Nobody Home

Tonight is Halloween. As far as Yaxlich is aware, it is a very big thing in America (where they also have the internet) and everyone celebrates it. Well everyone apart from Michael Myers although he probably has a good time too. In England it seems that something has got lost in translation. Rather than being a cause for celebration and merriment, Halloween is seen as an excuse for the hoodie wearing yoof of England to perform something akin to a door-to-door protection racket. Yaxlich once had a stink bomb thrown through his letterbox because he refused to give money to some downy pubed oik. He really wants to watch the Barcelona-Chelsea game on the television tonight. He thinks that he is going to have to spend the evening with all of the lights out underneath a duvet which he gaffer tapes to the back of the TV.

Yaxlich Is SAD

In the early hours of Sunday morning the clocks went back. Yaxlich didn't notice them doing it because he was asleep at the time. When he woke up, he saw that all the clocks had changed by magic although Mr E suggested that he had had something to do with that and called Yaxlich a lazy git for getting up so late. Since Sunday morning Yaxlich has been sad. Today he felt so sad that he didn't even want to blog but did anyway with the Italian transvestite thingummy because he was scared people wouldn't come back to see him anymore if he didn't blog today. He thinks it's because he suffers from SAD, although he's not sure. SAD stands for seasonal affective disorder. The Wikipedia* definition is this: Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, also known as winter depression is an affective, or mood disorder. Most SAD sufferers experience normal mental health throughout most of the year, but experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer. SAD is rare, if existent at all, in the tropics, but is measurably present at latitudes of 30°N (or S) and higher. When he wakes up it is dark. When he goes to bed it is dark. The bit in the middle of the day is briefly light but then dark again. He would hate to live in Iceland where it's dark 25 hours a day. That wouldn't be very much fun at all. Unless you were a torch battery salesman. * - Wikipedia is Yaxlich's friend. He likes Wikipedia a lot. It's one of his favourite websites. It is so full of useful information that it makes him want to run around the room shouting "Wiki! Wiki!" at the top of his voice. He never does, though.

Arthur Or Martha?

Yaxlich has just read an interesting article on the Reuters website about the fuss an MP has caused in the Italian parliament. Vladimir Luxuria was kicked out of the ladies toilets in the parliament building and equally was not welcome in the gents toilet because "she" is a transvestite. Apparently the Italian government are considering building a "transgender" lavatory.

Evening Standard

Yaxlich went to the shops this morning and noticed the Evening Standard headline that was displayed outside the newsagent. TORY MP IN SEX SCANDAL Yaxlich wonders whether or not the people at the Evening Standard were simply using up old stock that they'd had lying around for the last 10 years or if they'd got a bulk discount at the printers.

Women

Last night Yaxlich was watching the football with his housemate. It was a typical boys night in where conversation rarely extended beyond the occasional monosyllabic grunt which, depending on the occasion, translated into: "Would you like a beer, old boy?" "That was a shocking tackle, wasn't it?" "So what do you think of the socio-economic demographic for Latin America that was published in The Times this morning? Shocking reading, what?" Just after half time a female friend of his housemate (who he will now refer to as Mr E as it takes less time to type) turned up at the flat. Despite the fact that Yaxlich and Mr E were clearly watching the football, she spent the next hour or so talking incessantly. Whilst this vexed Yaxlich a trifle (he didn't lick himself this time), the point that he wants to raise here is whether or not women have some kind of genetic defect which allows them to talk for an hour about nothing whatsoever. She sat and wittered on for an hour oblivious to the fact that when Yaxlich or Mr E grunted in a monosyllabic style to her that it did not translate into any of the above but "Shut up, woman, we're watching the football". Her blitherings seemed to have no purpose. They appeared to be random points, opinions and phrases loosely collected into a series of vague sentences. They had neither a beginning, a middle or an end. When men speak it is normally because they have a reason for doing so and not just because they have forgotten what their voice sounds like. There is a problem to be solved or a question that requires an answer. Women, on the other hand, appear to view silence as being something evil which should always be filled with banal banter. If Mr E's female friend is reading this, Yaxlich would like to set the record straight. On a scale of 1-10, the colour of the tiles in your bathroom ranks somewhere towards the lower end of the scale. It is joined with the answer to what dress you should wear to a wedding that isn't taking place for another 8 months, who should win this years X Factor, whether or not Robbie's new album is any good, how shockingly expensive organic food is in Sainsbury's, whether or not you should stay for 1 or 2 days at the wedding hotel (which still isn't taking place for another 8 months) and what to buy your work colleague, who Yaxlich has never met, as a leaving gift. The result of a meaningless cup tie played in torrential rain between two teams that neither Mr E or Yaxlich support is an 8. Possibly a 9.

