Yaxlich's bedtime cheese experiment didn't really result in anything of any note. He was a little disappointed, to be honest. He'd heard great things about people having weird and bizarre dreams following late night cheese feasts and, if the truth be told, his own dream was a little disappointing.
He can't remember all of the details but it started with Yaxlich running down the Great West Road in Brentford being pursued by a giant Lucozade bottle which was being driven by Sheena Easton. There were enormous Hiwatt speakers attached to the sides of the bottle which were blaring out "Modern Girl". Sheena was dressed in a cowgirls outfit and was trying to lasso Yaxlich with licorice string.
As Yaxlich ran under the M4, he took a sharp turn down Ealing Road and ran into a pub next to Brentford Football Club. As anyone who has ever done a pub quiz will know, Brentford is the only football ground in the country with a pub on all four corners. Anyway, he digresses. Inside he found JonnyB and The Girl playing the fruit machine. One of them was wearing a skintight PVC outfit with an enormous strap on dildo attached to the crotch area. The Girl was just wearing jeans and a My Boyfriend Is A Twat t-shirt.
As he looked around the pub, he saw a number of familiar bloggers who were all present for a meeting of some kind. He can't remember what it was for but it must have been jolly important because nearly every blogger he knows was in there. Of course Yaxlich doesn't know what the majority of bloggers look like but, somehow in his dream, he recognised everyone so Anna was knitting a jumper in the corner, Diamond Geezer was reproducing a map of the London Underground using only discarded cigarette ends, Ignorminious was asking Petite Anglaise for tips on hand rearing otters, Mr Biffo was wearing his stormtroopers outfit and entertaining everyone with his best Joe Pasquale impression. Wendz, Zoe and Sim were all playing a game a darts whilst An Unreliable Witness was challenging Non Working Monkey to an arm wrestle.
Along one wall were a collection of giant plasma screen TVs with live satellite links to overseas bloggers including Lizza, Sanni, Guyana Girl, MTS and Prometheus. Whatever was happening was big. This could be some kind of blogging revolution kicking off in The Princess Royal.
However Sheena came bursting through the doors followed by an army of dwarves. Instantly everyone else in the pub disappeared leaving only Yaxlich whimpering in the corner. As Sheena walked towards him, her face morphed into Bill Gates and he-she began to chuckle menacingly. Sheena-Bill told Yaxlich that he had turned to the Dark Side by switching to Firefox and that he would be punished. One of the dwarves produced a boxed copy of Vista and began thwapping Yaxlich around the head with it until everything went black.
 When Yaxlich awoke he found that he was strapped to a chair in the middle of a giant amphitheatre. On the seats were dwarves drinking litre steins of dandelion and burdock, green monkeys throwing poo and a menacing looking 8 foot duck. He was being guarded by Tish who was sitting astride the Lucozade bottle and taking great delight in preparing a rubber gimp mask to put over Yaxlich's head. As Sheena-Bill strode into the amphitheatre to raucous cheers from the dwarves, he-she was followed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The Hiwatt speakers began pumping out the 12" remix of "Morning Train" and Sheena-Bill introduced the Pillsbury Dough Boy as being Mr Google who was also unhappy with Yaxlich for considering moving to WordPress.
Mr Google produced a huge Samurai sword from somewhere (possibly the vendor in the corner selling unfeasibly large 8th Century weapons) and announced to the baying crowd, or at least those which weren't more interested in throwing poo at each other, that Yaxlich was to be executed for crimes against the Judean People's Front.
Suddenly Helen Mirren came bursting through the doors riding a unicorn and brandishing JonnyB's enormous strap on which she used to bludgeon Mr Google to death. In the meanwhile, Sheena-Bill escaped in a helicopter made out of raspberry jelly whilst Tish drove off on the Lucozade bottle into the sunset accompanied by George Clooney.
And that's when he woke up so, as you can see, cheese categorically does not give you strange dreams. |
