobic Peruvian or if it was his housemate. Either way, the Clenchometer is a thing of the past. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Suddenly Yaxlich is looking forward to his weekends again.

Little Red Boat

Yaxlich has just spent the last hour listening to the interview with Anna Pickard for the Meet the Bloggers radio show. He thinks she is just as funny when she is talking as she is when she is writing. She also sounds quite saucy and she made his Beefy McManstick go funny. Yaxlich likes the Little Red Boat blog. A lot.

Yaxlich Has A Hangover

Yaxlich has got a bit of a sore head this morning. His hands are shaking a little bit. His stomach is churning and the Clenchometer is currently reading Elevated. His eyes are having difficulty focusing on the screen for any length of time and it is taking him approximately twice as long to type as it usually does. Last night he had one or two glasses of beer to celebrate receiving the Bestest Blog of the Day award. This morning he is suffering the consequences. Yesterday Yaxlich received over 100 visitors to his blog for the first time and a record number of comments to a post so he is very grateful to everyone who stopped by. Yaxlich enjoys blogging because it allows him to meet new people from around the world. He doesn't get out much.

Bestest Blog Of The Day

Yaxlich has been out all morning and has just turned on his computer for the first time and discovered an email from Bobby Griffin who is from America, where they also have the internet, telling him that he is the winner of Bestest Blog of the Day for today! Yaxlich is stunned by this news. Until he started blogging, the only thing he had ever won in his life was the competition at school to see who had the silliest name. Now in the space of a month he has won two awards! Yaxlich would like to thank Bobby for giving his this prestigious award. He'd also like to thank everyone who is reading this post regardless of whether it's their first visit to see Yaxlich or their hundredth visit. He hopes that you enjoy reading his blog as much as he enjoys writing it. Which is quite a lot, mostly.