Mimi Mental Meme

Mimi has tagged Yaxlich with a meme. Apparently he has to list 9 weird things about himself. He has found this very difficult because he's not weird but he feels compelled to complete the meme because Mimi is Queen Meme. She might lock him in a tower and cut his head off if he doesn't and he thinks that sounds quite nasty. + When he does a number one, he always sits down. Like a girl. He thinks it's connected with when he was much smaller than he is now and couldn't control his Beefy McManstick when having a wee wee and his mummy used to tell him off for doing a widdle on the floor. + He often rehearses a phone call before actually making it. + When he was about 13 he had a friend called Norman. He was distraught when his dog, Sheppie, ate Norman one day. His mummy told him not to be so stupid because Norman was only a hazelnut. + He once did a blow off that was timed at 16 seconds. This isn't particularly weird in itself. What is weird is that one of his friends actually timed it on his Casio digital watch because he was the only boy in the class who had a digital watch and he wanted to show off. The boy with the watch, not Yaxlich. Although thinking about it, it's quite impressive and he's sure that people still talk about it. + He is obsessed with clean finger nails. For some genetic reason his finger nails attract a lot of dirt under them even when he's not been anywhere his fingers could get dirty. He can clean them one minute and the next they've already started collecting finger nail gunk. + He can't cook rice. Yaxlich loves rice but he can't cook it. It always turns into some soggy, inedible mess. He has tried all sorts of methods and techniques including a special rice cooker but he managed to break that. He now only uses Uncle Bens microwave rice. + He finds it pant wettingly funny when he sees small children fall over. There is something about the way in which they fall, closely followed by the 2-3 seconds of shocked expression on their face before they start bawling that he finds very ridiculously amusing. + When he was about 6 he went on holiday with his sister to the country where his daddy had moved to. For the whole time he was there he only ate tomato sauce sandwiches. + He has to have his CD collection in alphabetical order. He starts with all of the solo artists and then splits compilation albums into musical genre first and then alphabetically. He is supposed to tag nine other people with this meme but, to be honest, he is mentally drained having spent the last few hours whittling down his choices to just 9. If anyone reading this does feel suitably masochistic and complete the meme without being tagged, please feel free to leave a comment here. Just before you throw yourself off a bridge.

Heavy Mobile Use Damages Sperm

Yaxlich has just seen this headline on the BBC News website and it has raised a number of important questions. How did they make mobile phones so small? Who do the sperms call? Do they use hands free? If sperms can make use of mobile technology, why don't they use Sat-Nav to find the egg?

Feeling Mondayne

Yaxlich went out earlier for an interview for a job. It's the first one he's had in ages. He didn't think it went well. He's obviously out of practice. As a result he has written down lots of tricky questions on a piece of paper and when he's least expecting it, he's going to ask himself one of the tricky questions to see how well he answers it. He'll let you know how he gets on. In other news, Yaxlich has just read about the new Borat movie which is coming out next month. There's an interesting article about it on the BBC website. Can any of his American readers tell him what a "dadgum phone" is?

Funny Bunny

Yaxlich followed a link from little.red.boat to a site called Angry Alien Productions which features: The 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Library... in which a troupe of bunnies parodies a collection of movies by re-enacting them in 30 seconds, more or less. He has been chortling for the last half an hour watching all the films. He particularly likes Fight Club and Reservoir Dogs. Caution : Not all of the clips are suitable for watching at work. Not that this affects Yaxlich, of course.

A Kick In The Googlies

Yaxlich has just had a look at his Site Meter statistics and saw that someone visited his blog via Google. The search phrase they used was : uk most irritating. Yaxlich was a little upset about this. Whilst he appreciates that not everybody will like him, he didn't expect to be listed on Google as 4th out of 2,340,000 results for the most irritating thing in the UK. Here is the link to the Google search results. He's off to the garden now to eat some worms and then he is going to play with the traffic.

7 Days Later

Yaxlich has had his new phone for a week now. He still hasn't changed the ring tone or anything. It's all very complicated. He will play with it today and try to work out what everything does. He's also unsure as to what to have for his ring tone. At the moment it's a toss up between the intro's to : Back in Black by AC/DC Pinball Wizard by The Who Looking through his CD collection, though, he did find 'The Best of The Wurzels' and is sorely tempted to have 'Combine Harvester'. Decisions, decisions.

Botty Problems

Yaxlich presents the Top Ten most popular holiday destinations for agoraphobic Peruvians on a week off work. 1. The living room 2. The bathroom 3. The kitchen 4. The bedroom 5. The hallway 6. The stairs 7. Just outside Yaxlich's bedroom door 8. Next to the electric meter cupboard 9. Hovering around the flat generally 10. All of the above Yaxlich had a curry last night. Current Clenchometer Reading : High Chances of agoraphobic Peruvian leaving the flat in the next 5 days : Low. Very.

When Baboons Go Bad

Yaxlich followed a link from Boing Boing to the National Geographic website to read a story about baboons terrorising residents in Cape Town, South Africa. According to the article, large groups of unruly baboons have been breaking into peoples houses, raiding their fridges and doing big jobs on the floor. A project set up to monitor the baboons called the Baboon Monitoring Project says that the baboons have come up with cunning ways to avoid capture including getting up early on dustbin days to rummage through the residents bins before the team arrives. Yaxlich is not a clever man but if he were a member of the Baboon Monitoring Project responsible for keeping the baboons away from residential areas and he knew that it was dustbin day tomorrow, he would set his alarm a little bit earlier. Anyway, he doesn't have a point to this particular post. He saw the article on Boing Boing and thought he'd share it. Actually, that's not strictly true. Yaxlich is a big fan of the word baboon as it makes him laugh and he'd not found an opportunity previously to write about baboons so this seemed too good a story to waste.

Sore Elbow

Yaxlich has been spending too much time on his computer. He knows this because he has a sore left elbow. He just tried to take a picture of it with his new phone but ended up getting a blurry picture of his chin instead. His elbow is not grazed or anything like that, just knackered. The skin is all dry and prickly and a bit sore when you touch it. It's from leaning on his desk too much. He is going to look around the house to see if there is any Savlon or anything suitable for sore elbows. He hopes that this is just a temporary thing and goes away soon. His elbow looks like an old mans ball bag that's been attacked by a Black and Decker power sander.

Rhinolith Monolith

Following on from his previous post and the subsequent comment by Lizza, Yaxlich has decided to build a rhinolith monolith and asks for your contributions. Please send any unwanted rhinoliths to the following address: Yaxlich, c/o Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1A 2AA, England.

Snot Update

Yaxlich is still full of snot. He doesn't know where it all comes from. He feels like he has expelled half his body weight into Kleenex over the last few days. Not to mention blowing his nose. According to Wikipedia, snot is nasal mucus which "serves to protect the respiratory tract. Nasal mucus is produced continually....". Yaxlich is pefectly aware of that. He feels that he has a snot reservoir currently occupying the space in his brain where his blog posts are usually formulated. As a result the only thing he has to blog about is nasal mucus. Further on in the Wikipedia definition of snot, it refers to bogies as being "rhinolith". He has never heard this term before and is fairly certain that nobody else has either. He is certain that when James R Ford built his bogey ball (yes it is what you think it is) that he didn't think "Oh, I know, I'll call it my rhinolith roundthing". Nasal mucus and rhinolith. They sound like characters from a 1950's comic book. Perhaps Yaxlich will send an email to Ian Healy and suggest he introduce these new characters to his Adventures of the S-Team online comic.

Sneezing

Yaxlich has got a bit of a cold today. He is sniffling. He is snuffling. Normally in that order. Sometimes, just to break the monotony, he coughs and sneezes too. Sometimes he coughs so hard that he accidentally does a little bottom burp. This normally cheers him up. He never sneezes just the once. It's always a pair of sneezes. What is the collective term for a group of sneezes?

Farting Cows

Yaxlich has just read on the BBC News website that a cow emits 400 litres of methane gas every day which is worsening global warming. Whilst the environmental issues concern him, he couldn't help but chuckle when he read this and had a mental picture of a cow walking up to another cow in a field and saying "Pull my hoof".

Friday 13th

Yaxlich is planning to spend the weekend miles from the nearest town in a log cabin next to a lake with 7 other friends including one girl with pert breasts who will immediately take her top off and suggest going skinny dipping, a really good looking couple who are planning to get married next month, a fat computer nerd who eats a lot of donuts and complains that there's no cable TV, another couple who are constantly rowing with each other and a shy yet strangely alluring girl wearing glasses and a white vest top (with no bra). He doesn't know why but he's got a really bad feeling about this.

New Phone

Yaxlich has a new phone. It can take pictures and make videos. It has a radio. You can play games on it. It's an mp3 player. You can watch TV on it. Send and receive emails. Use it to blog. You can have video calls on it. It's a web browser. The User Manual is 60 pages and tells you all about the features and everything. He's so excited he could widdle. Which he just did when it went off and he didn't know how to answer it. He thinks the instructions on how to make and receive phone calls must be later in the User Manual.

Rain

Yaxlich has just got back from the vegetable soup place. He didn't see the lady with the funny eyebrows today. He hopes that she has managed to get a job. In a place with a mirror. It was raining very hard when he left to get on the train to the vegetable soup place. There were thunderbolts and lightning and it was very, very frightening. It reminded him of a song by Queen called Seven Seas Of Rhye. Yaxlich learnt something today in the rain. It is an invaluable lesson and one which he will act upon immediately. He learnt that he doesn't own an umbrella.

London

Yaxlich has spent the day in London today and he had a lot of fun. He has just got home all covered in dust and grime and has got black bogies but the first thing he thought about was telling you about his day trip. He lives in the suburbs of London so he rarely goes into central London. It's always very busy and he doesn't like big crowds. The Underground is always hot and sweaty and during rush hour you have to sniff a Ukranians armpit. It reminds him of the Job Centre. Which equally reminds him that he has to go there tomorrow but he doesn't want to think nasty thoughts. He wants to tell you about his trip into London with his sister and daddy. When Yaxlich was much, much smaller than he is now, his mummy and daddy decided they didn't love each other anymore so they got divorced. His daddy went to live in another country so he doesn't see him very often. Yaxlich doesn't know whether or not his daddy went to live in another country to get away from him or not but he sometimes feels very awkward around his daddy. Even though he is much older now and can drink beer and drive a car and has to shave, he is still unsure about what to call his daddy. He still gets very confused about what he feels. Today they went into London to see 'Phantom of the Opera' and they had a cup of coffee in Selfridges and they got to ride on a bus which was a lot of fun because Yaxlich normally doesn't see London when he is on the Underground because it is underground. He had lots of fun today but still felt awkward when hugging his daddy but that's a story for another day. Today he had fun and is smiling.

Short Posts

Yaxlich was once asked why he only ever writes short posts. It's because he has a short attention span and finds that if he tries writing anything longer than a couple of paragraphs that he becomes distracted. He has always had this problem. His teachers always used to say that whilst he was bright, he would never amount to much unless he was able to focus for longer than ten minutes. Oh look! A birdy!

TV Go Home

Yaxlich used to read the TV Go Home website years ago. It was very funny and made him laugh even if it did contain some naughty words. He doesn't know what reminded him about it tonight but he thought he'd go and have a read of the site. Sadly they don't make it any more. He's sure he had a point at the beginning of this post but now, sadly, he's feeling Mondayne. Hrumph.

Word Verification Fun

Yaxlich has just been over to Dr. Blogstein and sees that he likes playing the Blogger Word Verification game too! It is a lot of fun and it reminds Yaxlich of the old board game Balderdash that he used to play years ago. Every Monday is now going to be Challenge Yaxlich day. Readers submit a comment with their Word Verification and Yaxlich has to come up with a definition. He is very excited at this new game. Yaxlich likes to play games. It'll probably last an hour until he starts feeling Mondayne again.

Mondayne

Yaxlich has invented a new word. Mondayne. He thinks this sums up that Monday feeling that people get. Usually on a Monday.

Getting Old

Yaxlich was advised by one of his friends to join MySpace. Apparently that's the cool place to be seen these days. Just like The Bell in the late Eighties except without the drunks, the fights and the lesbian barmaids. Yaxlich duly signed up and now has a MySpace account - http://www.myspace.com/yaxlich. He doesn't know quite what to do with it but somehow he feels like he's making progress. The onset of middle age no longer afflicts him. He's a MySpaceCadet. Cool. Cool. Cool. A term from the sixties that is now...ermm...cool. Retro. The other day someone referred to a website as being retro. Yaxlich can still remember when the internet was introduced and he struggled to connect on a 14k (state of the art) modem. It had LRF technology and everything. Oh bugger. Maybe he is getting old after all. He has previously blogged about his eyebrows and now he sees Gem blogging about the same thing and the overwhelming feeling is that the whole eyebrow mutation = old age. Yaxlich is going to be 37 next month. Three score and ten. That's what he was promised. In just over four weeks he is going to be two years the wrong side of middle aged. Two years worth of middle aged nasal hair. Two years of middle aged ear hair. Two years of middle aged gratuitous eyebrow hair hair. The countdown is on.

Pffft

Some of the images from the old template haven't come across to the new design. To quote a famous expat in Belgium - pffft. Yaxlich will get round to moving them all across to photobucket over the next few days.

All White?

Yaxlich has decided that white is the new black. He hopes you like the new look. He hasn't checked all of the old pages but he thinks this new template should work OK. He would like thank Thur Broeders for creating a very simple template to edit. As far as Yaxlich knows he is supposed to give out a big brap brap to Thur. He has no idea what this means but, apparently, this is what all the kids on the street are saying so...ermm...brap brap. The new template is a fluid one so this means that that it changes shape depending on your screen resoultion. Yaxlich has looked at his Site Meter traffic and sees that 1024x768 is the most popular. If it doesn't work in your screen resolution please let him know and he'll try and fix it.

Premature Ejaculation Drug

Coming soon

Yaxlich Has The Painters In

When he says that he has the painters in, he doesn't mean that he is currently menstruating. As far as he is aware he has never had a period. What he means is that he is planning on changing the look of his blog this weekend. If you happen to pop by whilst he is playing with the template, do not be alarmed. You haven't broken it.

How To Cure Hiccups

Today Yaxlich has learned that you can cure hiccups with digital rectal massage. For those unfamiliar with the technique it involves sticking a finger up your bottom. Some readers of his blog might be asking how Yaxlich discovered this fact. After all, the commonly accepted methods of curing hiccups usually involve a fright or drinking a glass of water backwards. This method would appear somewhat unusual in it's approach and, generally speaking, the two actions are not normally associated with each other. Yaxlich didn't discover the method himself. He rarely suffers from hiccups. It was one of the winners in this years Ig Nobels. Since 1991 Ig Nobels have been awarded to genuine scientific discoveries and research "that cannot, or should not, be reproduced". Other winners this year included a study on how many photos must be taken to almost ensure no-one in a group shot has their eyes closed (maths award), why woodpeckers do not get headaches (ornithology) and why dung beetles are fussy eaters (nutrition). One of last years winners was a study in fluid dynamics entitled "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh - Calculations on Avian Defaecation". One of Yaxlich's favourite Ig Nobel awards was made in 2001 in the field of biology. It was the invention of airtight underpants with a special charcoal filter to remove bad smells. In 1999 Dr Len Fisher revealed the physics behind the perfect biscuit dunk. Back to the topic in hand, so to speak. Yaxlich has been pondering how Francis Fesmire, Majed Odeh, Harry Bassan and Arie Oliven discovered that putting your finger up your bottom cured hiccups. Indeed, which came first? Had they exhausted all previous ideas for curing hiccups and then thought "Sod it, I'll stick my finger up my arse" or was it that after a prolonged bout of anal fingering they said "Gosh, since I've been indulging in digital rectal massage I have not suffered from a spasm of the diaphragm resulting in a rapid, involuntary inhalation that is stopped by the sudden closure of the glottis and accompanied by a sharp, distinctive sound"?

The Unusual Suspects

Yaxlich reads that a plastic surgeon in Germany who was cheated out of money by former breast enlargement patients has provided police with photos of the criminals bosoms in the hope of tracing them. The report on Reuters says that Michael Konig was cheated by patients out of $10,000 a time when they ran away after the hour long surgery. The police are said to be studying the pictures very carefully. Yaxlich wonders whether they'll be selling tickets for the identity parade.

Yaxlich Is Sorry

Yaxlich is sorry he got so angry in his last post. He rarely gets angry but there are some things which really get on his nerves and sometimes he can't help it. He'll try not to get angry again. It made his nose bleed.

Withnail And I

Yaxlich has just read that there are plans to turn one of his favourite films into a West End play. He is certainly not in favour of the idea. He is sick and tired of seeing movie, film and theatre production companies taking an easy route out and rehashing old ideas. Why not come up with new and unique ideas? What? Are there not enough new writers out there or has no one got the balls to put on a new show anymore? The only way he would support this production would be if the producer were to take a Rocky Horror-esque angle and insist that everyone who came to see the show took part in the infamous drinking game. For those unfamiliar with the film, it essentially tells the story of two out of work actors who get drunk. A lot. The drinking game involves watching the film and matching the alcoholic intake of the character played by Richard E Grant, which is as follows : 1 quarter bottle of wine A gin, a cider with ice and a pork pie Lighter fluid Several large sherries Red wine Whisky Port More whisky and a "pair of pints" More sherry "The finest wines known to man" and "cake" Another whisky Chateau Margeau 1953 He forgot to mention that when he said 'everyone' that he included the producer. Perhaps then the spineless fool would commission some new work rather than try to cash in on a classic film.

Problem Solved

Yaxlich can't spell. He had typed in the address as "blogpsot". It seems that the Judean People's Front have got the domain blogpsot.com and that's what he was seeing. Or was it the People's Front of Judea? Splitters. Wolf nipple chip, anyone?

Blogger Problems...Again!

Yaxlich tried to look at his site earlier and there was some strange religious website where his used to be. He tried http://yaxlich.blogspot.com, http://www.yaxlich.blogspot.com and even http://yaxlich.blogspot.com/index.html and all of them pointed to this weird religious site. He tried for 10 minutes to log into the Blogger dashboard and couldn't get in. Has anyone else on Blogger had problems today or is it just Google picking on him again?

Toilet Humour

Regular readers of Yaxlich's blog may recall the incident with the agoraphobic Peruvian, the resulting introduction of the Clenchometer and it's subsequent demise. Yaxlich also blogged about sheep poo paper. He blogged about farting. He forgot to mention in the Movie Meme post that the scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jeff Daniels has the runs makes him laugh every time he sees it. Like a lot of British people, Yaxlich has what is known as a lavatorial sense of humour (Americans : please note the use of the extra vowel). Poo, bums and farts make him laugh. He realises that this is not a particularly sophisticated sense of humour but it works for him. As a result when he was sent an email this morning, Yaxlich laughed so hard that a little trickle of wee came out. It is a selection of real place names around the world. Anus (Indonesia), Ars (Iran), Bottom (North Carolina), Bum (Azerbaijan), Bumbang (Australia), Crap (Albania), Dikshit (India), Dump (Jamaica), Lake de Dungo (Angola), Poo (Spain), Lake de Poopo (Bolivia), Shit (Ethiopia), Turdo (Romania) Yaxlich is sorry if this list either offends you or does not amuse you. Either way he's off to release the chocolate sausage.

BBG Waved At Yaxlich

Yaxlich had to go to the shops earlier to buy some bread. The shops are a ten minute walk from where Yaxlich lives. Normally not a lot happens on the stretch of road between Yaxlich's home and the shops. It's a very busy road with lots of cars but he rarely sees other people on his perambulations. Occasionally he'll see a mother pushing her baby up the street. He always thinks that this is a little cruel and that, perhaps, buying a pushchair would be a better option but he digresses... Today on his trip to the shops he saw BBG on the other side of the road. As he spotted her, she waved at him. Yaxlich blushed, put his head down and continued his journey to the shops. Yaxlich thinks it was BBG anyway. He can't be 100% certain. Physically she certainly looked like BBG but he didn't recognise her face but, then again, he can't recall ever noticing that she had one before.

Yaxlich Can't Sleep

Yaxlich started this post at 1.34am. That is a long way past his bed time. He asks that you do not tell his mummy that he is up at this time otherwise he'll be in trouble. He doesn't really know why he can't sleep. There are probably lots of things going on in his head which are preventing him but, at the moment, none of them are making their way to his frontal cortex and, as a result, are currently sitting in a queue of random mishmash which will eventually become clear. At 1.38am, however, they are just hanging around his head doing whatever it is that unformed thoughts do. He would like to point out at this stage that he did not take 4 minutes to type the last couple of paragraphs. Yaxlich can type very fast. He uses BOTH fingers. However he had to do a quick check on Wikipedia to see whether it was the frontal cortex or the parietal cortex which dealt with thought as he had temporarily forgotten. 1.43am. He is now a trifle concerned that he can't remember which part of the brain deals with rational thought. He doesn't pretend to be an educated man but he does remember random, silly things which is why he is always welcomed on to the quiz team in his local pub. He doesn't know why he forgot which part of the brain dealt with rational thought. 1.46am. He is now a trifle concerned that he can't remember which part of the brain deals with rational thought. He doesn't pretend to be an educated man but he does remember random, silly things which is why he is always welcomed on to the quiz team in his local pub. He doesn't know why he forgot which part of the brain dealt with rational thought. 1.47am. He is a random trifle and is concerned he might be repeating himself. 1.49am. Having licked himself, he realises that he is not a trifle after all. This pleases him immensely. 1.50am. Yaxlich wants some trifle. 1.51am. He realises that a lot of his overseas readers will not know what a trifle is. 1.53am. Yaxlich find the wikipedia defintion of trifle. 1.56am. He realises that, perhaps, blogging under the influence might not be a good idea. 1.57am. Yaxlich relieves himself. 1.58am. Yaxlich goes to the bathroom. 1.59am. Yaxlich realises it's too late. 2.00am. He changes his underpants. 2.03am. He thinks about putting a plug for Pant Aid into his post. 2.04am. He decides against it. 2.09am. He decides that removing the Pant Aid plug is too difficult. 2.10am. He questions why it has taken him 5 minutes to work that out. 2.11am. He looks at the random consonants that are lying around his keyboard and hopes that Miss Vorderman is not disapproving. 2.12am. He thinks about Miss Vorderman. 2.13am. He thinks about Miss Vorderman. 2.14am. He thinks about Miss Vorderman. 2.15am. He goes to bed.

Sunday Blitherings

Yaxlich doesn't normally blog over the weekends but it is raining very hard in London at the moment so he's decided to stay indoors and post random thoughts before the football starts. Earlier this afternoon he visited A World of Reeholio where Rhys has posted a video from the movie Super Size Me. Yaxlich quite likes McDonalds but having watched the video, he won't be ordering fries next time. Also, in a randomness that cannot be explained, the word verification when he left a comment was elxlsizo - el xl sizo - which he believes may be Spanish for "an extra large size". On his way back from seeing Rhys he popped in to Technorati where he is now ranked 149,164. This is 76,266 places higher than the last time he shared this information with you. He also now has something called a Page Rank. This is something that Google uses to show how popular a website is. Yaxlich knows this because he used to work in computers. Well he didn't actually work in computers because that would make him very small indeed. It's 4.04pm. The game has started. Yaxlich must be going.